words and their keepers

he carried the words "i'm sorry" gravely upon his shoulders
a burden so heavy. like the chains of a guilty prisoner.

as the words released from his tongue he was at once renewed.
the dimmed light in his eyes had lifted.
changed colors, changed direction.
shifting focus from her to another.

freed from the words and weight they carried, he went on and they found a home upon the shoulders of a girl.
the girl whom validated the weight of those words, whose ears ached for the apology.
a girl who had never learned to let go of any of the words he had ever spoken to her.
and now as he carries on, she carries them on her shoulders.
a burden not meant to be carried, not by her or by anyone.

he would leave his words on her,
because he was man who never kept his word.
so she became a girl who tried to keep them for him.
she became a girl who no longer believed in words and the weight of them.

so the "i'm sorry" and the "i love you" and the "i miss you" became just words that became her.
it was her cross to bear. it was all she had left of him.
because he was a man who never kept his word.


-S

“and that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say, they think everyone else does too.” Khaled Hosseini 

"that I will love you more than he ever will"

for the moments i feel faint

some nights i hug a pillow so i can fall asleep.
sometimes, just for a moment, i feel the pillow holding me back.

i forget often how i am rarely ever touched by someone with affection, affirmation, protection.
and i'm reminded of that; usually when i'm needing it most, in the times i find myself quietly and anxiously searching for a pillow to squeeze.

every night i listen to the same song while i'm lying in bed,
only loud enough for me to hear.
the repetition comforts me

like the swelling of the oceans waves, lulling back and forth with no end. 

there is a blessed assurance in knowing it will always come back.

i listen to it every night. it's like my secret song.
it holds memories and thoughts, honesty and tears of the nights prior and of the nights to come

sometimes i think getting through the winter is the toughest feat, as beautiful she is.
realizing the lonely; clothing your bones in the warmth you've created for yourself and braving the cold.
this battle is heavy laden and not for the faint of heart


-S


link to the song i mentioned: the light -- the album leaf

one-way tickets & the weight of it all

a small group of my friends and i gathered for dinner one last night all together before one of us left for good. he was quiet, kind, observant, and talented. we sort of adopted him into the group recently and before we knew it, it was time for him to leave. jake is a really talented songwriter and musician and after a few years of living in los angeles trying to make a name for himself, he decided to move to nashville. nashville is a beautiful city, and its the perfect place for a folk musician of his kind. so in honor of his last few days as a californian, a few friends gathered in downtown los angeles last week to celebrate jake and his new future.

yesterday jake cashed in his one way ticket for a new life in nashville, tennessee. and i've always admired him for his bravery, his hard work. he's worked so hard for the life he has always dreamt of, and i've never for a second doubted it'll happen for him. when i see someone go for a dream like he is, i always have this faith that it will happen for them. because if you try your best, put your best foot forward, and work damn hard, well something good always comes from that, right?

that night i stood on the roof of a friends friends apartment, watching the skyline of downtown los angeles while the subtle chill of the wind froze the tip of my nose.  i squinted at the skyline, letting the lights blur in my teary eyes. i filled my lungs with a breath of cold air, closed my eyes and thought, "you can be anywhere you want to right now," and pretended i was somewhere else. "somewhere with a city skyline like this one," i thought... seattle, nyc, maybe even nashville. somewhere big so i could feel small again. so i could dream again. and really, i could be anywhere i want to be right now. and it was then that i got this sense that life is all about the one-way tickets.  the act of rising to the occassion. of deciding, this is it. going for the thing you're convinced will make you so very happy. 

i tried to imagine what it would mean for me to buy a one way ticket and how i had never done that before. i had never left a place with no intention of returning. the idea frightens me and excites me. i wondered if jake had ever worried like this too. if he's doubted himself, if he's been afraid of the magnitude of his dreams. i once heard someone somewhere say, "if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." and i think its true and awful too. it's the people who don't get lost in the fear of a distant dream. the people who feel the weight of it all and take steps, the leaps in the direction of their dreams. 
and the scary part is that i don't know if i'm one of those people. the kind that buys the one-way ticket and say to hell with it, it's time to leap.

