finding home again

i drove a long ways from home. across this state of mine and into a whole new state of mind.

it was the furthest i’ve driven, the furthest i’ve driven alone.

and the further i went, the further i got from the heart i didn’t know i left behind.

i drove away from home and when i returned i realized i didn’t have a home.

i had somewhere to come back to, with a family who missed me, but this is not my home.

this place, here on earth, is not my home.

this place is temporary, fleeting; like emotions, like our earthly possessions, like anything not built on a solid foundation of Christ.

i came back to this place, my house that i won’t call home, with a conviction that i should be and should have for a long time been striving for a life constantly in the pursuit of my Creator. 

i should be longing for the intimacy that i get to have with the God of the universe that i, in no way, deserve.

i want a character that reflects Christ’s love so clearly.

i want to seek Him and believe that everywhere i go, is Holy Ground.

i want to long for His word.

i want to fix my eyes on what is eternal, what is everlasting.

i want to make every decision a decision to g l o r i f y Him.

i came back home to Christ.

Heaven is my home.

my God is my home.

my God, You are home.

-S

the details

i've noticed that the big things always seem to fade out in your mind. the important things, the things that mattered. the parts of it that brought you to where you are now go away somehow. always.

then you're only left with the details. 
the small, minuscule details that get reminded to you through a song, or a smell, or place you once went with him. a blouse you put on and remember that the last time you wore it, he told you looked good that night. driving by a place that held homage to where many words and vulnerable truths were exchanged. a song on the radio that brings you back to his car, that night you drove until the freeway ended. a look in the eyes of someone else that makes you realize his look was so different.
and it all isn't so bad anymore. in fact it's nice. it's something like a small victory, almost worth celebrating that they don't ache behind your eyes as your memory replays it for you...that all these memories are fond ones now. 

the victory in knowing what it’s like to feel that way, and because of that you know now you could never settle for feeling less about someone else.

-S

the conversation

i stayed out late a few nights back. late enough to blink and have it be 2 & a half hours later, still sitting on the curb of 31st street. 
it was hours spent amongst old friends in the midst of the ungodly hours, with conversation full of questions without answers, and an overarching theme of the unrest and uncertainty of the fear of youth being wasted. it was a conversation longing for resolve, yet we were content in knowing there could never be said resolve. it was a conversation that just felt right; it needed to be had, and to know you weren't crazy, that others felt the exact.same.way as you, i think, is what is keeping us all just above water.

i've got a couple more months until i turn 20, and boyy am i gonna devour every last moment of teendom.

-S

the in between

driving home, it occurred to me.
it was a flash. ever so fleeting. 

reunions of uncertainty and splashes of joy.
there I would return with the road to give me what company it could.

I had been here before.

alone, quiet, not unhappy, just alone.
something I had done for years yet never given much thought.
myself, the only one to walk this path.
understood by little to none.
a secret, considered by some.
i was the in between.
never to be permanent.
a goodbye always lurking beyond each time.

in my discomfort in goodbyes I am fearful I found comfort.
shaped by its familiar visits.
led to believe they were doing the leaving.
when perhaps, perhaps it has been me all along.

sincerely,
B



a thought, hoping to slip by unnoticed as many do.
it was as if comfort was taking up life inside of what has been loathed for so long. 

today was the happiest i've been in a good long while.

-S

"cherish your solitude. take trains by yourself 

to places you have never been. sleep out alone 

under the stars. learn how to drive a stick shift. 

go so far away that you stop being afraid of not 

coming back. say no when you don't want to do 

something. say yes if your instincts are strong, even 

if everyone around you disagrees. decide whether 

you want to be liked or admired. decide if fitting in 

is more important than finding out what you're doing here. 

believe in kissing."

eve ensler

12:34

(. . . tell me that you love me more)

i could see from out of the corner of my eye him watching me walk across the room.
his body followed his eyes as he made his way over just to tell me that he thought my voice was beautiful. that i had a beautiful voice.
i could feel my eyes smile when i looked back at him.
coming from him, it was the best thing i had ever heard.

-S

pur·pose  (pûr-puh-s) n. 1. the object toward which one strives or for which something exists; an aim or a goal. 2. the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc. someone once told me, "when you find what it is God made you for, that is your purpose, and you have to do that thing. that's what your life was made for. that is why you are here."  i haven't been able to forget that since i heard it. and since then i've thought a lot about our purpose here as people, as followers of Christ, and my own place in the midst of it all. something changed in me tonight. everything seemed to all set in and over me. i felt calm and ready to respond to Gods call. i was reminded of what i had been trying to find; my purpose. and i think it found me tonight. -S

i stumbled upon this at the most perfect time. funny how life works that way sometimes right?

-S

turning the page

adaptation. To make suitable to or fit for a specific use or situation.
v.intr. To become adapted:

as humans we are constantly adapting. inwardly and outwardly. either by force or choice, it is necessary and unavoidable. and this is great, don't get me wrong. the product of change is an evolving perspective and expanding opportunity. honest to goodness, i pray i never stop. however, i'm not going to tell you it is easy.

i have always feared saying goodbye and said it all too often. no, i am not having a peyton sawyer "people always leave" moment, but living with two families and having a brother in the military, it had its place. despite its numerous visits, i have yet to shake the heavy gloom that lives inside the core of saying goodbye. maybe no one really does. or maybe i am just extremely sentimental. 

i am in the midst of a season of goodbyes. a season of waterworks. and regardless of how much i kick my feet or how tightly i clench my fists, i must do so. i know the Lords will is greater than anything i could imagine up. and my trust lies in that truth. a farewell is only as hard as the amount in which you let them in your heart. and my goodness i have definitely let them in--cue the moment when i snap my fingers in reluctance.-- 

when i read books, i am endlessly dying to reach the next chapter. i am afraid i have done just that. but, now that it's time to turn the page i struggle to find the strength to begin the next chapter.

how do you walk away from what is home?

Sincerely,
B