yet another year's resolve

smile more
talk with strangers, learn about other's stories
live simpler
read the bible more
spend more time outdoors
make better and more intentional eye contact with others
read more books
wear lipstick
relish in the happy
journal
take more pictures
travel & explore
write music
craft more, give others gifts made from my hands
wear high heels
love unconditionally, sincerely, and intentionally
experiment with new hair colors
write more
be daring and bold, with my words and actions
laugh a lot
be a better friend, sister, daughter
remain thirsty for adventure, fueled by courage

-S

one-way tickets & the weight of it all

a small group of my friends and i gathered for dinner one last night all together before one of us left for good. he was quiet, kind, observant, and talented. we sort of adopted him into the group recently and before we knew it, it was time for him to leave. jake is a really talented songwriter and musician and after a few years of living in los angeles trying to make a name for himself, he decided to move to nashville. nashville is a beautiful city, and its the perfect place for a folk musician of his kind. so in honor of his last few days as a californian, a few friends gathered in downtown los angeles last week to celebrate jake and his new future.

yesterday jake cashed in his one way ticket for a new life in nashville, tennessee. and i've always admired him for his bravery, his hard work. he's worked so hard for the life he has always dreamt of, and i've never for a second doubted it'll happen for him. when i see someone go for a dream like he is, i always have this faith that it will happen for them. because if you try your best, put your best foot forward, and work damn hard, well something good always comes from that, right?

that night i stood on the roof of a friends friends apartment, watching the skyline of downtown los angeles while the subtle chill of the wind froze the tip of my nose.  i squinted at the skyline, letting the lights blur in my teary eyes. i filled my lungs with a breath of cold air, closed my eyes and thought, "you can be anywhere you want to right now," and pretended i was somewhere else. "somewhere with a city skyline like this one," i thought... seattle, nyc, maybe even nashville. somewhere big so i could feel small again. so i could dream again. and really, i could be anywhere i want to be right now. and it was then that i got this sense that life is all about the one-way tickets.  the act of rising to the occassion. of deciding, this is it. going for the thing you're convinced will make you so very happy. 

i tried to imagine what it would mean for me to buy a one way ticket and how i had never done that before. i had never left a place with no intention of returning. the idea frightens me and excites me. i wondered if jake had ever worried like this too. if he's doubted himself, if he's been afraid of the magnitude of his dreams. i once heard someone somewhere say, "if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." and i think its true and awful too. it's the people who don't get lost in the fear of a distant dream. the people who feel the weight of it all and take steps, the leaps in the direction of their dreams. 
and the scary part is that i don't know if i'm one of those people. the kind that buys the one-way ticket and say to hell with it, it's time to leap.

...but damn if i don't wish i were.


-S

agape

i don't care much for openers.
i didn't come to see them. i didn't pay for them.

last night i saw daughter at the wiltern and they were so good. 
but this opener was different, and damn if i dismiss another again.

three walked out; one picked up an acoustic guitar, one a banjo, and one walked over to the drums. simple. i wasn't paying attention until maybe 20 seconds into the first song when i found myself completely taken over. mind, soul, heart, completely enthralled and fulfilled from what i was hearing. it hurt it was so so good. it was if i could physically feel the music, the words pouring back into an empty part inside me. i turned to my friend and said, "you gotta know, i think this is best thing ever," because when i feel that, the feeling where you just know that this is the best thing ever, it's so clear and precise it just takes you. 

today i lost a big part of me i knew i had to let go of. and the sucky thing is that it was never going to be an easy decision.  selfless decisions are kind of sucky in that way; they're never the easy ones to make. it was a hard day, but it was something that had to happen because there are greater things in the works for me right now, and i think that's what's making this much easier than if there weren't.  but it's scary. it's scary letting go of something i've built security and comfort in.  it's scary jumping fully into something i'm being called to, no looking back.  i'm scared of what's to come.  i'm afraid of the possibility of a bad outcome, but i think i might be more afraid of the possibility of a good outcome. all i've wanted for so long is clarity of my calling yet i find myself afraid of actually knowing it.  i'm constantly fighting myself, i'm constantly being my own obstacle. 

right now it's hard. and it's okay because it's supposed to be. and i've found comfort in the fact that it will get easier. then it'll be hard again, then it will get better, again. and i anticipate that cycle will repeat for a while. and that's okay.  
it's okay because all of these tears, tears of relief, tears of fear and of change, tears of responsibility, tears of loss, they're good tears. they're good tears of all good things because when i'm doing it, when i'm actually doing what i'm being called to, i get that feeling. the feeling where i just want to turn to someone, hell, anyone who'll listen, and say, "i think this is the best thing ever." because when i feel that, it's so clear and precise it just takes me. it takes me and shakes me into clarity. and i think that really means something....damn if it doesn't mean everything.



