under the same sun

lessons i've learned under the summer sun:
(in no particular order)

---> i can have messy, day-after-the-beach- hair, minimal-to-no makeup on if i want to. and strangely i've never felt prettier than that simplicity.

---> treat sleep as a suggestion rather than necessity some nights. stay up to see the sunrise. have an adventure while everyone is asleep. a lot of life can and should happen in those dark and beautiful hours.

---> i often find myself reverting back to really wanting him. and in that pursuit i continue to lose myself and what i want. over and over.

---> the art of discernment is a lost art. one i'd like to bring back, one i'd like to practice fiercely.

---> sometimes, every great once in a while, the attraction is so strong it can become the bane of your existence. the not-quite-but-almost existential dilemma you've come to over and again; that lust is just that, a child's game. that wanting and having mean two very different things.

---> swimming in the ocean under the moonlight is far better than any alternative.

---> watching fireworks from the roof of your house with your best friends is the best way to do independence day.

---> one day i'll be strong enough to walk away and not leave a single piece of me with him. and that it's OK if i'm just not there yet. 

---> listening to the thoughts and minds of generations before you should be a required practice.

---> to stop saying, "i hope he likes me" and start saying, "i hope i like him."

---> don't be ashamed of where you're at. you'd be surprised to know that most everyone is right there too.

---> one day i'll be enough for myself and from there, everything will follow suit.

-S

let's be frank...

i am made up of the encouraging words of my mum.

of the playful game of hide and seek until dusk.

of the whispers muttered in the dark, withheld from authority

of the decisions crippled by fear.

of the security of constant best friends.

of the reading into moments, when that crush was had on you.

of the division in the family; the only one to carry this perspective.

of the rich smells from nostalgic summers past.

of the uplifting utterance made by the steadfast.

of the "quiet" mockery about the goody-good, in classroom corridors.

of the books and words i have held on to.

i am made up of many parts, weaved together. yet, the struggle lies within remembering. remembering that i am the sum of the parts beautifully weaved together. a myriad of cultivated moments. quirks from this or that. 

while pondering the reality of what consumes my mind most, the unspoken came to my attention. without acknowledgment, i have devoured the lie that i am insufficient. the lie whispering, if i worked dilligently enough, i could become (like) the people who i see are greatly valued. as i swallow my pride to reveal this in the light, truth is i put so much pressure on the way i look or how i am. i have created this idea in my mind that who i am is not enough. the not-so-pretty reality and result is in that little friend we love to hate: mr comparison. they say that comparison is the thief of joy. and boy-oh-boy, i could vouch for that. 

this flawed filter i choose to view myself in, i fear is detrimental to how i love others. and i desire diddly-squat to stop me from loving with everything in me, therefore i must love myself. this is my prayer and my cry to you Lord. save me from self deception & lend me your eyes. 

i am made up of confused paradoxes. and that, that i will cherish.

sincerely, 

B

"Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted."

Syliva Plath 

sweet summertime

1. presentations--dancing the night away.
2. post-show patio hangs. we have the best of laughs.
3. new saltwaters make me happy.
4. solo roadtrip that i loved every second of.
5. rogues @ the constellation room--my first real gig (and of course i wore kitten ears, duh).
6. hume in the morning.
7. sisters at graduation (im crazy short, i know).

summer has been good to me thus far

-S

finding home again

i drove a long ways from home. across this state of mine and into a whole new state of mind.

it was the furthest i’ve driven, the furthest i’ve driven alone.

and the further i went, the further i got from the heart i didn’t know i left behind.

i drove away from home and when i returned i realized i didn’t have a home.

i had somewhere to come back to, with a family who missed me, but this is not my home.

this place, here on earth, is not my home.

this place is temporary, fleeting; like emotions, like our earthly possessions, like anything not built on a solid foundation of Christ.

i came back to this place, my house that i won’t call home, with a conviction that i should be and should have for a long time been striving for a life constantly in the pursuit of my Creator. 

i should be longing for the intimacy that i get to have with the God of the universe that i, in no way, deserve.

i want a character that reflects Christ’s love so clearly.

i want to seek Him and believe that everywhere i go, is Holy Ground.

i want to long for His word.

i want to fix my eyes on what is eternal, what is everlasting.

i want to make every decision a decision to g l o r i f y Him.

i came back home to Christ.

Heaven is my home.

my God is my home.

my God, You are home.

-S

the details

i've noticed that the big things always seem to fade out in your mind. the important things, the things that mattered. the parts of it that brought you to where you are now go away somehow. always.

then you're only left with the details. 
the small, minuscule details that get reminded to you through a song, or a smell, or place you once went with him. a blouse you put on and remember that the last time you wore it, he told you looked good that night. driving by a place that held homage to where many words and vulnerable truths were exchanged. a song on the radio that brings you back to his car, that night you drove until the freeway ended. a look in the eyes of someone else that makes you realize his look was so different.
and it all isn't so bad anymore. in fact it's nice. it's something like a small victory, almost worth celebrating that they don't ache behind your eyes as your memory replays it for you...that all these memories are fond ones now. 

the victory in knowing what it’s like to feel that way, and because of that you know now you could never settle for feeling less about someone else.

-S

the conversation

i stayed out late a few nights back. late enough to blink and have it be 2 & a half hours later, still sitting on the curb of 31st street. 
it was hours spent amongst old friends in the midst of the ungodly hours, with conversation full of questions without answers, and an overarching theme of the unrest and uncertainty of the fear of youth being wasted. it was a conversation longing for resolve, yet we were content in knowing there could never be said resolve. it was a conversation that just felt right; it needed to be had, and to know you weren't crazy, that others felt the exact.same.way as you, i think, is what is keeping us all just above water.

i've got a couple more months until i turn 20, and boyy am i gonna devour every last moment of teendom.

-S