“You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.”

Shinji Moon 

"i made a promise such a long time ago that i would take in experiences-- all of them, 

so i could tell the people about them and maybe save them, but it gets so tiring.

i try to take in all the experiences for everybody, letting anyone say anything to me. 

and i realized i'm not different. i want what everyone wants. i want all the things.

i just want to be happy."

-girls, hbo

"don't ever tell anybody anything. if you do, you start missing everybody." - j.d. salinger

one-way tickets & the weight of it all

a small group of my friends and i gathered for dinner one last night all together before one of us left for good. he was quiet, kind, observant, and talented. we sort of adopted him into the group recently and before we knew it, it was time for him to leave. jake is a really talented songwriter and musician and after a few years of living in los angeles trying to make a name for himself, he decided to move to nashville. nashville is a beautiful city, and its the perfect place for a folk musician of his kind. so in honor of his last few days as a californian, a few friends gathered in downtown los angeles last week to celebrate jake and his new future.

yesterday jake cashed in his one way ticket for a new life in nashville, tennessee. and i've always admired him for his bravery, his hard work. he's worked so hard for the life he has always dreamt of, and i've never for a second doubted it'll happen for him. when i see someone go for a dream like he is, i always have this faith that it will happen for them. because if you try your best, put your best foot forward, and work damn hard, well something good always comes from that, right?

that night i stood on the roof of a friends friends apartment, watching the skyline of downtown los angeles while the subtle chill of the wind froze the tip of my nose.  i squinted at the skyline, letting the lights blur in my teary eyes. i filled my lungs with a breath of cold air, closed my eyes and thought, "you can be anywhere you want to right now," and pretended i was somewhere else. "somewhere with a city skyline like this one," i thought... seattle, nyc, maybe even nashville. somewhere big so i could feel small again. so i could dream again. and really, i could be anywhere i want to be right now. and it was then that i got this sense that life is all about the one-way tickets.  the act of rising to the occassion. of deciding, this is it. going for the thing you're convinced will make you so very happy. 

i tried to imagine what it would mean for me to buy a one way ticket and how i had never done that before. i had never left a place with no intention of returning. the idea frightens me and excites me. i wondered if jake had ever worried like this too. if he's doubted himself, if he's been afraid of the magnitude of his dreams. i once heard someone somewhere say, "if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." and i think its true and awful too. it's the people who don't get lost in the fear of a distant dream. the people who feel the weight of it all and take steps, the leaps in the direction of their dreams. 
and the scary part is that i don't know if i'm one of those people. the kind that buys the one-way ticket and say to hell with it, it's time to leap.

...but damn if i don't wish i were.


-S

dirty laundry

i met with my mentor yesterday for a few hours over iced tea, which was ironically, or maybe not ironically, called "happiness".
we talked about things i've talked a lot about before; friendships, relationships, figuring out who you are, etc., but never have i understood these things we talked about in this way. she gets what it's like to be me, because now as a married 30-something who used to be a single 20-something like me, she gets its. she gets the heartache of being single. the confusion in self worth. she gets it, she was there once too.
she explained things in a way where i realized i had always felt them too, but i never knew how to explain it, or really never knew where the feelings were coming from:

the feeling i would get after talking to a boy that was just a friend. a really close friend. it has always been so natural for me to go deep in discussion, to want to fix things, to help people with their problems, and in turn also tell them mine. i would tell them everything. secrets and desires spilled out, continuously uprooting myself for them.
and the next day i would wake up exhausted and empty and gross.
i would become so invested in this person, whoever it was at the time, and them in me and the next day i would just feel gross...like an emotional hangover. i never knew that feeling of exhaustion would later turn into regret. regret that i gave too much the night before. too much of my mind, too much of my heart, too much of me.

after tea with her yesterday, i went home and took a shower and still i felt dirty. i let the water fall over me and around me, as i tried and tried to scrub this feeling off my body. i felt not my own. i feel not my own. like there are parts of me scattered all over town, hiding in the hearts of men who didn't want me, but acted like they needed me... oh the danger in feeling needed... pieces of me i couldn't get back even if i tried.
i feel like everybody elses' but mine. and the worst part was that no one took it from me, i gave it away. i gave in to the lie that i was special, that i was his "favorite girl". whoever he was at the time, i always believed it. i found immense comfort and complacent worth in being someones "favorite girl." i always believed them, so i willingly gave myself away.
i feel dirty and used and exhausted. like dirty laundry; worn and dirtied and thrown, no longer useful and in desperate need of washing.