"for i'm so scared of losing you/
and i don't know what i can do about it/
so tell me how long love before you go/
and leave me here on my own/
i know it/
i don't wanna know who i am without you/
i don't wanna know who i am without you/"                <--------------- (i guess it's time to see who i am without it)


-agape, bears den 


-S

//
i shouted out for you. 
shouted in that direction, but silence followed me home. 
followed what i thought was your shadow, only to find the sunset and myself to roam. 
i heard you at the ocean, when i arrived all i heard was the whisper of the tide.
i thought i'd found you when, their lofty words momentarily filled me inside.
you were my light in darkness until like a trick you disappeared so quick
chasing you has haunted me, approval, it is time you let me be. 
//

reflecting on where my heart has wandered. there is vast vulnerability in brokenness. but oh joyful, joyful day when my mind is transformed and i am free from the chains of distorted self image.
i crave wholeness. with nothing to offer and everything to gain, i'm asking God to change my heart.



"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galations 1:10


Sincerely,
B

here's to twenty

right now i'm subconsciously counting down the hours til i'm no longer a teenager.
right now i hate that i have to do school for two more years.
right now i wish i knew more about my Creator.
right now i wish people didn't see me for the choices & mistakes i've made.
right now i'm proud of the person i've been growing into despite those choices.
right now i'm excited to start my internship.
right now my future looks vague and i'd rather let that excite me than worry me. 
right now i'm lucky to have better friends than anyone could ever dream up.
right now i think birthdays are a very funny thing we celebrate. (nineteen years of birthdays and i'm still getting the hang of it).
right now i wish i had more time before tomorrow comes.

i write this here because i want to remember where i was right before my birthday. because i want to see how much has changed in the course of the year so i can tangibly look back and appreciate the growth. 
i kept secret that i enjoyed being the last to turn twenty, that i enjoy being the youngest of my friends.
i held it close as sort of my rite of passage for a lot of things.
i had more time to "catch up" so to speak. more time to get some life experiences under my belt.
i had less expectations placed on me. from myself and from others.
there's a certain freedom that comes with being the youngest. a freedom that i cling to when i'm the last to turn one year older.
and as fun and special it is to celebrate your birthday it often feels like a reminder of what you haven't done in all these years of your life. 

this year i'm going to celebrate all the things i have done and all the things i have been blessed to experience. i'm going to celebrate nineteen years of growing and learning and evolving into the person i'm becoming. i'm going to celebrate the whole nineteen years, the entire picture of what's made me me. i'm going to celebrate and appreciate and love the person i am because one day of the year should be just.for.that.
so here's to twenty. be good to me.

-S

under the same sun

lessons i've learned under the summer sun:
(in no particular order)

---> i can have messy, day-after-the-beach- hair, minimal-to-no makeup on if i want to. and strangely i've never felt prettier than that simplicity.

---> treat sleep as a suggestion rather than necessity some nights. stay up to see the sunrise. have an adventure while everyone is asleep. a lot of life can and should happen in those dark and beautiful hours.

---> i often find myself reverting back to really wanting him. and in that pursuit i continue to lose myself and what i want. over and over.

---> the art of discernment is a lost art. one i'd like to bring back, one i'd like to practice fiercely.

---> sometimes, every great once in a while, the attraction is so strong it can become the bane of your existence. the not-quite-but-almost existential dilemma you've come to over and again; that lust is just that, a child's game. that wanting and having mean two very different things.

---> swimming in the ocean under the moonlight is far better than any alternative.

---> watching fireworks from the roof of your house with your best friends is the best way to do independence day.

---> one day i'll be strong enough to walk away and not leave a single piece of me with him. and that it's OK if i'm just not there yet. 

---> listening to the thoughts and minds of generations before you should be a required practice.

---> to stop saying, "i hope he likes me" and start saying, "i hope i like him."

---> don't be ashamed of where you're at. you'd be surprised to know that most everyone is right there too.

---> one day i'll be enough for myself and from there, everything will follow suit.

-S

turning the page

adaptation. To make suitable to or fit for a specific use or situation.
v.intr. To become adapted:

as humans we are constantly adapting. inwardly and outwardly. either by force or choice, it is necessary and unavoidable. and this is great, don't get me wrong. the product of change is an evolving perspective and expanding opportunity. honest to goodness, i pray i never stop. however, i'm not going to tell you it is easy.

i have always feared saying goodbye and said it all too often. no, i am not having a peyton sawyer "people always leave" moment, but living with two families and having a brother in the military, it had its place. despite its numerous visits, i have yet to shake the heavy gloom that lives inside the core of saying goodbye. maybe no one really does. or maybe i am just extremely sentimental. 

i am in the midst of a season of goodbyes. a season of waterworks. and regardless of how much i kick my feet or how tightly i clench my fists, i must do so. i know the Lords will is greater than anything i could imagine up. and my trust lies in that truth. a farewell is only as hard as the amount in which you let them in your heart. and my goodness i have definitely let them in--cue the moment when i snap my fingers in reluctance.-- 

when i read books, i am endlessly dying to reach the next chapter. i am afraid i have done just that. but, now that it's time to turn the page i struggle to find the strength to begin the next chapter.

how do you walk away from what is home?