...but damn if i don't wish i were.


-S

new breath

the moments of clarity were once the breath of fresh air amidst the fog. the darkness sneaky and so fickle, filled with unloving words, often showed its face.

but recently you see, in moments far and few between when the darkness creeps in. when the words unworthy and the desire to be who i am not find their way back it serves as a reminder. a reminder of the One who came to my rescue, called me beautiful and gave me an identity. reminded that i must choose to believe Him. and for once. for once the darkness is the breath of fresh air. 

sincerely,

B

"there is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. on such a full sea are we now afloat. and we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures."

-william shakespeare

this october

three pictures from three favorite things that happened this october:

1. tanaka pumpkin patch
2. hillsong conference 2013
3. downtown los angeles river bed

-S

dirty laundry

i met with my mentor yesterday for a few hours over iced tea, which was ironically, or maybe not ironically, called "happiness".
we talked about things i've talked a lot about before; friendships, relationships, figuring out who you are, etc., but never have i understood these things we talked about in this way. she gets what it's like to be me, because now as a married 30-something who used to be a single 20-something like me, she gets its. she gets the heartache of being single. the confusion in self worth. she gets it, she was there once too.
she explained things in a way where i realized i had always felt them too, but i never knew how to explain it, or really never knew where the feelings were coming from:

the feeling i would get after talking to a boy that was just a friend. a really close friend. it has always been so natural for me to go deep in discussion, to want to fix things, to help people with their problems, and in turn also tell them mine. i would tell them everything. secrets and desires spilled out, continuously uprooting myself for them.
and the next day i would wake up exhausted and empty and gross.
i would become so invested in this person, whoever it was at the time, and them in me and the next day i would just feel gross...like an emotional hangover. i never knew that feeling of exhaustion would later turn into regret. regret that i gave too much the night before. too much of my mind, too much of my heart, too much of me.

after tea with her yesterday, i went home and took a shower and still i felt dirty. i let the water fall over me and around me, as i tried and tried to scrub this feeling off my body. i felt not my own. i feel not my own. like there are parts of me scattered all over town, hiding in the hearts of men who didn't want me, but acted like they needed me... oh the danger in feeling needed... pieces of me i couldn't get back even if i tried.
i feel like everybody elses' but mine. and the worst part was that no one took it from me, i gave it away. i gave in to the lie that i was special, that i was his "favorite girl". whoever he was at the time, i always believed it. i found immense comfort and complacent worth in being someones "favorite girl." i always believed them, so i willingly gave myself away.
i feel dirty and used and exhausted. like dirty laundry; worn and dirtied and thrown, no longer useful and in desperate need of washing.

i'm exhausted from being the stand-in.

the girl always used for my mind, my time, my energy, my words, my strength.
wrung out and left to dry over and again by the men in my life who have left after having found the girl to replace the stand-in with. a girl who gave everything i had to give, but the difference was that they wanted to kiss this girl as well.

so right now i feel dirty and empty and exhausted and used. and i think that's a really okay place to be in; totally empty with nothing left to give, and in turn fully reliant on the holy spirit of god to fill me back up with His grace and redeeming love. 

"trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. -psalm 62:8

....pour my heart out to Him, for God is my refuge"


-S

"Of course I'll hurt you. Of course you'll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence." -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

...accepting the risk.

in the absence of contentment

i think i decided not to date anyone until 2014.
i realize it'll be hard fending off all of my suitors, especially since the offers are just non-stop (<----hint hint, sarcasm)
all-the-more, that doesn't matter. just because i'm already not dating doesn't mean that i'm not wanting to be dating someone. which isn't a bad thing, i don't think. i think it's healthy and normal to want to date. it's when you start to dislike yourself in the process of wondering why you aren't being asked out, i think that's a bad place to be in. and that's where i find myself right now. and i'm not okay with that. i'm not content with being discontent. i need to be okay with me and with being alone.

so i'm saying no to dating. i'm taking a break from being open. because being open gets exhausting. we'll see how this experiment goes.


