where i find you

i don’t recognize myself

tinted green of jealousy and physical ailment from my selfishness and inability to simply be happy for others
self-loathing so strong my body aches in rejection

i’m often struggling to feel happy at all

where i lack happiness, i lack in compassion and a listening ear

my saving grace has been reliance on the one who has grace enough to save a wreck like me

and a wreck like me really needs saving quite often these days

and out of His grace I find myself no longer wondering, “why is this happening?” instead i ask Him, “what are you trying to teach me with this? what can i learn here?”

i find myself on my knees all of the time. praying for a sign, for an answer, for something

calling out to God for something i can understand

for something that makes sense

for something i can reason with

but reason to me is not reason to Him

this holiday season was of particular difficulty.

overrun by things of least importance, the hustle and bustle and neglect of what really matters, i find myself wishing i could turn back time and do it all over again.

recreate the memories now engrained in time

make new the things i know i can’t change as much i wish i could

but again, i ask “what are you trying to teach me, God?”

i will wait in silence. with any shred of obedience and patience i can find within myself, and where i fail, i will lean on His unending grace with steadfast hope.

for a foolish sinner that is me, i have a God who perfects unconditional love.

-S 

dirty laundry

i met with my mentor yesterday for a few hours over iced tea, which was ironically, or maybe not ironically, called "happiness".
we talked about things i've talked a lot about before; friendships, relationships, figuring out who you are, etc., but never have i understood these things we talked about in this way. she gets what it's like to be me, because now as a married 30-something who used to be a single 20-something like me, she gets its. she gets the heartache of being single. the confusion in self worth. she gets it, she was there once too.
she explained things in a way where i realized i had always felt them too, but i never knew how to explain it, or really never knew where the feelings were coming from:

the feeling i would get after talking to a boy that was just a friend. a really close friend. it has always been so natural for me to go deep in discussion, to want to fix things, to help people with their problems, and in turn also tell them mine. i would tell them everything. secrets and desires spilled out, continuously uprooting myself for them.
and the next day i would wake up exhausted and empty and gross.
i would become so invested in this person, whoever it was at the time, and them in me and the next day i would just feel gross...like an emotional hangover. i never knew that feeling of exhaustion would later turn into regret. regret that i gave too much the night before. too much of my mind, too much of my heart, too much of me.

after tea with her yesterday, i went home and took a shower and still i felt dirty. i let the water fall over me and around me, as i tried and tried to scrub this feeling off my body. i felt not my own. i feel not my own. like there are parts of me scattered all over town, hiding in the hearts of men who didn't want me, but acted like they needed me... oh the danger in feeling needed... pieces of me i couldn't get back even if i tried.
i feel like everybody elses' but mine. and the worst part was that no one took it from me, i gave it away. i gave in to the lie that i was special, that i was his "favorite girl". whoever he was at the time, i always believed it. i found immense comfort and complacent worth in being someones "favorite girl." i always believed them, so i willingly gave myself away.
i feel dirty and used and exhausted. like dirty laundry; worn and dirtied and thrown, no longer useful and in desperate need of washing.

i'm exhausted from being the stand-in.

the girl always used for my mind, my time, my energy, my words, my strength.
wrung out and left to dry over and again by the men in my life who have left after having found the girl to replace the stand-in with. a girl who gave everything i had to give, but the difference was that they wanted to kiss this girl as well.

so right now i feel dirty and empty and exhausted and used. and i think that's a really okay place to be in; totally empty with nothing left to give, and in turn fully reliant on the holy spirit of god to fill me back up with His grace and redeeming love. 

"trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. -psalm 62:8

....pour my heart out to Him, for God is my refuge"


-S

//
i shouted out for you. 
shouted in that direction, but silence followed me home. 
followed what i thought was your shadow, only to find the sunset and myself to roam. 
i heard you at the ocean, when i arrived all i heard was the whisper of the tide.
i thought i'd found you when, their lofty words momentarily filled me inside.
you were my light in darkness until like a trick you disappeared so quick
chasing you has haunted me, approval, it is time you let me be. 
//

reflecting on where my heart has wandered. there is vast vulnerability in brokenness. but oh joyful, joyful day when my mind is transformed and i am free from the chains of distorted self image.
i crave wholeness. with nothing to offer and everything to gain, i'm asking God to change my heart.



