a weekend in the city

here are a few photos i took on my iPhone from my much-too-brief weekend in NYC.

goodness, that place is magical.

1. flying at sunset

2. twilight in times square

3. buvette--the sweetest parisian cafe

(recommended by the lovely megfee)

4. a killer latte & current read

5. obsessed with the gorgeous sunlight on this street

6. hillsong nyc--what an incredible service

7. record store day in west village

8. central park never looked so beautiful

9. nothing is worse than driving away from that view

10. boarding for the long flight

11. waiting at the gate

i don't know quite how, but a city like NYC just does something to you.  i think that's why i love it so much; because you can't exactly put your finger on why it's as incredible as it is--unexplained mystery i suppose.

i do know that being somewhere so grand just puts things into perspective. it shows us how much we sweat and make big the little things in our lives; but also how much potential we have, and how many possibilities are out there for us to take a risk on.

i talk about being alone and how i desire more time to live on my own, but up until this weekend, i'm not really sure i ever understood what that meant. being alone refines you, strengthens you, both mentally and emotionally.

even if just for a few hours.  it's nice not having to talk--i feel like everyone is talking to fill the silence, talking about things that serve no purpose in our growth as people and our relationships, talking about things that won't change--it gets tiring.

this weekend i spent hours and hours of time without talking to a single person. but without words, i still had this involuntary dialogue that happens within your own mind where your thoughts are free flowing, creativity sparking, your opinions solidifying. i need to spend more time just listening, to myself, to God, to things and people around me.

just be silent. see what happens. see what you can hear.
see what your mind has been trying to tell you.

-S

"thank goodness i'm a visceral writer. it just comes out of me in a flood. i can't stop."

-carlene bauer, frances and bernard

coachella daydreams

as of late, S and i have sailed away on S.S. Nostalgia and there is no sight of shore.
a year ago today, we escaped reality and entered a world only dreamed of. that world being coachella. 
despite a few irk-worthy circumstances, it was the best weekend. the first time i felt freedom pulsing through my veins. crowds of people, days dedicated only to music, dancing, laying in grassy fields, camping, friendly strangers, hot temperatures, hott boyz, desert sun sets--what about that isn't a dream?
it's true, once you enter, life before the gate is out of sight/out of mind. the rich smells at first odd (some plain yuck) quickly became homelike and safe. 
for weeks we were excited to for our fun outfits and hair, but looking cute was not an option considering it was the hottest coachella in all of coachella history (107 to be exact)!  and you thought we were crazy.
without being biased, i really did enjoy last years line up better than this years. 
a couple conversation worthy performances: The Head and the Heart, Grouplove, St. Vincent, Feist, Andrew Bird, Bon Iver, Other Lives, Black Keys, M. Ward (for more reasons than one), First Aid Kit, Fitz and the Tantrums, Beirut, Florence
being that it was so hot, we missed a handful of early shows i wish we would have seen but i'm sure were lovely.
needless to say, i ache for said whimsical coachella freedom.

here are a few rare photos from this dreamy weekend.  

until next time coach

Sincerely,

B

nyc and me

"i was in love with New York. i do not mean 'love' in any colloquial way, i mean that i was in love with the city, the way you love the first person who ever touches you and never love anyone quite that way again."

-joan didion

about less than twenty four hours before my flight, my parents were about to cancel--being that i literally had no where to sleep once i got off the plane.
and twenty four hours before that, this trip hadn't yet existed.

i let go and stopped fighting when they decided to cancel--and in that exact moment of surrender, my sister told me i'd have room to stay with her in manhattan.

i packed and was on my way hours later. the first plane was easy, just a quick hop to san francisco.
of course we couldn't get off the plane for another half hour after landing, right about the same time my next flight would be boarding. sheesh. talk about no control at all.
i got out and walked with great intent (because power walking doesn't sound cute) to the next gate and thank goodness my flight was slightly delayed. an act of God, i swear by it.

this next flight, i sat by a lady who looked disgusted by everything and everyone, including me.. and boy was it difficult to relax *just a little* for the five hours of flying. thanks crying baby and stomach-dropping turbulence and lady whom i will try with great restraint to not call a certain derogatory name. thank you.

the difficulty didn't stop there.
since the flight was delayed, i got to the terminal at about twelve thirty am, which would mean i missed my shuttle by about an hour. and of course no one was at the airport to help me figure out how to get out of there. i can do this, i thought. i don't need help. and i didn't. 