-S

agape

i don't care much for openers.
i didn't come to see them. i didn't pay for them.

last night i saw daughter at the wiltern and they were so good. 
but this opener was different, and damn if i dismiss another again.

three walked out; one picked up an acoustic guitar, one a banjo, and one walked over to the drums. simple. i wasn't paying attention until maybe 20 seconds into the first song when i found myself completely taken over. mind, soul, heart, completely enthralled and fulfilled from what i was hearing. it hurt it was so so good. it was if i could physically feel the music, the words pouring back into an empty part inside me. i turned to my friend and said, "you gotta know, i think this is best thing ever," because when i feel that, the feeling where you just know that this is the best thing ever, it's so clear and precise it just takes you. 

today i lost a big part of me i knew i had to let go of. and the sucky thing is that it was never going to be an easy decision.  selfless decisions are kind of sucky in that way; they're never the easy ones to make. it was a hard day, but it was something that had to happen because there are greater things in the works for me right now, and i think that's what's making this much easier than if there weren't.  but it's scary. it's scary letting go of something i've built security and comfort in.  it's scary jumping fully into something i'm being called to, no looking back.  i'm scared of what's to come.  i'm afraid of the possibility of a bad outcome, but i think i might be more afraid of the possibility of a good outcome. all i've wanted for so long is clarity of my calling yet i find myself afraid of actually knowing it.  i'm constantly fighting myself, i'm constantly being my own obstacle. 

right now it's hard. and it's okay because it's supposed to be. and i've found comfort in the fact that it will get easier. then it'll be hard again, then it will get better, again. and i anticipate that cycle will repeat for a while. and that's okay.  
it's okay because all of these tears, tears of relief, tears of fear and of change, tears of responsibility, tears of loss, they're good tears. they're good tears of all good things because when i'm doing it, when i'm actually doing what i'm being called to, i get that feeling. the feeling where i just want to turn to someone, hell, anyone who'll listen, and say, "i think this is the best thing ever." because when i feel that, it's so clear and precise it just takes me. it takes me and shakes me into clarity. and i think that really means something....damn if it doesn't mean everything.



"for i'm so scared of losing you/
and i don't know what i can do about it/
so tell me how long love before you go/
and leave me here on my own/
i know it/
i don't wanna know who i am without you/
i don't wanna know who i am without you/"                <--------------- (i guess it's time to see who i am without it)


-agape, bears den 


-S

"depth over distance was all i asked of you.." 

-ben howard

my mind is keeping a close watch on relationships (friendships). found in the dictionary under peculiar and trivial. observing interactions and relationships intrigues me in every way. i am beginning to question, wonder, anazlyze, judge (unfortunately), compare, accept, admire, and doubt. sometimes for the better and, when negativity steps in, for the worse. 
but as the clouds eventually pass and the sun does again shine, one comes along who reminds you of authenticity and the goodness you, too reflect. grateful for the ability to experience genuine conversation. for the sweet gift of connection and that blessed moment of "i'm not the only one" true friendship is a wonderful, rare find.

-B

two thumbs down

writing and i are in a bit of a debacle right now.
i have so much to share but i'm struggling to create and it's frustrating.

hopefully this will clear the bad omen i'm currently under.

-S

//
i shouted out for you. 
shouted in that direction, but silence followed me home. 
followed what i thought was your shadow, only to find the sunset and myself to roam. 
i heard you at the ocean, when i arrived all i heard was the whisper of the tide.
i thought i'd found you when, their lofty words momentarily filled me inside.
you were my light in darkness until like a trick you disappeared so quick
chasing you has haunted me, approval, it is time you let me be. 
//

reflecting on where my heart has wandered. there is vast vulnerability in brokenness. but oh joyful, joyful day when my mind is transformed and i am free from the chains of distorted self image.
i crave wholeness. with nothing to offer and everything to gain, i'm asking God to change my heart.



