yet another year's resolve

smile more
talk with strangers, learn about other's stories
live simpler
read the bible more
spend more time outdoors
make better and more intentional eye contact with others
read more books
wear lipstick
relish in the happy
journal
take more pictures
travel & explore
write music
craft more, give others gifts made from my hands
wear high heels
love unconditionally, sincerely, and intentionally
experiment with new hair colors
write more
be daring and bold, with my words and actions
laugh a lot
be a better friend, sister, daughter
remain thirsty for adventure, fueled by courage

-S

to kolomyya

i've missed kolomyya since the second we left.
the first step onto the train.
the moment we took our eyes off the people we came to love so quickly.
i haven't been able to stop missing it all.

everywhere i look i think i've seen the face of someone i probably won't ever see again.
every familiar voice i hear belongs to someone i once knew, when really it's just the person around the corner.
but it's not them. as much i want to believe it is, as much as i would give anything for it to be, it's not.
they're there and i'm here. all the way across the world.

it's just the way it has to be.

somehow, it only took a week.
one short week and i could call these people family, i could call this place home.
bound by nothing but the Holy Spirit and the power, hope, and promise of the cross, connecting people to each other supernaturally and irrevocably.
but this isn't how we work. to become so close to people only to have to say goodbye forever--it's not what we're made for. 

not what our psyche as humans are capable to handle.
it's too unnatural. too hard. 

but it happened and we must go on with the mission we've been created for.

still, kolomyya will reside as a soft ache in my heart.
not an ache for something broken, but rather for something that is so whole and holy it can only be explained as good.

good in the context of how the dictionary defines the word. not the i-just-have-poor-vocabulary use of it. our modern language has really dimmed the richness of this word.

good (n). - that which is morally right. righteous.

i can't find a better way to describe this ache. it hurts so good. because boy, it was so good. it was all so good.

it's an ache that serves as a reminder that love is powerful. that love and prayer should overflow in and out of us. it should consume us.

and of course, there's the tinge of inevitable sadness. 

sadness that i won't get to hug them anymore. that i won't get to hold hands in prayer again.
but just as i ache with that pain, i gladly accept it. because with the pain comes this ache of goodness, as proof of the righteousness we've been incredibly blessed to have experienced.

i wouldn't trade that up for anything.

and finally, it's an ache that's sole purpose is to remind me that it all meant something. that everything, every second was worth it.

that God moves mountains.

that God changes hearts.

that He is the sovereign, almighty God. 

and that is the God i live to serve. 
-S

as of late

my posts on this little blog have been far and few between as of late. i have been rather busy, between the end of the semester, work, traveling --okay, okay...maybe it is an issue of making time, as inclined as i am to admit. 

in light of that, here are a few photographs of life lately. seen through my quaint iphone lens, of course.

1. S and i enjoying Umami on my birthday. 

2. a favorite coffee shop in Seattle.

3. friends at stumptown coffee roasters.

4. a bbq on a lovely spring evening with family, ladies and...boys.

4. string lights and games

5. my favorite gals //  favorite city

6. gypsy lunch after a busy week

Sincerely, 

B

a weekend in the city

here are a few photos i took on my iPhone from my much-too-brief weekend in NYC.

goodness, that place is magical.

1. flying at sunset

2. twilight in times square

3. buvette--the sweetest parisian cafe

(recommended by the lovely megfee)

4. a killer latte & current read

5. obsessed with the gorgeous sunlight on this street

6. hillsong nyc--what an incredible service

7. record store day in west village

8. central park never looked so beautiful

9. nothing is worse than driving away from that view

10. boarding for the long flight

11. waiting at the gate

i don't know quite how, but a city like NYC just does something to you.  i think that's why i love it so much; because you can't exactly put your finger on why it's as incredible as it is--unexplained mystery i suppose.

i do know that being somewhere so grand just puts things into perspective. it shows us how much we sweat and make big the little things in our lives; but also how much potential we have, and how many possibilities are out there for us to take a risk on.

i talk about being alone and how i desire more time to live on my own, but up until this weekend, i'm not really sure i ever understood what that meant. being alone refines you, strengthens you, both mentally and emotionally.

even if just for a few hours.  it's nice not having to talk--i feel like everyone is talking to fill the silence, talking about things that serve no purpose in our growth as people and our relationships, talking about things that won't change--it gets tiring.

this weekend i spent hours and hours of time without talking to a single person. but without words, i still had this involuntary dialogue that happens within your own mind where your thoughts are free flowing, creativity sparking, your opinions solidifying. i need to spend more time just listening, to myself, to God, to things and people around me.

just be silent. see what happens. see what you can hear.
see what your mind has been trying to tell you.

