"i made a promise such a long time ago that i would take in experiences-- all of them, 

so i could tell the people about them and maybe save them, but it gets so tiring.

i try to take in all the experiences for everybody, letting anyone say anything to me. 

and i realized i'm not different. i want what everyone wants. i want all the things.

i just want to be happy."

-girls, hbo

yet another year's resolve

smile more
talk with strangers, learn about other's stories
live simpler
read the bible more
spend more time outdoors
make better and more intentional eye contact with others
read more books
wear lipstick
relish in the happy
journal
take more pictures
travel & explore
write music
craft more, give others gifts made from my hands
wear high heels
love unconditionally, sincerely, and intentionally
experiment with new hair colors
write more
be daring and bold, with my words and actions
laugh a lot
be a better friend, sister, daughter
remain thirsty for adventure, fueled by courage

-S

one-way tickets & the weight of it all

a small group of my friends and i gathered for dinner one last night all together before one of us left for good. he was quiet, kind, observant, and talented. we sort of adopted him into the group recently and before we knew it, it was time for him to leave. jake is a really talented songwriter and musician and after a few years of living in los angeles trying to make a name for himself, he decided to move to nashville. nashville is a beautiful city, and its the perfect place for a folk musician of his kind. so in honor of his last few days as a californian, a few friends gathered in downtown los angeles last week to celebrate jake and his new future.

yesterday jake cashed in his one way ticket for a new life in nashville, tennessee. and i've always admired him for his bravery, his hard work. he's worked so hard for the life he has always dreamt of, and i've never for a second doubted it'll happen for him. when i see someone go for a dream like he is, i always have this faith that it will happen for them. because if you try your best, put your best foot forward, and work damn hard, well something good always comes from that, right?

that night i stood on the roof of a friends friends apartment, watching the skyline of downtown los angeles while the subtle chill of the wind froze the tip of my nose.  i squinted at the skyline, letting the lights blur in my teary eyes. i filled my lungs with a breath of cold air, closed my eyes and thought, "you can be anywhere you want to right now," and pretended i was somewhere else. "somewhere with a city skyline like this one," i thought... seattle, nyc, maybe even nashville. somewhere big so i could feel small again. so i could dream again. and really, i could be anywhere i want to be right now. and it was then that i got this sense that life is all about the one-way tickets.  the act of rising to the occassion. of deciding, this is it. going for the thing you're convinced will make you so very happy. 

i tried to imagine what it would mean for me to buy a one way ticket and how i had never done that before. i had never left a place with no intention of returning. the idea frightens me and excites me. i wondered if jake had ever worried like this too. if he's doubted himself, if he's been afraid of the magnitude of his dreams. i once heard someone somewhere say, "if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." and i think its true and awful too. it's the people who don't get lost in the fear of a distant dream. the people who feel the weight of it all and take steps, the leaps in the direction of their dreams. 
and the scary part is that i don't know if i'm one of those people. the kind that buys the one-way ticket and say to hell with it, it's time to leap.

...but damn if i don't wish i were.


-S

agape

i don't care much for openers.
i didn't come to see them. i didn't pay for them.

last night i saw daughter at the wiltern and they were so good. 
but this opener was different, and damn if i dismiss another again.

three walked out; one picked up an acoustic guitar, one a banjo, and one walked over to the drums. simple. i wasn't paying attention until maybe 20 seconds into the first song when i found myself completely taken over. mind, soul, heart, completely enthralled and fulfilled from what i was hearing. it hurt it was so so good. it was if i could physically feel the music, the words pouring back into an empty part inside me. i turned to my friend and said, "you gotta know, i think this is best thing ever," because when i feel that, the feeling where you just know that this is the best thing ever, it's so clear and precise it just takes you. 

today i lost a big part of me i knew i had to let go of. and the sucky thing is that it was never going to be an easy decision.  selfless decisions are kind of sucky in that way; they're never the easy ones to make. it was a hard day, but it was something that had to happen because there are greater things in the works for me right now, and i think that's what's making this much easier than if there weren't.  but it's scary. it's scary letting go of something i've built security and comfort in.  it's scary jumping fully into something i'm being called to, no looking back.  i'm scared of what's to come.  i'm afraid of the possibility of a bad outcome, but i think i might be more afraid of the possibility of a good outcome. all i've wanted for so long is clarity of my calling yet i find myself afraid of actually knowing it.  i'm constantly fighting myself, i'm constantly being my own obstacle. 