"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galations 1:10


Sincerely,
B

tuesday tidbits

B //

something new:

i've begun crafting. i'm enjoying learning and stretching myself as i tap into my creative side. +plus it inspires me to make things for my loved ones to enjoy. also, i am newly "training" (in some sense of the word) for a cycling race for diabetes. it's always been a desire of mine to be a part of a marathon or race for something bigger than myself. welp, here goes nothin.

something inspiring:

these two young men decided to leave their life behind and pursue adventure and regain the sense of astonishment found in youth. they are biking from oregon to patagonia in search of stories to hear and tell. i am so inspired by their willingness to leave behind comfort in an effort to allow the world to really amaze them, like when we were all young. the ideals of this culture can be so narrow minded and often make us forget that the desires in our hearts can be pursued and lived out. i will be following their journey for the next year, you should too... oregontopatagonia.com

something disturbing: 

as of late, i have subconsciously attempted to embrace every last california summer perk. today proved no different as i just about ate an entire watermelon! i would not be surprised if there was a watermelon growing in my stomach as i type. my blood sugar level is probably through the roof, and family is undoubtedly wondering where the unsliced watermelon went. so cheers to sweet summer fruit and belly aches.

something i'm listening to:

i've been really into late 70's mechanical rock & roll lately. currently listening to The Cars and early David Bowie. i really dig the feel-good, American feel it brings me. you can find me grooving to this in the car. (see what i did there?!...k, cool)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


S //

something new:
i'm moving out! finally! come october i'll be out on my semi-own, so right now, in between school, work, homework, internship, and breathing, i'm looking for furniture to paint, crafts to make, and packing up!

something inspiring:
this quote from my english class book--

"I saw in their eyes something I was to see over & over in every part of the nation---a burning desire to go, to move, to get under way, anyplace, away from Here."

-John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley, 1962

something disturbing:
i don't remember the last time i took a nap! this is not normal by any means. naps are sacred and i've always treated them as such but i've been so busy i haven't had time for a nice, satisfying nap. i find this very disturbing.

something i'm listening to:
glorious ruins, hillsong live. all day, all week, for two weeks now. i fall in love with one song and then the next and so on. i'm just now beginning to grasp the album in it's entirety, and boy is it a good one.

here's to twenty

right now i'm subconsciously counting down the hours til i'm no longer a teenager.
right now i hate that i have to do school for two more years.
right now i wish i knew more about my Creator.
right now i wish people didn't see me for the choices & mistakes i've made.
right now i'm proud of the person i've been growing into despite those choices.
right now i'm excited to start my internship.
right now my future looks vague and i'd rather let that excite me than worry me. 
right now i'm lucky to have better friends than anyone could ever dream up.
right now i think birthdays are a very funny thing we celebrate. (nineteen years of birthdays and i'm still getting the hang of it).
right now i wish i had more time before tomorrow comes.

i write this here because i want to remember where i was right before my birthday. because i want to see how much has changed in the course of the year so i can tangibly look back and appreciate the growth. 
i kept secret that i enjoyed being the last to turn twenty, that i enjoy being the youngest of my friends.
i held it close as sort of my rite of passage for a lot of things.
i had more time to "catch up" so to speak. more time to get some life experiences under my belt.
i had less expectations placed on me. from myself and from others.
there's a certain freedom that comes with being the youngest. a freedom that i cling to when i'm the last to turn one year older.
and as fun and special it is to celebrate your birthday it often feels like a reminder of what you haven't done in all these years of your life. 

this year i'm going to celebrate all the things i have done and all the things i have been blessed to experience. i'm going to celebrate nineteen years of growing and learning and evolving into the person i'm becoming. i'm going to celebrate the whole nineteen years, the entire picture of what's made me me. i'm going to celebrate and appreciate and love the person i am because one day of the year should be just.for.that.
so here's to twenty. be good to me.

-S

ambivalent happiness

some days choosing to be happy is exactly that: a choice.
it's a choice you have to make over and over again. every hour. every minute. every thought.
sometimes the choice becomes natural in the matter of a few hours-- a day tops.
and sometimes it takes a week. or two-- if you happen to be stuck in one of those times where the dirt you dig out never seems to clear.

some days you know it's a choice you're not going to make. instead you end up listening to nirvana really loud in your car. and that's okay. i think everyone's entitled to those days.

i could choose the latter. it would be easier. 
but i'm afraid the dirt will become quicksand.