i'm exhausted from being the stand-in.

the girl always used for my mind, my time, my energy, my words, my strength.
wrung out and left to dry over and again by the men in my life who have left after having found the girl to replace the stand-in with. a girl who gave everything i had to give, but the difference was that they wanted to kiss this girl as well.

so right now i feel dirty and empty and exhausted and used. and i think that's a really okay place to be in; totally empty with nothing left to give, and in turn fully reliant on the holy spirit of god to fill me back up with His grace and redeeming love. 

"trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. -psalm 62:8

....pour my heart out to Him, for God is my refuge"


-S

"Of course I'll hurt you. Of course you'll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence." -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

...accepting the risk.

agape

i don't care much for openers.
i didn't come to see them. i didn't pay for them.

last night i saw daughter at the wiltern and they were so good. 
but this opener was different, and damn if i dismiss another again.

three walked out; one picked up an acoustic guitar, one a banjo, and one walked over to the drums. simple. i wasn't paying attention until maybe 20 seconds into the first song when i found myself completely taken over. mind, soul, heart, completely enthralled and fulfilled from what i was hearing. it hurt it was so so good. it was if i could physically feel the music, the words pouring back into an empty part inside me. i turned to my friend and said, "you gotta know, i think this is best thing ever," because when i feel that, the feeling where you just know that this is the best thing ever, it's so clear and precise it just takes you. 

today i lost a big part of me i knew i had to let go of. and the sucky thing is that it was never going to be an easy decision.  selfless decisions are kind of sucky in that way; they're never the easy ones to make. it was a hard day, but it was something that had to happen because there are greater things in the works for me right now, and i think that's what's making this much easier than if there weren't.  but it's scary. it's scary letting go of something i've built security and comfort in.  it's scary jumping fully into something i'm being called to, no looking back.  i'm scared of what's to come.  i'm afraid of the possibility of a bad outcome, but i think i might be more afraid of the possibility of a good outcome. all i've wanted for so long is clarity of my calling yet i find myself afraid of actually knowing it.  i'm constantly fighting myself, i'm constantly being my own obstacle. 

right now it's hard. and it's okay because it's supposed to be. and i've found comfort in the fact that it will get easier. then it'll be hard again, then it will get better, again. and i anticipate that cycle will repeat for a while. and that's okay.  
it's okay because all of these tears, tears of relief, tears of fear and of change, tears of responsibility, tears of loss, they're good tears. they're good tears of all good things because when i'm doing it, when i'm actually doing what i'm being called to, i get that feeling. the feeling where i just want to turn to someone, hell, anyone who'll listen, and say, "i think this is the best thing ever." because when i feel that, it's so clear and precise it just takes me. it takes me and shakes me into clarity. and i think that really means something....damn if it doesn't mean everything.



"for i'm so scared of losing you/
and i don't know what i can do about it/
so tell me how long love before you go/
and leave me here on my own/
i know it/
i don't wanna know who i am without you/
i don't wanna know who i am without you/"                <--------------- (i guess it's time to see who i am without it)


-agape, bears den 


-S

"depth over distance was all i asked of you.." 

-ben howard

tuesday tidbits

B //

something new:

i've begun crafting. i'm enjoying learning and stretching myself as i tap into my creative side. +plus it inspires me to make things for my loved ones to enjoy. also, i am newly "training" (in some sense of the word) for a cycling race for diabetes. it's always been a desire of mine to be a part of a marathon or race for something bigger than myself. welp, here goes nothin.

