i was sitting at my computer, eyes squinting, when i saw my glasses sitting beside me on my bed. i rolled my eyes at myself. the fact that i would sit and type, squinting my eyes, when the solution was sitting right beside me was me in a nutshell. choosing to go on stubbornly, with a problem that had a solution so clear and obvious is what i do. all the time.
i was told to write a letter.
"write a letter to the person you need to say things to. but don't send it," is what i was told.
apparently you're supposed to write these things you'll never tell someone to make yourself feel better. write down what you want to say, get these thoughts out of your head and onto a piece of paper that will just go in the trash...somehow that's supposed to make everything better. throwing away the words that hold weight and truth. words that you would say to someone if only you had the courage. keeping those words to the confines of a paper thrown away...i just did not understand how that could make anything better.
and as i looked at my glasses beside me, i saw more clearly. i tend to make the problems in my life seem unsolvable, or keep the problems stuck in my head, letting my thoughts eat away at me. then, in the midst of trying to come up with a solution, i negate my own thoughts by saying things like, "well what if this really meant that?" or "maybe i'm just making it all up in my head".. and because of this, it goes on for much longer than it should. and nothing gets done. nothing gets solved. it just piles on until i either explode, or push the problem or the person away completely.
so i had written this letter with no intention of sending it. but after writing it i realized i needed to say the things i had written down. i couldn't just give these words to someone. they were my words and i didn't want to give them to someone who could keep them forever, should they choose to keep my letter. these words were too important to me to give away, but also too important not to say. because sometimes you have to use your voice...your audible voice. sometimes you just have to muster up the courage to actually speak. to use your own inflections for words or phrases, say things in the way you want them to heard, let someone hear how difficult it is for you to verbalize what you need them to hear. i couldn't let these thoughts sit in my head anymore, and i certainly couldn't let them sit on paper in a trash can.
so i decided it was time to speak. and that is what i will do.
-S