"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galations 1:10


Sincerely,
B

jeremiah 29:11

i’m reminded sometimes, whether it's as subtle as a little nudge on the shoulder; or as obvious as a slap in the face, i’m reminded that God has a plan. and sometimes it takes these little reminders that are felt and experienced so clearly, because over time saying, “it’ll work out, God has a plan,” becomes so monotonous. because He does have a plan. we know that. as followers we know that, as students of His word, we know that. so sometimes the phrase, “don’t worry God has a plan” are just words used as a comfort without the conviction. as refuge or a quick fix. as a way to silence and calm someone down. and when we so often use it this way, the significance becomes lost on us.

but do we really believe the things we are saying to be true? do we really believe He has a plan? do we honestly know, deep down in our core being, that God has it all under control? that He knows what He’s doing? when we say, “God has a plan,” are we just saying the words, subconsciously thinking, “well i’ve got one too, just in case His plan doesn’t work out… just in case i don’t really like His plan.”

i’m guilty of this. i admit that i am totally and completely guilty of this. and while i may be one of few that will admit my guilt, i know i am not the only one.  i think everyone struggles with letting go of control over our lives. as people, it’s in our innate nature to be protective over ourselves and over our dreams, aspirations, and even daily lives. we want to rule ourselves. we appoint ourselves our own God. it happens by nature, not because we truly desire to live this way.

i desire to have a life that serves and glorifies Jesus, a life that surrenders all earthly desires in order to give Him full control. but it’s not easy. i desire that life, but the struggle of implementation is what makes me human. and it’s designed that way. if it were easy, we wouldn’t need to rely on Him in times of doubt and strife.

i’ve been abnormally lucky lately. and i use the term lucky loosely and in the sense that i’ve been blessed in terms of the experiences i’ve had as of late. not that i’m not continuously blessed, because i totally am, but i think I’ve just become much more aware of the things i feel He’s been trying to reveal to me.

yesterday at work my dad texted me asking if i could do him a favor.  i read his text and my mind automatically began to think of an excuse i could use.  hesitantly i asked him what it was he needed me to do, and he told me he needed me to pick up my aunt after work, about 15 minutes in the opposite direction of home, in the middle of traffic. all i wanted to do was go home as soon as possible after an 8 hour day. it took me a couple of hours to respond and although he said it wasn’t a problem if i didn’t pick her up, i just felt like i should, as much as i really didn’t want to.so in the heart of traffic, i made my way over to get her.

now my aunt doesn’t speak much english, and having lived in a different country than her, i really don’t know her well. that being said, i was anticipating a long and uncomfortably quiet ride home.

it wasn’t so bad at first. she knew more english than i had given her credit, enough to make nice small talk. about half way home she remembered that i had been gone for the last two weeks in Ukraine. she asked me how my trip was, what we did there, how was the food, the weather, etc. i explained to her in very little detail, since much went over her head. in response to her question regarding our teams purpose for the trip i replied saying, “we taught english to students at camp. that’s why we went.” after i said that, in the back of my mind i heard, “that’s not why you went! why don’t you tell her the truth? this is your perfect opportunity to share the TRUTH.”  

after a minute of silence i said, “well we did go there to teach english, but we were really there to teach them about Jesus and about the bible. we had camp for the students to learn about Jesus. that’s why we went.” and with that statement i found the courage to carry on with the opportunity to share the gospel.

  

she was a curious one. we discussed and compared religions, and about how only one can be the truth. she asked me about how i came to choose christianity in a family that doesn’t practice religion at all. she talked to me about how she has been searching for a long time for a religion that seemed right and that she’s curious about christianity. and it all just flowed. i felt like i was completely directed with the right words to say. i think i was smiling during the entire conversation because i couldn’t help but be in awe that i was talking to my aunt about Jesus. and not to mention, my aunt and my dad come from a strict muslim family. for so long i have been discouraged by the fact that i had no idea how to share the good news with my dads’ side of the family, and here i was offering to get my aunt a bible.

she’s coming to church on sunday too. and im so excited.

i also just found out that her sister has been going to a church for a while now and wants to become a Christian. and i don’t even know how to handle that news. i get tears in my eyes thinking about it.

God answers prayers.

and i say that with absolute conviction and celebration.. because if there was a prayer i truly never believed would be answered, it was this one.

God answers prayers.

and it’s all in His timing. in His plan.

i’m older now. more mature, more firm in my faith and foundation. more equipped and prepared. ready and eager to share the truth of who He is. when you open your eyes and hearts to what God has laid out for you, He’ll offer a glimpse into that plan. an inside look, a quick peek into what He’s brewing.

His plan is good and perfect, and it's all for us. 