right now it's hard. and it's okay because it's supposed to be. and i've found comfort in the fact that it will get easier. then it'll be hard again, then it will get better, again. and i anticipate that cycle will repeat for a while. and that's okay.  
it's okay because all of these tears, tears of relief, tears of fear and of change, tears of responsibility, tears of loss, they're good tears. they're good tears of all good things because when i'm doing it, when i'm actually doing what i'm being called to, i get that feeling. the feeling where i just want to turn to someone, hell, anyone who'll listen, and say, "i think this is the best thing ever." because when i feel that, it's so clear and precise it just takes me. it takes me and shakes me into clarity. and i think that really means something....damn if it doesn't mean everything.



"for i'm so scared of losing you/
and i don't know what i can do about it/
so tell me how long love before you go/
and leave me here on my own/
i know it/
i don't wanna know who i am without you/
i don't wanna know who i am without you/"                <--------------- (i guess it's time to see who i am without it)


-agape, bears den 


-S

under the same sun

lessons i've learned under the summer sun:
(in no particular order)

---> i can have messy, day-after-the-beach- hair, minimal-to-no makeup on if i want to. and strangely i've never felt prettier than that simplicity.

---> treat sleep as a suggestion rather than necessity some nights. stay up to see the sunrise. have an adventure while everyone is asleep. a lot of life can and should happen in those dark and beautiful hours.

---> i often find myself reverting back to really wanting him. and in that pursuit i continue to lose myself and what i want. over and over.

---> the art of discernment is a lost art. one i'd like to bring back, one i'd like to practice fiercely.

---> sometimes, every great once in a while, the attraction is so strong it can become the bane of your existence. the not-quite-but-almost existential dilemma you've come to over and again; that lust is just that, a child's game. that wanting and having mean two very different things.

---> swimming in the ocean under the moonlight is far better than any alternative.

---> watching fireworks from the roof of your house with your best friends is the best way to do independence day.

---> one day i'll be strong enough to walk away and not leave a single piece of me with him. and that it's OK if i'm just not there yet. 

---> listening to the thoughts and minds of generations before you should be a required practice.

---> to stop saying, "i hope he likes me" and start saying, "i hope i like him."

---> don't be ashamed of where you're at. you'd be surprised to know that most everyone is right there too.

---> one day i'll be enough for myself and from there, everything will follow suit.

-S

turning the page

adaptation. To make suitable to or fit for a specific use or situation.
v.intr. To become adapted:

as humans we are constantly adapting. inwardly and outwardly. either by force or choice, it is necessary and unavoidable. and this is great, don't get me wrong. the product of change is an evolving perspective and expanding opportunity. honest to goodness, i pray i never stop. however, i'm not going to tell you it is easy.

i have always feared saying goodbye and said it all too often. no, i am not having a peyton sawyer "people always leave" moment, but living with two families and having a brother in the military, it had its place. despite its numerous visits, i have yet to shake the heavy gloom that lives inside the core of saying goodbye. maybe no one really does. or maybe i am just extremely sentimental. 

i am in the midst of a season of goodbyes. a season of waterworks. and regardless of how much i kick my feet or how tightly i clench my fists, i must do so. i know the Lords will is greater than anything i could imagine up. and my trust lies in that truth. a farewell is only as hard as the amount in which you let them in your heart. and my goodness i have definitely let them in--cue the moment when i snap my fingers in reluctance.-- 

when i read books, i am endlessly dying to reach the next chapter. i am afraid i have done just that. but, now that it's time to turn the page i struggle to find the strength to begin the next chapter.

how do you walk away from what is home?

Sincerely,
B

i was sitting at my computer, eyes squinting, when i saw my glasses sitting beside me on my bed. i rolled my eyes at myself. the fact that i would sit and type, squinting my eyes, when the solution was sitting right beside me was me in a nutshell. choosing to go on stubbornly, with a problem that had a solution so clear and obvious is what i do. all the time.

i was told to write a letter.

