in the absence of contentment

i think i decided not to date anyone until 2014.
i realize it'll be hard fending off all of my suitors, especially since the offers are just non-stop (<----hint hint, sarcasm)
all-the-more, that doesn't matter. just because i'm already not dating doesn't mean that i'm not wanting to be dating someone. which isn't a bad thing, i don't think. i think it's healthy and normal to want to date. it's when you start to dislike yourself in the process of wondering why you aren't being asked out, i think that's a bad place to be in. and that's where i find myself right now. and i'm not okay with that. i'm not content with being discontent. i need to be okay with me and with being alone.

so i'm saying no to dating. i'm taking a break from being open. because being open gets exhausting. we'll see how this experiment goes.


-S

agape

i don't care much for openers.
i didn't come to see them. i didn't pay for them.

last night i saw daughter at the wiltern and they were so good. 
but this opener was different, and damn if i dismiss another again.

three walked out; one picked up an acoustic guitar, one a banjo, and one walked over to the drums. simple. i wasn't paying attention until maybe 20 seconds into the first song when i found myself completely taken over. mind, soul, heart, completely enthralled and fulfilled from what i was hearing. it hurt it was so so good. it was if i could physically feel the music, the words pouring back into an empty part inside me. i turned to my friend and said, "you gotta know, i think this is best thing ever," because when i feel that, the feeling where you just know that this is the best thing ever, it's so clear and precise it just takes you. 

today i lost a big part of me i knew i had to let go of. and the sucky thing is that it was never going to be an easy decision.  selfless decisions are kind of sucky in that way; they're never the easy ones to make. it was a hard day, but it was something that had to happen because there are greater things in the works for me right now, and i think that's what's making this much easier than if there weren't.  but it's scary. it's scary letting go of something i've built security and comfort in.  it's scary jumping fully into something i'm being called to, no looking back.  i'm scared of what's to come.  i'm afraid of the possibility of a bad outcome, but i think i might be more afraid of the possibility of a good outcome. all i've wanted for so long is clarity of my calling yet i find myself afraid of actually knowing it.  i'm constantly fighting myself, i'm constantly being my own obstacle. 

right now it's hard. and it's okay because it's supposed to be. and i've found comfort in the fact that it will get easier. then it'll be hard again, then it will get better, again. and i anticipate that cycle will repeat for a while. and that's okay.  
it's okay because all of these tears, tears of relief, tears of fear and of change, tears of responsibility, tears of loss, they're good tears. they're good tears of all good things because when i'm doing it, when i'm actually doing what i'm being called to, i get that feeling. the feeling where i just want to turn to someone, hell, anyone who'll listen, and say, "i think this is the best thing ever." because when i feel that, it's so clear and precise it just takes me. it takes me and shakes me into clarity. and i think that really means something....damn if it doesn't mean everything.



"for i'm so scared of losing you/
and i don't know what i can do about it/
so tell me how long love before you go/
and leave me here on my own/
i know it/
i don't wanna know who i am without you/
i don't wanna know who i am without you/"                <--------------- (i guess it's time to see who i am without it)


-agape, bears den 


-S

"depth over distance was all i asked of you.." 

-ben howard

my mind is keeping a close watch on relationships (friendships). found in the dictionary under peculiar and trivial. observing interactions and relationships intrigues me in every way. i am beginning to question, wonder, anazlyze, judge (unfortunately), compare, accept, admire, and doubt. sometimes for the better and, when negativity steps in, for the worse. 
but as the clouds eventually pass and the sun does again shine, one comes along who reminds you of authenticity and the goodness you, too reflect. grateful for the ability to experience genuine conversation. for the sweet gift of connection and that blessed moment of "i'm not the only one" true friendship is a wonderful, rare find.

-B

two thumbs down

writing and i are in a bit of a debacle right now.
i have so much to share but i'm struggling to create and it's frustrating.

hopefully this will clear the bad omen i'm currently under.

-S

//
i shouted out for you. 
shouted in that direction, but silence followed me home. 
followed what i thought was your shadow, only to find the sunset and myself to roam. 
i heard you at the ocean, when i arrived all i heard was the whisper of the tide.
i thought i'd found you when, their lofty words momentarily filled me inside.
you were my light in darkness until like a trick you disappeared so quick
chasing you has haunted me, approval, it is time you let me be. 
//

reflecting on where my heart has wandered. there is vast vulnerability in brokenness. but oh joyful, joyful day when my mind is transformed and i am free from the chains of distorted self image.
i crave wholeness. with nothing to offer and everything to gain, i'm asking God to change my heart.



"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galations 1:10


Sincerely,
B

tuesday tidbits

B //

something new:

i've begun crafting. i'm enjoying learning and stretching myself as i tap into my creative side. +plus it inspires me to make things for my loved ones to enjoy. also, i am newly "training" (in some sense of the word) for a cycling race for diabetes. it's always been a desire of mine to be a part of a marathon or race for something bigger than myself. welp, here goes nothin.

something inspiring:

these two young men decided to leave their life behind and pursue adventure and regain the sense of astonishment found in youth. they are biking from oregon to patagonia in search of stories to hear and tell. i am so inspired by their willingness to leave behind comfort in an effort to allow the world to really amaze them, like when we were all young. the ideals of this culture can be so narrow minded and often make us forget that the desires in our hearts can be pursued and lived out. i will be following their journey for the next year, you should too... oregontopatagonia.com

something disturbing: 

as of late, i have subconsciously attempted to embrace every last california summer perk. today proved no different as i just about ate an entire watermelon! i would not be surprised if there was a watermelon growing in my stomach as i type. my blood sugar level is probably through the roof, and family is undoubtedly wondering where the unsliced watermelon went. so cheers to sweet summer fruit and belly aches.

something i'm listening to:

i've been really into late 70's mechanical rock & roll lately. currently listening to The Cars and early David Bowie. i really dig the feel-good, American feel it brings me. you can find me grooving to this in the car. (see what i did there?!...k, cool)


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S //

something new:
i'm moving out! finally! come october i'll be out on my semi-own, so right now, in between school, work, homework, internship, and breathing, i'm looking for furniture to paint, crafts to make, and packing up!

something inspiring:
this quote from my english class book--

"I saw in their eyes something I was to see over & over in every part of the nation---a burning desire to go, to move, to get under way, anyplace, away from Here."

-John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley, 1962

something disturbing:
i don't remember the last time i took a nap! this is not normal by any means. naps are sacred and i've always treated them as such but i've been so busy i haven't had time for a nice, satisfying nap. i find this very disturbing.

something i'm listening to:
glorious ruins, hillsong live. all day, all week, for two weeks now. i fall in love with one song and then the next and so on. i'm just now beginning to grasp the album in it's entirety, and boy is it a good one.