something inspiring:

these two young men decided to leave their life behind and pursue adventure and regain the sense of astonishment found in youth. they are biking from oregon to patagonia in search of stories to hear and tell. i am so inspired by their willingness to leave behind comfort in an effort to allow the world to really amaze them, like when we were all young. the ideals of this culture can be so narrow minded and often make us forget that the desires in our hearts can be pursued and lived out. i will be following their journey for the next year, you should too... oregontopatagonia.com

something disturbing: 

as of late, i have subconsciously attempted to embrace every last california summer perk. today proved no different as i just about ate an entire watermelon! i would not be surprised if there was a watermelon growing in my stomach as i type. my blood sugar level is probably through the roof, and family is undoubtedly wondering where the unsliced watermelon went. so cheers to sweet summer fruit and belly aches.

something i'm listening to:

i've been really into late 70's mechanical rock & roll lately. currently listening to The Cars and early David Bowie. i really dig the feel-good, American feel it brings me. you can find me grooving to this in the car. (see what i did there?!...k, cool)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


S //

something new:
i'm moving out! finally! come october i'll be out on my semi-own, so right now, in between school, work, homework, internship, and breathing, i'm looking for furniture to paint, crafts to make, and packing up!

something inspiring:
this quote from my english class book--

"I saw in their eyes something I was to see over & over in every part of the nation---a burning desire to go, to move, to get under way, anyplace, away from Here."

-John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley, 1962

something disturbing:
i don't remember the last time i took a nap! this is not normal by any means. naps are sacred and i've always treated them as such but i've been so busy i haven't had time for a nice, satisfying nap. i find this very disturbing.

something i'm listening to:
glorious ruins, hillsong live. all day, all week, for two weeks now. i fall in love with one song and then the next and so on. i'm just now beginning to grasp the album in it's entirety, and boy is it a good one.

jeremiah 29:11

i’m reminded sometimes, whether it's as subtle as a little nudge on the shoulder; or as obvious as a slap in the face, i’m reminded that God has a plan. and sometimes it takes these little reminders that are felt and experienced so clearly, because over time saying, “it’ll work out, God has a plan,” becomes so monotonous. because He does have a plan. we know that. as followers we know that, as students of His word, we know that. so sometimes the phrase, “don’t worry God has a plan” are just words used as a comfort without the conviction. as refuge or a quick fix. as a way to silence and calm someone down. and when we so often use it this way, the significance becomes lost on us.

but do we really believe the things we are saying to be true? do we really believe He has a plan? do we honestly know, deep down in our core being, that God has it all under control? that He knows what He’s doing? when we say, “God has a plan,” are we just saying the words, subconsciously thinking, “well i’ve got one too, just in case His plan doesn’t work out… just in case i don’t really like His plan.”

i’m guilty of this. i admit that i am totally and completely guilty of this. and while i may be one of few that will admit my guilt, i know i am not the only one.  i think everyone struggles with letting go of control over our lives. as people, it’s in our innate nature to be protective over ourselves and over our dreams, aspirations, and even daily lives. we want to rule ourselves. we appoint ourselves our own God. it happens by nature, not because we truly desire to live this way.

i desire to have a life that serves and glorifies Jesus, a life that surrenders all earthly desires in order to give Him full control. but it’s not easy. i desire that life, but the struggle of implementation is what makes me human. and it’s designed that way. if it were easy, we wouldn’t need to rely on Him in times of doubt and strife.

i’ve been abnormally lucky lately. and i use the term lucky loosely and in the sense that i’ve been blessed in terms of the experiences i’ve had as of late. not that i’m not continuously blessed, because i totally am, but i think I’ve just become much more aware of the things i feel He’s been trying to reveal to me.

yesterday at work my dad texted me asking if i could do him a favor.  i read his text and my mind automatically began to think of an excuse i could use.  hesitantly i asked him what it was he needed me to do, and he told me he needed me to pick up my aunt after work, about 15 minutes in the opposite direction of home, in the middle of traffic. all i wanted to do was go home as soon as possible after an 8 hour day. it took me a couple of hours to respond and although he said it wasn’t a problem if i didn’t pick her up, i just felt like i should, as much as i really didn’t want to.so in the heart of traffic, i made my way over to get her.

now my aunt doesn’t speak much english, and having lived in a different country than her, i really don’t know her well. that being said, i was anticipating a long and uncomfortably quiet ride home.