"write a letter to the person you need to say things to. but don't send it," is what i was told.

apparently you're supposed to write these things you'll never tell someone to make yourself feel better. write down what you want to say, get these thoughts out of your head and onto a piece of paper that will just go in the trash...somehow that's supposed to make everything better. throwing away the words that hold weight and truth. words that you would say to someone if only you had the courage. keeping those words to the confines of a paper thrown away...i just did not understand how that could make anything better.

and as i looked at my glasses beside me, i saw more clearly.  i tend to make the problems in my life seem unsolvable, or keep the problems stuck in my head, letting my thoughts eat away at me. then, in the midst of trying to come up with a solution, i negate my own thoughts by saying things like, "well what if this really meant that?" or "maybe i'm just making it all up in my head".. and because of this, it goes on for much longer than it should. and nothing gets done. nothing gets solved. it just piles on until i either explode, or push the problem or the person away completely.

so i had written this letter with no intention of sending it. but after writing it i realized i needed to say the things i had written down. i couldn't just give these words to someone. they were my words and i didn't want to give them to someone who could keep them forever, should they choose to keep my letter. these words were too important to me to give away, but also too important not to say. because sometimes you have to use your voice...your audible voice. sometimes you just have to muster up the courage to actually speak. to use your own inflections for words or phrases, say things in the way you want them to heard, let someone hear how difficult it is for you to verbalize what you need them to hear. i couldn't let these thoughts sit in my head anymore, and i certainly couldn't let them sit on paper in a trash can. 

so i decided it was time to speak. and that is what i will do.

-S

a cautionary tale

she locked it up at a young age.
for fear of it being mistreated, misused, cut or bruised.
and as time went on and she grew older, the tower that protected it became taller and stronger, brick by brick.
nothing and no one could neither get inside nor tear it down

and inside her tower lived but one single beating heart. her heart.

slowly losing color, losing faith, losing life day by day.

it sat in a small box, boarded up by the locks and chains of insecurity, fear, vulnerability, truth; all the things that made the walls build up to be so tall.

and with the sunrise and night fall of every new day that came to pass, her heart began to gray and grow tough, resembling that of a cold stone.

for that is what her heart became.
in effort to protect it from any harm, she was the one to do the most damage

and it was a shame
a sad, sad shame


-S

scaredy cat

pushing people away & running in the opposite direction.

these things i am way too good at.

-S

"how can someone who wants to be loved, hate it when they're loved at all?"

 -sarah jaffe

one cell in the sea

sometimes i feel as though i am lost in a sea of people

people who don't understand. people who don't know i'm there

i could yell--i could destroy things--and yet all they'd see is the fake smile plastered on my face

if only they looked into my eyes--really looked--they'd know how much this is killing me.

i wish i didn't have to tell people--it makes it too real. too hurtful. 

i wish they just knew.

i feel alone. this pain seems unbearable--intolerable.

i can control my thoughts in the day--when i am conscious of my actions and when i can fuel the void--but in the midst of the night, when the pain in my heart and stomache seem overpowering, i lose control. 

i lose the pride i hold in the day. 

i lose the thought that i can actually move on.

i begin to think i don't want anyone else. i would have been so happy. his hands fit mine so perfectly. his hugs so calming. his voice so warm.

but i have no choice. i don't get a say in this. 

i must move on.

in this sea of people--people who will never understand-- there is hope.

He gives me comfort in the night.

He gives me confidence.

confidence in a new tomorrow. 
confidence that this pain will one day be no more. 

in this sea that is beyond endurance-- that pushes and shoves and cripples-there is a calming voice. 

a sanctuary of safety. 

if i truly long to cease this pain i will surrender to the One who created me.

i will give up this hope and turn to something much greater. 

He is the only way.

the only way.