i saw a couple together at the airport, and i thought, must be nice to be taken care of like that, by a man who wants to protect you.
but i didn't need it. i felt strong.
i did everything today alone. a whole lot of traveling alone and i felt capable and confident--like i could take care of myself. like i didn't need anyone.
i had myself and that was enough. and that felt good.

i got picked up at around two thirty am from the airport--that's life, waiting two hours in the depth of the ungodly hours-- that's adventure. you gotta roll with the punches. 
almost there. almost there.
as i sat in the car, tall buildings passing by, i felt at home again.
a small, cheesy smile spread across my face: i was in New York City.

i arrived at three am, finally at my sisters apartment, carry on in one hand, coat in the other, and under eye circles that gave my traveling-all-day-doesn't-make-me-tired-at-all facade away.
and the best part of it all was that i felt like i got to see something no one really does...
i got to see "the city that never sleeps" in a silent slumber; and as tired as i was, i felt luckier than anyone asleep or awake at three am.
i was home in NYC

in that moment nothing else mattered

-S

“gone are the days when the wind would brush my face

 and gone are the days when you’re the wind

 and gone are the days when my heavy heart was worn on my

 sleeve”

–the head and the heart, gone

the now and here

-a latte

-a charming book i was sad to finish

-overcast & drizzly weather; april trying keep her promise of showers

-a few hours with B

-"shell suite" on repeat

there is much joy in simplicity

-S

a plea to shake the dust

some days, the fog is impenetrable.

today, i can't even see my own hand through the fog.

my heart is downcast. 

my mind is at capacity; while my mouth is at a loss. 

its presence leaves an unpleasant pressure on my chest. 

the reason is uncertain.

a number of things, doin a number on me.

i remind myself i can be honest here. so here goes something.

it takes every ounce of me to be open with people.

"do i need to change how i act depending on the person?"

i want to make sure everyone is heard and happy--so i forfeit my voice. 

stumbling to share even the tiniest parts of my heart.

comparison paves the way for my absence. 

today, it took so much to even be pleasant. 

no, i don't completely know what i want to spend my life doing. 

i do know i have a passion to love people with love i do not possess.

i wish it were as effortless to walk away from our friendship as it was for you. 

confined by the boundaries i've built myself. 

is it too much to get over my hill and be still?

there is so much to be. 

i can't find myself in all the haze i've created.

all of this makes me weak human.

all i ask is,

to shake the dust.

and all i can do is run. 

run fast and quick to the only one who restores the broken. 

sincerely, 

an honest B

please excuse my feeling vomit above.

she & him

she cleans the house when he leaves

she cooks all day, and touches up her makeup before he gets home

she makes his plate on the table she’s set

she asks him questions, and receives unsatisfactory answers

she washes the dishes, and brews his tea

watching him fall asleep in front of the T.V.

this is her everyday

and she wants more

he wakes before the sun

he checks his phone while he's still in bed

he dresses for the meetings ahead

he drives against the traffic day & night

he comes home tired, as anyone would be

he kisses her on the cheek, noticing the perfume

he sits at the table, eating the food she’s made

he lies on the couch with the dog on his lap

the droning of the T.V., slowly lulling him to sleep

this is his everyday

and he wants more

she sees her reflection in the compact mirror, in thewindow of the oven

he sees his reflection in the screen of his computer, in the glass door of his office

and they don't ever see each other.

-S

taking back today

one morning i woke up and coffee was no longer for grown ups, but for myself as well.

i want to dive into the enigma of youth. 

to hell with second guessing. and expectations placed on me? forget that too.

i yearn to shock people. to really surprise them.

no hidden agenda except following the tug on my heart to explore for what its worth. 

i am young. life is peculiar. & i will not protect my days. 


so George Bernard Shaw, when you said "youth is wasted on the young" ...i'm setting out to prove you wrong. 


sincerely, 
a youthful B

-S

c/o megfee.com

fictional loss

theres a certain kind of sadness.  

this is the gentle kind. 

seeing bold footprints of joy, but is aching.

an ache for the present. 

for deeper, always more.

for fear of loss.

ache to curl up and live in the present just a little bit longer.

it reaches the corner of my heart that feeds off of nostalgia. 

when gladness overflows, comes the sweeping sadness. 

a fear, or rather anxious heart that it all could be taken in an instant. 

perhaps a lack of faith.

