i was sitting at my computer, eyes squinting, when i saw my glasses sitting beside me on my bed. i rolled my eyes at myself. the fact that i would sit and type, squinting my eyes, when the solution was sitting right beside me was me in a nutshell. choosing to go on stubbornly, with a problem that had a solution so clear and obvious is what i do. all the time.

i was told to write a letter.

"write a letter to the person you need to say things to. but don't send it," is what i was told.

apparently you're supposed to write these things you'll never tell someone to make yourself feel better. write down what you want to say, get these thoughts out of your head and onto a piece of paper that will just go in the trash...somehow that's supposed to make everything better. throwing away the words that hold weight and truth. words that you would say to someone if only you had the courage. keeping those words to the confines of a paper thrown away...i just did not understand how that could make anything better.

and as i looked at my glasses beside me, i saw more clearly.  i tend to make the problems in my life seem unsolvable, or keep the problems stuck in my head, letting my thoughts eat away at me. then, in the midst of trying to come up with a solution, i negate my own thoughts by saying things like, "well what if this really meant that?" or "maybe i'm just making it all up in my head".. and because of this, it goes on for much longer than it should. and nothing gets done. nothing gets solved. it just piles on until i either explode, or push the problem or the person away completely.

so i had written this letter with no intention of sending it. but after writing it i realized i needed to say the things i had written down. i couldn't just give these words to someone. they were my words and i didn't want to give them to someone who could keep them forever, should they choose to keep my letter. these words were too important to me to give away, but also too important not to say. because sometimes you have to use your voice...your audible voice. sometimes you just have to muster up the courage to actually speak. to use your own inflections for words or phrases, say things in the way you want them to heard, let someone hear how difficult it is for you to verbalize what you need them to hear. i couldn't let these thoughts sit in my head anymore, and i certainly couldn't let them sit on paper in a trash can. 

so i decided it was time to speak. and that is what i will do.

-S

a cautionary tale

she locked it up at a young age.
for fear of it being mistreated, misused, cut or bruised.
and as time went on and she grew older, the tower that protected it became taller and stronger, brick by brick.
nothing and no one could neither get inside nor tear it down

and inside her tower lived but one single beating heart. her heart.

slowly losing color, losing faith, losing life day by day.

it sat in a small box, boarded up by the locks and chains of insecurity, fear, vulnerability, truth; all the things that made the walls build up to be so tall.

and with the sunrise and night fall of every new day that came to pass, her heart began to gray and grow tough, resembling that of a cold stone.

for that is what her heart became.
in effort to protect it from any harm, she was the one to do the most damage

and it was a shame
a sad, sad shame


-S

when a match strikes the box

i lit a match just to watch it burn

just to watch it fade out right in front of my eyes

just to watch the flame consume the stick

like an animal consumes its prey

like a heart consumes a mind

like a persons love consumes another

i struck the match on the box and the fire burned slow and dim

i watched him from across the way like i watched the flame

i didn't look away when he looked back at me

his gaze captivated mine, neither of us wanting to break the stare

in those few seconds i was his and he was mine and that was that, not even a single word exchanged.

the fire finally burnt down to nothing, like it always does

but that moment still flickers in my mind

there are so many matches in the box that will strike and burn longer and brighter than others.

when will the rest of the box no longer ignite my curiosity?

-S

scaredy cat

pushing people away & running in the opposite direction.

these things i am way too good at.

-S

"how can someone who wants to be loved, hate it when they're loved at all?"

 -sarah jaffe

one cell in the sea

sometimes i feel as though i am lost in a sea of people

people who don't understand. people who don't know i'm there

i could yell--i could destroy things--and yet all they'd see is the fake smile plastered on my face

if only they looked into my eyes--really looked--they'd know how much this is killing me.

i wish i didn't have to tell people--it makes it too real. too hurtful. 

i wish they just knew.

i feel alone. this pain seems unbearable--intolerable.

i can control my thoughts in the day--when i am conscious of my actions and when i can fuel the void--but in the midst of the night, when the pain in my heart and stomache seem overpowering, i lose control. 

i lose the pride i hold in the day. 

i lose the thought that i can actually move on.

i begin to think i don't want anyone else. i would have been so happy. his hands fit mine so perfectly. his hugs so calming. his voice so warm.

but i have no choice. i don't get a say in this. 

i must move on.

in this sea of people--people who will never understand-- there is hope.

He gives me comfort in the night.

He gives me confidence.

confidence in a new tomorrow. 
confidence that this pain will one day be no more. 

in this sea that is beyond endurance-- that pushes and shoves and cripples-there is a calming voice. 

a sanctuary of safety. 

if i truly long to cease this pain i will surrender to the One who created me.

i will give up this hope and turn to something much greater. 

He is the only way.

the only way.