-S

nyc and me

"i was in love with New York. i do not mean 'love' in any colloquial way, i mean that i was in love with the city, the way you love the first person who ever touches you and never love anyone quite that way again."

-joan didion

about less than twenty four hours before my flight, my parents were about to cancel--being that i literally had no where to sleep once i got off the plane.
and twenty four hours before that, this trip hadn't yet existed.

i let go and stopped fighting when they decided to cancel--and in that exact moment of surrender, my sister told me i'd have room to stay with her in manhattan.

i packed and was on my way hours later. the first plane was easy, just a quick hop to san francisco.
of course we couldn't get off the plane for another half hour after landing, right about the same time my next flight would be boarding. sheesh. talk about no control at all.
i got out and walked with great intent (because power walking doesn't sound cute) to the next gate and thank goodness my flight was slightly delayed. an act of God, i swear by it.

this next flight, i sat by a lady who looked disgusted by everything and everyone, including me.. and boy was it difficult to relax *just a little* for the five hours of flying. thanks crying baby and stomach-dropping turbulence and lady whom i will try with great restraint to not call a certain derogatory name. thank you.

the difficulty didn't stop there.
since the flight was delayed, i got to the terminal at about twelve thirty am, which would mean i missed my shuttle by about an hour. and of course no one was at the airport to help me figure out how to get out of there. i can do this, i thought. i don't need help. and i didn't. 

i saw a couple together at the airport, and i thought, must be nice to be taken care of like that, by a man who wants to protect you.
but i didn't need it. i felt strong.
i did everything today alone. a whole lot of traveling alone and i felt capable and confident--like i could take care of myself. like i didn't need anyone.
i had myself and that was enough. and that felt good.

i got picked up at around two thirty am from the airport--that's life, waiting two hours in the depth of the ungodly hours-- that's adventure. you gotta roll with the punches. 
almost there. almost there.
as i sat in the car, tall buildings passing by, i felt at home again.
a small, cheesy smile spread across my face: i was in New York City.

i arrived at three am, finally at my sisters apartment, carry on in one hand, coat in the other, and under eye circles that gave my traveling-all-day-doesn't-make-me-tired-at-all facade away.
and the best part of it all was that i felt like i got to see something no one really does...
i got to see "the city that never sleeps" in a silent slumber; and as tired as i was, i felt luckier than anyone asleep or awake at three am.
i was home in NYC

in that moment nothing else mattered

-S

maybe...

maybe i've been pretending to not like spring all along, when in fact its become my favorite through its arrival. (apart from autumn)

maybe everything tastes better out of a mason jar. 

maybe i have been feeling real uninspired lately, while that is by no means an excuse-inspiration must find you working.

maybe i'm tired of being cautious.

maybe i often am unsure. but i do care.
maybe tea time is the best time. (aside from sunset hour)

maybe giving up treats for lent was a good effort. but a lost cause.

maybe i'm slightly obsessed with the beautiful outdoors.

maybe i just cant wait to travel 'til i'm older. theres no time like now.

maybe i (deeply) want to fall in love with my creator.

maybe my favorite past time is long drawn out talks with the best of friends about life &  everything in between.

maybe i dont want to decide whether to follow my head or my heart.

maybe i'm craving a good ol' camping session. OH WAIT. : )

maybe i love quilts almost as much as my love for old folks

maybe the blessing is too often overlooked. 

maybe i'm craving something deeper.

maybe this all really isnt about me or you, as we've been fooled to believe. 

sincerely, 

a curious one, B