words and their keepers

he carried the words "i'm sorry" gravely upon his shoulders
a burden so heavy. like the chains of a guilty prisoner.

as the words released from his tongue he was at once renewed.
the dimmed light in his eyes had lifted.
changed colors, changed direction.
shifting focus from her to another.

freed from the words and weight they carried, he went on and they found a home upon the shoulders of a girl.
the girl whom validated the weight of those words, whose ears ached for the apology.
a girl who had never learned to let go of any of the words he had ever spoken to her.
and now as he carries on, she carries them on her shoulders.
a burden not meant to be carried, not by her or by anyone.

he would leave his words on her,
because he was man who never kept his word.
so she became a girl who tried to keep them for him.
she became a girl who no longer believed in words and the weight of them.

so the "i'm sorry" and the "i love you" and the "i miss you" became just words that became her.
it was her cross to bear. it was all she had left of him.
because he was a man who never kept his word.


-S

“and that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say, they think everyone else does too.” Khaled Hosseini 

"that I will love you more than he ever will"

for the moments i feel faint

some nights i hug a pillow so i can fall asleep.
sometimes, just for a moment, i feel the pillow holding me back.

i forget often how i am rarely ever touched by someone with affection, affirmation, protection.
and i'm reminded of that; usually when i'm needing it most, in the times i find myself quietly and anxiously searching for a pillow to squeeze.

every night i listen to the same song while i'm lying in bed,
only loud enough for me to hear.
the repetition comforts me

like the swelling of the oceans waves, lulling back and forth with no end. 

there is a blessed assurance in knowing it will always come back.

i listen to it every night. it's like my secret song.
it holds memories and thoughts, honesty and tears of the nights prior and of the nights to come

sometimes i think getting through the winter is the toughest feat, as beautiful she is.
realizing the lonely; clothing your bones in the warmth you've created for yourself and braving the cold.
this battle is heavy laden and not for the faint of heart


-S


link to the song i mentioned: the light -- the album leaf

one-way tickets & the weight of it all

a small group of my friends and i gathered for dinner one last night all together before one of us left for good. he was quiet, kind, observant, and talented. we sort of adopted him into the group recently and before we knew it, it was time for him to leave. jake is a really talented songwriter and musician and after a few years of living in los angeles trying to make a name for himself, he decided to move to nashville. nashville is a beautiful city, and its the perfect place for a folk musician of his kind. so in honor of his last few days as a californian, a few friends gathered in downtown los angeles last week to celebrate jake and his new future.

yesterday jake cashed in his one way ticket for a new life in nashville, tennessee. and i've always admired him for his bravery, his hard work. he's worked so hard for the life he has always dreamt of, and i've never for a second doubted it'll happen for him. when i see someone go for a dream like he is, i always have this faith that it will happen for them. because if you try your best, put your best foot forward, and work damn hard, well something good always comes from that, right?

that night i stood on the roof of a friends friends apartment, watching the skyline of downtown los angeles while the subtle chill of the wind froze the tip of my nose.  i squinted at the skyline, letting the lights blur in my teary eyes. i filled my lungs with a breath of cold air, closed my eyes and thought, "you can be anywhere you want to right now," and pretended i was somewhere else. "somewhere with a city skyline like this one," i thought... seattle, nyc, maybe even nashville. somewhere big so i could feel small again. so i could dream again. and really, i could be anywhere i want to be right now. and it was then that i got this sense that life is all about the one-way tickets.  the act of rising to the occassion. of deciding, this is it. going for the thing you're convinced will make you so very happy. 

i tried to imagine what it would mean for me to buy a one way ticket and how i had never done that before. i had never left a place with no intention of returning. the idea frightens me and excites me. i wondered if jake had ever worried like this too. if he's doubted himself, if he's been afraid of the magnitude of his dreams. i once heard someone somewhere say, "if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." and i think its true and awful too. it's the people who don't get lost in the fear of a distant dream. the people who feel the weight of it all and take steps, the leaps in the direction of their dreams. 
and the scary part is that i don't know if i'm one of those people. the kind that buys the one-way ticket and say to hell with it, it's time to leap.

...but damn if i don't wish i were.


-S

new breath

the moments of clarity were once the breath of fresh air amidst the fog. the darkness sneaky and so fickle, filled with unloving words, often showed its face.

but recently you see, in moments far and few between when the darkness creeps in. when the words unworthy and the desire to be who i am not find their way back it serves as a reminder. a reminder of the One who came to my rescue, called me beautiful and gave me an identity. reminded that i must choose to believe Him. and for once. for once the darkness is the breath of fresh air. 

sincerely,

B

"there is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. on such a full sea are we now afloat. and we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures."

-william shakespeare

this october

three pictures from three favorite things that happened this october:

1. tanaka pumpkin patch
2. hillsong conference 2013
3. downtown los angeles river bed

-S