"'for I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" -jeremiah 29:11

-S

to kolomyya

i've missed kolomyya since the second we left.
the first step onto the train.
the moment we took our eyes off the people we came to love so quickly.
i haven't been able to stop missing it all.

everywhere i look i think i've seen the face of someone i probably won't ever see again.
every familiar voice i hear belongs to someone i once knew, when really it's just the person around the corner.
but it's not them. as much i want to believe it is, as much as i would give anything for it to be, it's not.
they're there and i'm here. all the way across the world.

it's just the way it has to be.

somehow, it only took a week.
one short week and i could call these people family, i could call this place home.
bound by nothing but the Holy Spirit and the power, hope, and promise of the cross, connecting people to each other supernaturally and irrevocably.
but this isn't how we work. to become so close to people only to have to say goodbye forever--it's not what we're made for. 

not what our psyche as humans are capable to handle.
it's too unnatural. too hard. 

but it happened and we must go on with the mission we've been created for.

still, kolomyya will reside as a soft ache in my heart.
not an ache for something broken, but rather for something that is so whole and holy it can only be explained as good.

good in the context of how the dictionary defines the word. not the i-just-have-poor-vocabulary use of it. our modern language has really dimmed the richness of this word.

good (n). - that which is morally right. righteous.

i can't find a better way to describe this ache. it hurts so good. because boy, it was so good. it was all so good.

it's an ache that serves as a reminder that love is powerful. that love and prayer should overflow in and out of us. it should consume us.

and of course, there's the tinge of inevitable sadness. 

sadness that i won't get to hug them anymore. that i won't get to hold hands in prayer again.
but just as i ache with that pain, i gladly accept it. because with the pain comes this ache of goodness, as proof of the righteousness we've been incredibly blessed to have experienced.

i wouldn't trade that up for anything.

and finally, it's an ache that's sole purpose is to remind me that it all meant something. that everything, every second was worth it.

that God moves mountains.

that God changes hearts.

that He is the sovereign, almighty God. 

and that is the God i live to serve. 
-S

let's be frank...

i am made up of the encouraging words of my mum.

of the playful game of hide and seek until dusk.

of the whispers muttered in the dark, withheld from authority

of the decisions crippled by fear.

of the security of constant best friends.

of the reading into moments, when that crush was had on you.

of the division in the family; the only one to carry this perspective.

of the rich smells from nostalgic summers past.

of the uplifting utterance made by the steadfast.

of the "quiet" mockery about the goody-good, in classroom corridors.

of the books and words i have held on to.

i am made up of many parts, weaved together. yet, the struggle lies within remembering. remembering that i am the sum of the parts beautifully weaved together. a myriad of cultivated moments. quirks from this or that. 

while pondering the reality of what consumes my mind most, the unspoken came to my attention. without acknowledgment, i have devoured the lie that i am insufficient. the lie whispering, if i worked dilligently enough, i could become (like) the people who i see are greatly valued. as i swallow my pride to reveal this in the light, truth is i put so much pressure on the way i look or how i am. i have created this idea in my mind that who i am is not enough. the not-so-pretty reality and result is in that little friend we love to hate: mr comparison. they say that comparison is the thief of joy. and boy-oh-boy, i could vouch for that. 

this flawed filter i choose to view myself in, i fear is detrimental to how i love others. and i desire diddly-squat to stop me from loving with everything in me, therefore i must love myself. this is my prayer and my cry to you Lord. save me from self deception & lend me your eyes. 

i am made up of confused paradoxes. and that, that i will cherish.

sincerely, 

B

finding home again

i drove a long ways from home. across this state of mine and into a whole new state of mind.

it was the furthest i’ve driven, the furthest i’ve driven alone.

and the further i went, the further i got from the heart i didn’t know i left behind.

i drove away from home and when i returned i realized i didn’t have a home.

i had somewhere to come back to, with a family who missed me, but this is not my home.

this place, here on earth, is not my home.

this place is temporary, fleeting; like emotions, like our earthly possessions, like anything not built on a solid foundation of Christ.

i came back to this place, my house that i won’t call home, with a conviction that i should be and should have for a long time been striving for a life constantly in the pursuit of my Creator. 

i should be longing for the intimacy that i get to have with the God of the universe that i, in no way, deserve.

i want a character that reflects Christ’s love so clearly.

i want to seek Him and believe that everywhere i go, is Holy Ground.

i want to long for His word.

i want to fix my eyes on what is eternal, what is everlasting.

i want to make every decision a decision to g l o r i f y Him.

i came back home to Christ.

Heaven is my home.

my God is my home.

my God, You are home.

-S

pur·pose  (pûr-puh-s) n. 1. the object toward which one strives or for which something exists; an aim or a goal. 2. the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc. someone once told me, "when you find what it is God made you for, that is your purpose, and you have to do that thing. that's what your life was made for. that is why you are here."  i haven't been able to forget that since i heard it. and since then i've thought a lot about our purpose here as people, as followers of Christ, and my own place in the midst of it all. something changed in me tonight. everything seemed to all set in and over me. i felt calm and ready to respond to Gods call. i was reminded of what i had been trying to find; my purpose. and i think it found me tonight. -S