Sincerely,
B

a cautionary tale

she locked it up at a young age.
for fear of it being mistreated, misused, cut or bruised.
and as time went on and she grew older, the tower that protected it became taller and stronger, brick by brick.
nothing and no one could neither get inside nor tear it down

and inside her tower lived but one single beating heart. her heart.

slowly losing color, losing faith, losing life day by day.

it sat in a small box, boarded up by the locks and chains of insecurity, fear, vulnerability, truth; all the things that made the walls build up to be so tall.

and with the sunrise and night fall of every new day that came to pass, her heart began to gray and grow tough, resembling that of a cold stone.

for that is what her heart became.
in effort to protect it from any harm, she was the one to do the most damage

and it was a shame
a sad, sad shame


-S

for fear of the...

it is not the meaning of love, nor is it the fear of love lost
it is the fear of the vast unknown:

i'm afraid of the ocean
anxious by its immensity

the curse of hypocrisy, the trepidation of commitment
ambivalence courses through me like the plague
it might be a disease, an "actual mental illness" 
i swear by it


-S

stubborn love

i was right
i was right
i was right i was right i was right
i was so so right

i don't want to do it but i have to
i have to let go. i have to walk away--because someone has to and that is why i was right
and as much as the notion usually brings me much pleasure, i wish i was not right about this.one.thing.
i was right and i wish i was not
i wish i was not

i wish you were not you and i was not me when we are together--because this would be much easier.
but it never is, is it? the things you wish could be easy
is walking away right because things shouldn't be this complicated?
is fighting for something right because it means something?
is it cowardly to walk away or strong to move on?
the only thing i see as simple is that i simply do not know

i was right and i wish i was not.
i wish it didn't have to be this way, but it does.
i wish i knew what i wanted, but i don't.
i wish we were not us, but we are---which is why you won't hear from me anymore.
and i wish i could tell you this, but i will not--because after all, you never told me. 
you never said anything. 
you had so many chances, but you never took one and that makes me sad.

and as much as i wish i wasn't, i was right.
i was right.

-S

"between men and women there is no friendship possible.

there is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

-oscar wilde

this is a post about becoming; my becoming

one is not the loneliest number.
one is freeing
one is challenging
one is patient
one is forgiving
one is an adventure to be had

i'm excited to be alone. to live life on my own. to grow up and experience all the world has to offer. alone.
there's something to be said about the fearfully beautiful realization that i have no idea what life a year, 2 years, or 5 years from now will look like.  no idea what i'll be doing, where i'll be doing that something, who i'll be with, or who i'll even be myself. the fact that when i think about the future, all i see is a big question mark--i love that.

i love that even though i am so naturally--in every aspect i can get my hands on--am a control freak...and yet that question mark that hangs over my future, makes my heart dance. i have a whole life still to be dreamt up.
so many people to meet; people who will break my heart, and i theirs. people who will make some dreams come true, and people who will end some dreams. people who will make me feel at home, and people who will love me for the person Christ has created me to be through the life i have gotten to experience, alone.

i get to grow up alone. i get to make mistakes that lie on my own shoulders and mine only. i get to disappoint myself, and learn to not do that again. independence is kind of forgiving and patient in that way, yet challenging. it grows you.

i feel as though these days, at least in the society i surround myself with, everyone is saying "hurry! go find your soul mate now! wow, you're 20 and aren't in a serious relationship? you better get to it then!" or something like that..as if that's the equivalence to success and happiness. like this stage of curiosity, changing, becoming, is just, 'in the meantime'.

sadly the journey is often over-looked for the final destination; rather than appreciated and fervently embraced and admired for the beauty that uncovers itself slowly and magnificently with each new experience.
finding your forever is an incredible thing, but so is finding yourself.

that season of life--the "one day we, not i, will"--will be beautiful.

but this season of life--this season of my becoming--is already beautiful.


-S

"it's all a matter of paying attention, being awake in the present moment, and not expecting a huge payoff. the magic in this world seems to work in whispers and small kindness." -charles de lint

all we are, we are

i think we forget sometimes, as humans, that we have the power to make ourselves whoever we want to be.

we get to decide how the world sees us...
how we see ourselves

once we realize that, everything can change.

we can change.

-S

these things i wonder

"And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be... or lose that person completely." –H.G. Wells

i wonder, is it easier to move on, keeping things the same way ever since everything had to change?

comfortable with the absence; finally accepting that this is the way things are now.

or...

do you risk your sanity for the chance of having some of it back?

does “patching things up” really fill in any empty holes, or will it just cut deeper when its gone?

will what’s given, ever be enough?

at least it's nice to be missed.

sincerely,

a cautious one, S