it wasn’t so bad at first. she knew more english than i had given her credit, enough to make nice small talk. about half way home she remembered that i had been gone for the last two weeks in Ukraine. she asked me how my trip was, what we did there, how was the food, the weather, etc. i explained to her in very little detail, since much went over her head. in response to her question regarding our teams purpose for the trip i replied saying, “we taught english to students at camp. that’s why we went.” after i said that, in the back of my mind i heard, “that’s not why you went! why don’t you tell her the truth? this is your perfect opportunity to share the TRUTH.”  

after a minute of silence i said, “well we did go there to teach english, but we were really there to teach them about Jesus and about the bible. we had camp for the students to learn about Jesus. that’s why we went.” and with that statement i found the courage to carry on with the opportunity to share the gospel.

  

she was a curious one. we discussed and compared religions, and about how only one can be the truth. she asked me about how i came to choose christianity in a family that doesn’t practice religion at all. she talked to me about how she has been searching for a long time for a religion that seemed right and that she’s curious about christianity. and it all just flowed. i felt like i was completely directed with the right words to say. i think i was smiling during the entire conversation because i couldn’t help but be in awe that i was talking to my aunt about Jesus. and not to mention, my aunt and my dad come from a strict muslim family. for so long i have been discouraged by the fact that i had no idea how to share the good news with my dads’ side of the family, and here i was offering to get my aunt a bible.

she’s coming to church on sunday too. and im so excited.

i also just found out that her sister has been going to a church for a while now and wants to become a Christian. and i don’t even know how to handle that news. i get tears in my eyes thinking about it.

God answers prayers.

and i say that with absolute conviction and celebration.. because if there was a prayer i truly never believed would be answered, it was this one.

God answers prayers.

and it’s all in His timing. in His plan.

i’m older now. more mature, more firm in my faith and foundation. more equipped and prepared. ready and eager to share the truth of who He is. when you open your eyes and hearts to what God has laid out for you, He’ll offer a glimpse into that plan. an inside look, a quick peek into what He’s brewing.

His plan is good and perfect, and it's all for us. 

"'for I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" -jeremiah 29:11

-S

"Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted."

Syliva Plath 

"cherish your solitude. take trains by yourself 

to places you have never been. sleep out alone 

under the stars. learn how to drive a stick shift. 

go so far away that you stop being afraid of not 

coming back. say no when you don't want to do 

something. say yes if your instincts are strong, even 

if everyone around you disagrees. decide whether 

you want to be liked or admired. decide if fitting in 

is more important than finding out what you're doing here. 

believe in kissing."

eve ensler

i stumbled upon this at the most perfect time. funny how life works that way sometimes right?

-S

turning the page

adaptation. To make suitable to or fit for a specific use or situation.
v.intr. To become adapted:

as humans we are constantly adapting. inwardly and outwardly. either by force or choice, it is necessary and unavoidable. and this is great, don't get me wrong. the product of change is an evolving perspective and expanding opportunity. honest to goodness, i pray i never stop. however, i'm not going to tell you it is easy.

i have always feared saying goodbye and said it all too often. no, i am not having a peyton sawyer "people always leave" moment, but living with two families and having a brother in the military, it had its place. despite its numerous visits, i have yet to shake the heavy gloom that lives inside the core of saying goodbye. maybe no one really does. or maybe i am just extremely sentimental. 

i am in the midst of a season of goodbyes. a season of waterworks. and regardless of how much i kick my feet or how tightly i clench my fists, i must do so. i know the Lords will is greater than anything i could imagine up. and my trust lies in that truth. a farewell is only as hard as the amount in which you let them in your heart. and my goodness i have definitely let them in--cue the moment when i snap my fingers in reluctance.-- 

when i read books, i am endlessly dying to reach the next chapter. i am afraid i have done just that. but, now that it's time to turn the page i struggle to find the strength to begin the next chapter.

how do you walk away from what is home?

Sincerely,
B

scaredy cat

pushing people away & running in the opposite direction.

these things i am way too good at.

-S

"how can someone who wants to be loved, hate it when they're loved at all?"