-S

jeremiah 29:11

i’m reminded sometimes, whether it's as subtle as a little nudge on the shoulder; or as obvious as a slap in the face, i’m reminded that God has a plan. and sometimes it takes these little reminders that are felt and experienced so clearly, because over time saying, “it’ll work out, God has a plan,” becomes so monotonous. because He does have a plan. we know that. as followers we know that, as students of His word, we know that. so sometimes the phrase, “don’t worry God has a plan” are just words used as a comfort without the conviction. as refuge or a quick fix. as a way to silence and calm someone down. and when we so often use it this way, the significance becomes lost on us.

but do we really believe the things we are saying to be true? do we really believe He has a plan? do we honestly know, deep down in our core being, that God has it all under control? that He knows what He’s doing? when we say, “God has a plan,” are we just saying the words, subconsciously thinking, “well i’ve got one too, just in case His plan doesn’t work out… just in case i don’t really like His plan.”

i’m guilty of this. i admit that i am totally and completely guilty of this. and while i may be one of few that will admit my guilt, i know i am not the only one.  i think everyone struggles with letting go of control over our lives. as people, it’s in our innate nature to be protective over ourselves and over our dreams, aspirations, and even daily lives. we want to rule ourselves. we appoint ourselves our own God. it happens by nature, not because we truly desire to live this way.

i desire to have a life that serves and glorifies Jesus, a life that surrenders all earthly desires in order to give Him full control. but it’s not easy. i desire that life, but the struggle of implementation is what makes me human. and it’s designed that way. if it were easy, we wouldn’t need to rely on Him in times of doubt and strife.

i’ve been abnormally lucky lately. and i use the term lucky loosely and in the sense that i’ve been blessed in terms of the experiences i’ve had as of late. not that i’m not continuously blessed, because i totally am, but i think I’ve just become much more aware of the things i feel He’s been trying to reveal to me.

yesterday at work my dad texted me asking if i could do him a favor.  i read his text and my mind automatically began to think of an excuse i could use.  hesitantly i asked him what it was he needed me to do, and he told me he needed me to pick up my aunt after work, about 15 minutes in the opposite direction of home, in the middle of traffic. all i wanted to do was go home as soon as possible after an 8 hour day. it took me a couple of hours to respond and although he said it wasn’t a problem if i didn’t pick her up, i just felt like i should, as much as i really didn’t want to.so in the heart of traffic, i made my way over to get her.

now my aunt doesn’t speak much english, and having lived in a different country than her, i really don’t know her well. that being said, i was anticipating a long and uncomfortably quiet ride home.

it wasn’t so bad at first. she knew more english than i had given her credit, enough to make nice small talk. about half way home she remembered that i had been gone for the last two weeks in Ukraine. she asked me how my trip was, what we did there, how was the food, the weather, etc. i explained to her in very little detail, since much went over her head. in response to her question regarding our teams purpose for the trip i replied saying, “we taught english to students at camp. that’s why we went.” after i said that, in the back of my mind i heard, “that’s not why you went! why don’t you tell her the truth? this is your perfect opportunity to share the TRUTH.”  

after a minute of silence i said, “well we did go there to teach english, but we were really there to teach them about Jesus and about the bible. we had camp for the students to learn about Jesus. that’s why we went.” and with that statement i found the courage to carry on with the opportunity to share the gospel.

  

she was a curious one. we discussed and compared religions, and about how only one can be the truth. she asked me about how i came to choose christianity in a family that doesn’t practice religion at all. she talked to me about how she has been searching for a long time for a religion that seemed right and that she’s curious about christianity. and it all just flowed. i felt like i was completely directed with the right words to say. i think i was smiling during the entire conversation because i couldn’t help but be in awe that i was talking to my aunt about Jesus. and not to mention, my aunt and my dad come from a strict muslim family. for so long i have been discouraged by the fact that i had no idea how to share the good news with my dads’ side of the family, and here i was offering to get my aunt a bible.

she’s coming to church on sunday too. and im so excited.

i also just found out that her sister has been going to a church for a while now and wants to become a Christian. and i don’t even know how to handle that news. i get tears in my eyes thinking about it.