-KRD

(since it is our 50th blog post we had a very lovely girl write a guest post! thanks krd!)

as of late

my posts on this little blog have been far and few between as of late. i have been rather busy, between the end of the semester, work, traveling --okay, okay...maybe it is an issue of making time, as inclined as i am to admit. 

in light of that, here are a few photographs of life lately. seen through my quaint iphone lens, of course.

1. S and i enjoying Umami on my birthday. 

2. a favorite coffee shop in Seattle.

3. friends at stumptown coffee roasters.

4. a bbq on a lovely spring evening with family, ladies and...boys.

4. string lights and games

5. my favorite gals //  favorite city

6. gypsy lunch after a busy week

Sincerely, 

B

for fear of the...

it is not the meaning of love, nor is it the fear of love lost
it is the fear of the vast unknown:

i'm afraid of the ocean
anxious by its immensity

the curse of hypocrisy, the trepidation of commitment
ambivalence courses through me like the plague
it might be a disease, an "actual mental illness" 
i swear by it


-S

last night

i was jealous,
i was green.
i was sad,
and i was mean.

(a pathetic mini dr. suess-ish poem because my mind is currently a jumble of naive thoughts)

-S

the feeling of beauty

the last time we were all together, i asked my best friends a simple question: when do you feel most beautiful?

i didn't mean, when do you think you look most beautiful?
because looks had nothing to do with it.
i rarely think it does, really.

i asked them this question and i had to better explain what i meant.  i mean it's not something you really ever think about--i think because the feeling is so fleeting.

B answered, "when i'm exploring, or doing something outdoors.. when i'm active and i use my body for all it's worth."
i loved that-- when i use my body for all its worth.. it's crazy that we have these complicated bodies that are capable of such incredible things. when i think of all the things i can do, the obvious things--jump, walk, smile.. those things are huge. those things are a blessing we are given. they are nothing short of a gift.  using your body to do those things we've been blessed with.  yourself at your most natural sense of being--that is beauty.

R said, "when i share eye contact with someone-- it's a connection with another person on different level, it just means more."
her feeling was so spot on.  looking at someone in the eyes, that connection is so different than any other.  it's like a tangible understanding of one another, both your presence known, a window to your thoughts opened. eyes are so telling and hold so much knowledge--that is beauty.

when i had my own question turned on me i said, 
"1. when i'm telling a story and can make people laugh
 2. when someone looks at me and we both smile...like a big, stupid, can't-keep-my-face-from-taking-over-my-whole-face kind of smile.
3. right after i've cried."

i’ve been trying to notice and recognize the feeling of the difference between the moments of when i feel pretty and when i feel beautiful.  and it’s so blatantly obvious once you start to tell them apart. and any explanation i try to come up with, never quite makes perfect sense. it’s only in the moment when i can feel the difference, is when it makes perfect sense to me.

there’s this commonality in what i thought of as my moments of feeling most beautiful, and it seems like it comes hand in hand with when i’m most vulnerable. which is also the emotional state of being i’m most afraid of.  when i’m susceptible to embarrassment, when i’ve let someone in just enough for them to get a better grasp on the mystery i like to keep myself, when something has made me cry and feel weak. 

all these things are what make me feel most beautiful, but also what i try my best to avoid.
i avoid them for fear of letting people in, letting people really know me. because when they really get to know me, then they will make the choice whether or not i'm enough. enough to keep them around, enough to entertain everyone.
sometimes i feel like that's all i'm good for. like people only want me around if i'm going to be making jokes and being the same way all.the.time.
and for some reason i just don't feel like enough. even when i know not to believe that devil inside my head.

the more i think about it, the more i realize how much my own thoughts of myself are what can ruin a person like me.
all i have to do is turn them off--all the things i dislike and wish i could change.
because those things, are exactly what makes me feel most beautiful, most like myself, most happy.

that is  b e a u t y

-S

stubborn love

i was right
i was right
i was right i was right i was right
i was so so right

i don't want to do it but i have to
i have to let go. i have to walk away--because someone has to and that is why i was right
and as much as the notion usually brings me much pleasure, i wish i was not right about this.one.thing.
i was right and i wish i was not
i wish i was not

i wish you were not you and i was not me when we are together--because this would be much easier.
but it never is, is it? the things you wish could be easy
is walking away right because things shouldn't be this complicated?
is fighting for something right because it means something?
is it cowardly to walk away or strong to move on?
the only thing i see as simple is that i simply do not know

i was right and i wish i was not.
i wish it didn't have to be this way, but it does.
i wish i knew what i wanted, but i don't.
i wish we were not us, but we are---which is why you won't hear from me anymore.
and i wish i could tell you this, but i will not--because after all, you never told me. 
you never said anything. 
you had so many chances, but you never took one and that makes me sad.

and as much as i wish i wasn't, i was right.
i was right.

-S

"between men and women there is no friendship possible.

there is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

-oscar wilde