-KRD

(since it is our 50th blog post we had a very lovely girl write a guest post! thanks krd!)

for fear of the...

it is not the meaning of love, nor is it the fear of love lost
it is the fear of the vast unknown:

i'm afraid of the ocean
anxious by its immensity

the curse of hypocrisy, the trepidation of commitment
ambivalence courses through me like the plague
it might be a disease, an "actual mental illness" 
i swear by it


-S

stubborn love

i was right
i was right
i was right i was right i was right
i was so so right

i don't want to do it but i have to
i have to let go. i have to walk away--because someone has to and that is why i was right
and as much as the notion usually brings me much pleasure, i wish i was not right about this.one.thing.
i was right and i wish i was not
i wish i was not

i wish you were not you and i was not me when we are together--because this would be much easier.
but it never is, is it? the things you wish could be easy
is walking away right because things shouldn't be this complicated?
is fighting for something right because it means something?
is it cowardly to walk away or strong to move on?
the only thing i see as simple is that i simply do not know

i was right and i wish i was not.
i wish it didn't have to be this way, but it does.
i wish i knew what i wanted, but i don't.
i wish we were not us, but we are---which is why you won't hear from me anymore.
and i wish i could tell you this, but i will not--because after all, you never told me. 
you never said anything. 
you had so many chances, but you never took one and that makes me sad.

and as much as i wish i wasn't, i was right.
i was right.

-S

"between men and women there is no friendship possible.

there is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

-oscar wilde

fictional loss

theres a certain kind of sadness.  

this is the gentle kind. 

seeing bold footprints of joy, but is aching.

an ache for the present. 

for deeper, always more.

for fear of loss.

ache to curl up and live in the present just a little bit longer.

it reaches the corner of my heart that feeds off of nostalgia. 

when gladness overflows, comes the sweeping sadness. 

a fear, or rather anxious heart that it all could be taken in an instant. 

perhaps a lack of faith.

the gravity of it is slowly being revealed to me. 

the weight of its occurance is crippling.

not everyone plans to leave.

today, the blessings are abundant.

sincerely,

B

this time

i feel it

it’s creeping back.. i can feel it.

that dismay and insecurity--the slow and steady loss of control

the blatant whispers that tell you to not go there--because you’ve been burned before. badly.

and the wounds of the burn ache as a reminder that they were once there.

i can’t let myself forget.

i feel the fear crawling back

stop. don’t. don’t get attached this time. don’t be stupid.

don’t be stupid.

don’t be stupid.

not this time.

-S

pieces not peace

 *written circa 2011*

--to you--

all the things i’ve thought but will never say

all the things i thought then and now, about you, about me

the truth--my truth

by now, the seasons have changed a few times over

faces you never thought would, faded

like yours

but even so, my eyes haven’t once wept

and then there’s you

you, who knows every.inch.of.me

well now I guess ‘knew’would make more sense

if there is any way to make sense of it at all

you know, i wanted to go there, then

i think

i know i wanted to want to go there, with you

i thought and thought and thought until my mind ached for solutions i wouldn’t ever find

for feelings i wasn’t ever sure about

but i was sure i wanted to be sure--about you--about me--about all of it

and i wasn’t

if that makes sense

if there is any way to make sense of any of this at all

i’m no longer shaky like i used to be

tied up in uncomplacent knots, thinking of what i’ll say the next time i see you

remembering and replaying what i wish i had said the last time i saw you

wondering if there is anything worth saying now at all

it’s harder for me to breathe now though

--so there’s the tradeoff i suppose--

it’s like i’m only allowed short breaths, the tight-chest-but-slow-heartbeat/hot-tears-in-your-eyes kind of breaths

the kind that never quite satisfies you, like you can’t seem to find enough air

and there’s never enough air because i can’t breathe deeply anymore with this hole in my heart.

the hole that used to be where you always were

and even though i’m full aware the heart is pumping blood and not storing emotions like we’ve been fooled to believe--that area where my heart lies in my chest--it aches at the thought of your absence

a space i never knew was there until it was empty

until you were gone

i feel suffocated knowing that i don't have all of myself anymore

that you still have that piece of me with you

even now, when it has been so long

i’m mad at you for that

i’m mad at me for that

is it ever hard for you to breathe?

was it ever hard for you at all?

did i have a piece of you too?

these questions i've wondered, and fear i always will

and still every time i walk away from you, it's as if i stayed

as if i had never left

there’s a piece of me where it shouldn't be

just pieces -- and no peace


sincerely,

S