the gravity of it is slowly being revealed to me. 

the weight of its occurance is crippling.

not everyone plans to leave.

today, the blessings are abundant.

sincerely,

B

a need to breathe

i'm drowning:
enveloped by the waves, with an anchor of a thousand tons tied to my ankles
these inescapable shackles

i need to come up for air
dear God, i need air and freedom and time and adventure and life and You--goodness gracious i need You

i need You to guide me
and i need to listen & follow
i can't do this without You

-S

matthew 11:28-30

psalm 46:10

psalm 23:3

twenty years

here's to a sentimental heart,

twenty years.

a first birthday. first time riding a bike. first best friend. first crush. first heart-ache. first joy. first rejection. first performance. first hand hold. many more. first passion. first moment of clarity. first realization. first time i felt beautiful.

a lot can happen in twenty years. it feels like a lifetime. well, it is my lifetime. 
i have always been extremely sentimental, and this year is no exception. especially due to the fact that i am leaving teenage life and entering the twenties. sure, everyone raves about how great the years to come are/will be. but i'm a sucker for youth. for innocence and naive hearts. it's the way my heart has always beated and i am okay with that. i have honest to goodness had the most amazing years on Earth. as weird as it is to sum up a lifetime, it is the only way i can cope in the turning of age. the blessings can be counted for days. starting with the people. the circumstances often difficult? sure. beautiful? of course. worth the challenge? always. but my mind can not for the life of me (haha) wrap around the fact that i have spent 7304 days walking this earth with thoughts and feelings and a beating heart and emotions and passions. whew. thats a lot to swallow. grateful doesn't do justice to the emotion i feel about the people who have came in my life. whether for a short time or permanently. what a blessing to have people truly care about who you are. i mean, after all this is what life is about. 

life appears weirder and weirder as age grows. but one thing is for sure, the view is grander over here. so to you 12 year old Brianna stressing about becoming a teenager...i tell you do not even stress. you will blink you're eye and like dust it is gone. with the ashes comes beauty. to my future 20 year old self? embrace. let go. fear less. accept more. love greater. do more. challenge. and just be. 

as humans we are constantly in a state of change. there is no stopping. so now i remind myself over and over to embrace gracefully where i am today.

afterall, what a BEAUTIFUL thing it is to be  a l i v e .

sincerely,
B

this is a post about becoming; my becoming

one is not the loneliest number.
one is freeing
one is challenging
one is patient
one is forgiving
one is an adventure to be had

i'm excited to be alone. to live life on my own. to grow up and experience all the world has to offer. alone.
there's something to be said about the fearfully beautiful realization that i have no idea what life a year, 2 years, or 5 years from now will look like.  no idea what i'll be doing, where i'll be doing that something, who i'll be with, or who i'll even be myself. the fact that when i think about the future, all i see is a big question mark--i love that.

i love that even though i am so naturally--in every aspect i can get my hands on--am a control freak...and yet that question mark that hangs over my future, makes my heart dance. i have a whole life still to be dreamt up.
so many people to meet; people who will break my heart, and i theirs. people who will make some dreams come true, and people who will end some dreams. people who will make me feel at home, and people who will love me for the person Christ has created me to be through the life i have gotten to experience, alone.

i get to grow up alone. i get to make mistakes that lie on my own shoulders and mine only. i get to disappoint myself, and learn to not do that again. independence is kind of forgiving and patient in that way, yet challenging. it grows you.

i feel as though these days, at least in the society i surround myself with, everyone is saying "hurry! go find your soul mate now! wow, you're 20 and aren't in a serious relationship? you better get to it then!" or something like that..as if that's the equivalence to success and happiness. like this stage of curiosity, changing, becoming, is just, 'in the meantime'.

sadly the journey is often over-looked for the final destination; rather than appreciated and fervently embraced and admired for the beauty that uncovers itself slowly and magnificently with each new experience.
finding your forever is an incredible thing, but so is finding yourself.

that season of life--the "one day we, not i, will"--will be beautiful.

but this season of life--this season of my becoming--is already beautiful.


-S

"it's all a matter of paying attention, being awake in the present moment, and not expecting a huge payoff. the magic in this world seems to work in whispers and small kindness." -charles de lint

part three

a twist in the plot

a tweak to the story

an emerging loophole

could there remain in the midst of the ashes, but a few embers?

a light at the end of said tunnel?

and so the never-ending saga continues…

-S