i don't care much for openers.
i didn't come to see them. i didn't pay for them.
last night i saw daughter at the wiltern and they were so good.
but this opener was different, and damn if i dismiss another again.
three walked out; one picked up an acoustic guitar, one a banjo, and one walked over to the drums. simple. i wasn't paying attention until maybe 20 seconds into the first song when i found myself completely taken over. mind, soul, heart, completely enthralled and fulfilled from what i was hearing. it hurt it was so so good. it was if i could physically feel the music, the words pouring back into an empty part inside me. i turned to my friend and said, "you gotta know, i think this is best thing ever," because when i feel that, the feeling where you just know that this is the best thing ever, it's so clear and precise it just takes you.
today i lost a big part of me i knew i had to let go of. and the sucky thing is that it was never going to be an easy decision. selfless decisions are kind of sucky in that way; they're never the easy ones to make. it was a hard day, but it was something that had to happen because there are greater things in the works for me right now, and i think that's what's making this much easier than if there weren't. but it's scary. it's scary letting go of something i've built security and comfort in. it's scary jumping fully into something i'm being called to, no looking back. i'm scared of what's to come. i'm afraid of the possibility of a bad outcome, but i think i might be more afraid of the possibility of a good outcome. all i've wanted for so long is clarity of my calling yet i find myself afraid of actually knowing it. i'm constantly fighting myself, i'm constantly being my own obstacle.
right now it's hard. and it's okay because it's supposed to be. and i've found comfort in the fact that it will get easier. then it'll be hard again, then it will get better, again. and i anticipate that cycle will repeat for a while. and that's okay.
it's okay because all of these tears, tears of relief, tears of fear and of change, tears of responsibility, tears of loss, they're good tears. they're good tears of all good things because when i'm doing it, when i'm actually doing what i'm being called to, i get that feeling. the feeling where i just want to turn to someone, hell, anyone who'll listen, and say, "i think this is the best thing ever." because when i feel that, it's so clear and precise it just takes me. it takes me and shakes me into clarity. and i think that really means something....damn if it doesn't mean everything.
"for i'm so scared of losing you/
and i don't know what i can do about it/
so tell me how long love before you go/
and leave me here on my own/
i know it/
i don't wanna know who i am without you/
i don't wanna know who i am without you/" <--------------- (i guess it's time to see who i am without it)
-agape, bears den
-S