God answers prayers.

and i say that with absolute conviction and celebration.. because if there was a prayer i truly never believed would be answered, it was this one.

God answers prayers.

and it’s all in His timing. in His plan.

i’m older now. more mature, more firm in my faith and foundation. more equipped and prepared. ready and eager to share the truth of who He is. when you open your eyes and hearts to what God has laid out for you, He’ll offer a glimpse into that plan. an inside look, a quick peek into what He’s brewing.

His plan is good and perfect, and it's all for us. 

"'for I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" -jeremiah 29:11

-S

to kolomyya

i've missed kolomyya since the second we left.
the first step onto the train.
the moment we took our eyes off the people we came to love so quickly.
i haven't been able to stop missing it all.

everywhere i look i think i've seen the face of someone i probably won't ever see again.
every familiar voice i hear belongs to someone i once knew, when really it's just the person around the corner.
but it's not them. as much i want to believe it is, as much as i would give anything for it to be, it's not.
they're there and i'm here. all the way across the world.

it's just the way it has to be.

somehow, it only took a week.
one short week and i could call these people family, i could call this place home.
bound by nothing but the Holy Spirit and the power, hope, and promise of the cross, connecting people to each other supernaturally and irrevocably.
but this isn't how we work. to become so close to people only to have to say goodbye forever--it's not what we're made for. 

not what our psyche as humans are capable to handle.
it's too unnatural. too hard. 

but it happened and we must go on with the mission we've been created for.

still, kolomyya will reside as a soft ache in my heart.
not an ache for something broken, but rather for something that is so whole and holy it can only be explained as good.

good in the context of how the dictionary defines the word. not the i-just-have-poor-vocabulary use of it. our modern language has really dimmed the richness of this word.

good (n). - that which is morally right. righteous.

i can't find a better way to describe this ache. it hurts so good. because boy, it was so good. it was all so good.

it's an ache that serves as a reminder that love is powerful. that love and prayer should overflow in and out of us. it should consume us.

and of course, there's the tinge of inevitable sadness. 

sadness that i won't get to hug them anymore. that i won't get to hold hands in prayer again.
but just as i ache with that pain, i gladly accept it. because with the pain comes this ache of goodness, as proof of the righteousness we've been incredibly blessed to have experienced.

i wouldn't trade that up for anything.

and finally, it's an ache that's sole purpose is to remind me that it all meant something. that everything, every second was worth it.

that God moves mountains.

that God changes hearts.

that He is the sovereign, almighty God. 

and that is the God i live to serve. 
-S

under the same sun

lessons i've learned under the summer sun:
(in no particular order)

---> i can have messy, day-after-the-beach- hair, minimal-to-no makeup on if i want to. and strangely i've never felt prettier than that simplicity.

---> treat sleep as a suggestion rather than necessity some nights. stay up to see the sunrise. have an adventure while everyone is asleep. a lot of life can and should happen in those dark and beautiful hours.

---> i often find myself reverting back to really wanting him. and in that pursuit i continue to lose myself and what i want. over and over.

---> the art of discernment is a lost art. one i'd like to bring back, one i'd like to practice fiercely.

---> sometimes, every great once in a while, the attraction is so strong it can become the bane of your existence. the not-quite-but-almost existential dilemma you've come to over and again; that lust is just that, a child's game. that wanting and having mean two very different things.

---> swimming in the ocean under the moonlight is far better than any alternative.

---> watching fireworks from the roof of your house with your best friends is the best way to do independence day.

---> one day i'll be strong enough to walk away and not leave a single piece of me with him. and that it's OK if i'm just not there yet. 

---> listening to the thoughts and minds of generations before you should be a required practice.

---> to stop saying, "i hope he likes me" and start saying, "i hope i like him."

---> don't be ashamed of where you're at. you'd be surprised to know that most everyone is right there too.

---> one day i'll be enough for myself and from there, everything will follow suit.

-S