 -sarah jaffe

stubborn love

i was right
i was right
i was right i was right i was right
i was so so right

i don't want to do it but i have to
i have to let go. i have to walk away--because someone has to and that is why i was right
and as much as the notion usually brings me much pleasure, i wish i was not right about this.one.thing.
i was right and i wish i was not
i wish i was not

i wish you were not you and i was not me when we are together--because this would be much easier.
but it never is, is it? the things you wish could be easy
is walking away right because things shouldn't be this complicated?
is fighting for something right because it means something?
is it cowardly to walk away or strong to move on?
the only thing i see as simple is that i simply do not know

i was right and i wish i was not.
i wish it didn't have to be this way, but it does.
i wish i knew what i wanted, but i don't.
i wish we were not us, but we are---which is why you won't hear from me anymore.
and i wish i could tell you this, but i will not--because after all, you never told me. 
you never said anything. 
you had so many chances, but you never took one and that makes me sad.

and as much as i wish i wasn't, i was right.
i was right.

-S

"between men and women there is no friendship possible.

there is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

-oscar wilde

"thank goodness i'm a visceral writer. it just comes out of me in a flood. i can't stop."

-carlene bauer, frances and bernard

nyc and me

"i was in love with New York. i do not mean 'love' in any colloquial way, i mean that i was in love with the city, the way you love the first person who ever touches you and never love anyone quite that way again."

-joan didion

about less than twenty four hours before my flight, my parents were about to cancel--being that i literally had no where to sleep once i got off the plane.
and twenty four hours before that, this trip hadn't yet existed.

i let go and stopped fighting when they decided to cancel--and in that exact moment of surrender, my sister told me i'd have room to stay with her in manhattan.

i packed and was on my way hours later. the first plane was easy, just a quick hop to san francisco.
of course we couldn't get off the plane for another half hour after landing, right about the same time my next flight would be boarding. sheesh. talk about no control at all.
i got out and walked with great intent (because power walking doesn't sound cute) to the next gate and thank goodness my flight was slightly delayed. an act of God, i swear by it.

this next flight, i sat by a lady who looked disgusted by everything and everyone, including me.. and boy was it difficult to relax *just a little* for the five hours of flying. thanks crying baby and stomach-dropping turbulence and lady whom i will try with great restraint to not call a certain derogatory name. thank you.

the difficulty didn't stop there.
since the flight was delayed, i got to the terminal at about twelve thirty am, which would mean i missed my shuttle by about an hour. and of course no one was at the airport to help me figure out how to get out of there. i can do this, i thought. i don't need help. and i didn't. 

i saw a couple together at the airport, and i thought, must be nice to be taken care of like that, by a man who wants to protect you.
but i didn't need it. i felt strong.
i did everything today alone. a whole lot of traveling alone and i felt capable and confident--like i could take care of myself. like i didn't need anyone.
i had myself and that was enough. and that felt good.

i got picked up at around two thirty am from the airport--that's life, waiting two hours in the depth of the ungodly hours-- that's adventure. you gotta roll with the punches. 
almost there. almost there.
as i sat in the car, tall buildings passing by, i felt at home again.
a small, cheesy smile spread across my face: i was in New York City.

i arrived at three am, finally at my sisters apartment, carry on in one hand, coat in the other, and under eye circles that gave my traveling-all-day-doesn't-make-me-tired-at-all facade away.
and the best part of it all was that i felt like i got to see something no one really does...
i got to see "the city that never sleeps" in a silent slumber; and as tired as i was, i felt luckier than anyone asleep or awake at three am.
i was home in NYC

in that moment nothing else mattered

-S

“gone are the days when the wind would brush my face

 and gone are the days when you’re the wind

 and gone are the days when my heavy heart was worn on my

 sleeve”

–the head and the heart, gone

taking back today

one morning i woke up and coffee was no longer for grown ups, but for myself as well.

i want to dive into the enigma of youth. 

to hell with second guessing. and expectations placed on me? forget that too.

i yearn to shock people. to really surprise them.

no hidden agenda except following the tug on my heart to explore for what its worth. 

i am young. life is peculiar. & i will not protect my days. 


so George Bernard Shaw, when you said "youth is wasted on the young" ...i'm setting out to prove you wrong. 


sincerely, 
a youthful B