a poem, or something of the sort.

TO WANT

we're all at a standstill, satisfied with the mediocrity of our lives

the lives that happened to us, not by chance, rather by this town.

a town that holds vacant minds and suffocated hearts

hearts that break for this town, whether gone or still around.

it's crippling.

i want to feel

i want to love

i want to be scared

i want to want so much, it's crippling

i want to leave

i can't stay here anymore

i want to dream, to create

yet most of all, i want the want to diminish

to live, really live, not to want to live.

at the end of the day, all we've really done is gone through the motions of a life being lived for us.

it's crippling

-S

these things i wonder

"And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be... or lose that person completely." –H.G. Wells

i wonder, is it easier to move on, keeping things the same way ever since everything had to change?

comfortable with the absence; finally accepting that this is the way things are now.

or...

do you risk your sanity for the chance of having some of it back?

does “patching things up” really fill in any empty holes, or will it just cut deeper when its gone?

will what’s given, ever be enough?

at least it's nice to be missed.

sincerely,

a cautious one, S

ten things

ten things that made me happy this week:

1. my church

2. a warm fireplace

3. wearing my favorite matching christmas pajamas

4. watching the romantics, for the hundredth time

(katie holmes + josh duhamel = perfection)

5. a charming starbucks employee ;)

6. the series finale of One Tree Hill

7. a vanilla chai latte at alta coffee shop

8. dinner with my family

9. looking at the clouds after a day of rain

10. making plans to catch up

sincerely,

a content S

golden girl

its official. Tavi Gevinson is the coolest gal. there is nothing more wonderful and intriguing than someone who pulls all of their inspiration into what they love, creating something beautiful in return. and this girl rocks it at such a young age! 

sincerely, 

an inspired B

maybe...

maybe i've been pretending to not like spring all along, when in fact its become my favorite through its arrival. (apart from autumn)

maybe everything tastes better out of a mason jar. 

maybe i have been feeling real uninspired lately, while that is by no means an excuse-inspiration must find you working.

maybe i'm tired of being cautious.

maybe i often am unsure. but i do care.
maybe tea time is the best time. (aside from sunset hour)

maybe giving up treats for lent was a good effort. but a lost cause.

maybe i'm slightly obsessed with the beautiful outdoors.

maybe i just cant wait to travel 'til i'm older. theres no time like now.

maybe i (deeply) want to fall in love with my creator.

maybe my favorite past time is long drawn out talks with the best of friends about life &  everything in between.

maybe i dont want to decide whether to follow my head or my heart.

maybe i'm craving a good ol' camping session. OH WAIT. : )

maybe i love quilts almost as much as my love for old folks

maybe the blessing is too often overlooked. 

maybe i'm craving something deeper.

maybe this all really isnt about me or you, as we've been fooled to believe. 

sincerely, 

a curious one, B

love

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” ― Federico García

"It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does." - Peter McWilliams

frankly, i have never been a fan of valentines day.  
it is simply a holiday for every single person to be reminded of just how single they are.
yet, here i am writing an incredibly sappy post on love, just in time.

to some i maybe unfortunate, and to others whom may have endured a broken heart, i maybe fortunate when i say that i have never truly fallen in love.  
although i have never experienced falling in love firsthand, i can say with confidence (and most likely many people would agree) that falling in love is one of the best things that can ever happen to a person in their lifetime.  
yet, i can also say that love can also be one of the worst things that can happen to a person. 

as the topic of love has always been a curiosity of mine, i often wonder how that can possibly be.  
how is it that two things, at such extremes, be true in a love-struck heart? 
that love can be the best and worst thing to happen to someone? 
but when i put the two together, i realized it makes absolute sense. 
yes, love may come at the cost of a gut-wrenching heartbreak that may make a piece of a heart forever broken, but does that completely damage the perfect and whole idea of a man and woman loving each other for the rest of their lives? 
no. 
never. 
because without the heartbreak and anger and endless crying, there is no love.  
there would be no reason for anger or tears over something that didn’t matter. 
there is no lively presence without the feeling of being ghostlike after something ends.  
there is no reason to smile at a beautiful sunny day if there is never the rain to make us appreciate the bright and brilliant sun.  

love is simply not possible without the contradictory; hate, jealousy, fear, vulnerability.
there can never be a great love without the risk of a great loss.  
so what is the point in all of this comparing and contrasting? 

the point is to go and love.  
love everyone.  love everything.  
love when nothing goes right, because there is always the chance it just might work out in your favor.
love someone when all they have done is wrong you, because you never know if they will come around one day, just because of you. 
love when you have nothing left in you, because that will be the very thing that will fill you again.  

and lastly, don’t ever be afraid to love that one person who will always have a piece of your heart… after all, you never know if you have a piece of theirs.

sincerely,

a closet romantic, S

"to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” -clive staples lewis

yes. pessimist, optimist, whatever you may be, the idea of being vulnerable is troublesome, perilous and often more beneficial to avoid. we risk when we open ourselves to loving anything in any way. i believe a big part in being willing to risk is whether we are able to trust. in fact they are merely incomplete without one another. inseperable. 

               trust (n): a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

maybe i'm speaking solely for myself; always believing letting people in would take much too high a risk while life could easily continue on the comfortable track. with people left and right being heart broken, hurt, confused--there was no need to get tangled in all of the sort. and yet, there's always the lingering cliche that you never fully learn except through your own experiences. but there was no way. that was too far-fetched to be true. how could this individualistic society all be led to endure the same experiences to attain these relatable ideals. after all, that is the purpose books, history, stories, music etc. are intended, right?!  i'd love so much to believe that i haven't in some ways wasted so many years yearning to protect my days, to save myself from possible suffering.  i'm humbly reminded by Clive himself that life is so much more than looking back one day and saying "oh boy i'm glad i never went beyond my own mind and felt vulnerable for once, missing out on opportunities to learn about myself and more importantly people!" no. oh no. so silly. i mean really, i wont let that be me. & i was actually reminded of this rather recently through an experience in which i deeply believe I could've only learned tangibly rather than vicariously by any means. but hey we all need some slack, i had to discover this whole experience thing eventually, it just came a little later in the game. i want to live my life really feeling my emotions, not looking at them in some intellectual way (as far as this mind is "intellectual" haha) i won't let my heart be locked away or distracted. by no means is this a right of passage for 'wearing my heart on my sleeve' in any case...but i suppose i am choosing to weigh relationships (in all forms) in a different light and remember not to wrap it with hobbies and earthly things. to truly feel why God created this heart in me sounds awful nice. this i believe, is what the Lord wants for my life, my heart and especially my relationship with Him. At the end of the day, this is my commitment to being vulnerable.

sincerely, 

a skeptic, B