yet another year's resolve

smile more
talk with strangers, learn about other's stories
live simpler
read the bible more
spend more time outdoors
make better and more intentional eye contact with others
read more books
wear lipstick
relish in the happy
journal
take more pictures
travel & explore
write music
craft more, give others gifts made from my hands
wear high heels
love unconditionally, sincerely, and intentionally
experiment with new hair colors
write more
be daring and bold, with my words and actions
laugh a lot
be a better friend, sister, daughter
remain thirsty for adventure, fueled by courage

-S

one-way tickets & the weight of it all

a small group of my friends and i gathered for dinner one last night all together before one of us left for good. he was quiet, kind, observant, and talented. we sort of adopted him into the group recently and before we knew it, it was time for him to leave. jake is a really talented songwriter and musician and after a few years of living in los angeles trying to make a name for himself, he decided to move to nashville. nashville is a beautiful city, and its the perfect place for a folk musician of his kind. so in honor of his last few days as a californian, a few friends gathered in downtown los angeles last week to celebrate jake and his new future.

yesterday jake cashed in his one way ticket for a new life in nashville, tennessee. and i've always admired him for his bravery, his hard work. he's worked so hard for the life he has always dreamt of, and i've never for a second doubted it'll happen for him. when i see someone go for a dream like he is, i always have this faith that it will happen for them. because if you try your best, put your best foot forward, and work damn hard, well something good always comes from that, right?

that night i stood on the roof of a friends friends apartment, watching the skyline of downtown los angeles while the subtle chill of the wind froze the tip of my nose.  i squinted at the skyline, letting the lights blur in my teary eyes. i filled my lungs with a breath of cold air, closed my eyes and thought, "you can be anywhere you want to right now," and pretended i was somewhere else. "somewhere with a city skyline like this one," i thought... seattle, nyc, maybe even nashville. somewhere big so i could feel small again. so i could dream again. and really, i could be anywhere i want to be right now. and it was then that i got this sense that life is all about the one-way tickets.  the act of rising to the occassion. of deciding, this is it. going for the thing you're convinced will make you so very happy. 

i tried to imagine what it would mean for me to buy a one way ticket and how i had never done that before. i had never left a place with no intention of returning. the idea frightens me and excites me. i wondered if jake had ever worried like this too. if he's doubted himself, if he's been afraid of the magnitude of his dreams. i once heard someone somewhere say, "if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." and i think its true and awful too. it's the people who don't get lost in the fear of a distant dream. the people who feel the weight of it all and take steps, the leaps in the direction of their dreams. 
and the scary part is that i don't know if i'm one of those people. the kind that buys the one-way ticket and say to hell with it, it's time to leap.

...but damn if i don't wish i were.


-S

under the same sun

lessons i've learned under the summer sun:
(in no particular order)

---> i can have messy, day-after-the-beach- hair, minimal-to-no makeup on if i want to. and strangely i've never felt prettier than that simplicity.

---> treat sleep as a suggestion rather than necessity some nights. stay up to see the sunrise. have an adventure while everyone is asleep. a lot of life can and should happen in those dark and beautiful hours.

---> i often find myself reverting back to really wanting him. and in that pursuit i continue to lose myself and what i want. over and over.

---> the art of discernment is a lost art. one i'd like to bring back, one i'd like to practice fiercely.

---> sometimes, every great once in a while, the attraction is so strong it can become the bane of your existence. the not-quite-but-almost existential dilemma you've come to over and again; that lust is just that, a child's game. that wanting and having mean two very different things.

---> swimming in the ocean under the moonlight is far better than any alternative.

---> watching fireworks from the roof of your house with your best friends is the best way to do independence day.

---> one day i'll be strong enough to walk away and not leave a single piece of me with him. and that it's OK if i'm just not there yet. 

---> listening to the thoughts and minds of generations before you should be a required practice.

---> to stop saying, "i hope he likes me" and start saying, "i hope i like him."

---> don't be ashamed of where you're at. you'd be surprised to know that most everyone is right there too.

---> one day i'll be enough for myself and from there, everything will follow suit.

-S

sweet summertime

1. presentations--dancing the night away.
2. post-show patio hangs. we have the best of laughs.
3. new saltwaters make me happy.
4. solo roadtrip that i loved every second of.
5. rogues @ the constellation room--my first real gig (and of course i wore kitten ears, duh).
6. hume in the morning.
7. sisters at graduation (im crazy short, i know).

summer has been good to me thus far

-S

as of late

my posts on this little blog have been far and few between as of late. i have been rather busy, between the end of the semester, work, traveling --okay, okay...maybe it is an issue of making time, as inclined as i am to admit. 

in light of that, here are a few photographs of life lately. seen through my quaint iphone lens, of course.

1. S and i enjoying Umami on my birthday. 

2. a favorite coffee shop in Seattle.

3. friends at stumptown coffee roasters.

4. a bbq on a lovely spring evening with family, ladies and...boys.

4. string lights and games

5. my favorite gals //  favorite city

6. gypsy lunch after a busy week

Sincerely, 

B

a weekend in the city

here are a few photos i took on my iPhone from my much-too-brief weekend in NYC.

goodness, that place is magical.

1. flying at sunset

2. twilight in times square

3. buvette--the sweetest parisian cafe

(recommended by the lovely megfee)

4. a killer latte & current read

5. obsessed with the gorgeous sunlight on this street

6. hillsong nyc--what an incredible service

7. record store day in west village

8. central park never looked so beautiful

9. nothing is worse than driving away from that view

10. boarding for the long flight

11. waiting at the gate

i don't know quite how, but a city like NYC just does something to you.  i think that's why i love it so much; because you can't exactly put your finger on why it's as incredible as it is--unexplained mystery i suppose.

i do know that being somewhere so grand just puts things into perspective. it shows us how much we sweat and make big the little things in our lives; but also how much potential we have, and how many possibilities are out there for us to take a risk on.

i talk about being alone and how i desire more time to live on my own, but up until this weekend, i'm not really sure i ever understood what that meant. being alone refines you, strengthens you, both mentally and emotionally.

even if just for a few hours.  it's nice not having to talk--i feel like everyone is talking to fill the silence, talking about things that serve no purpose in our growth as people and our relationships, talking about things that won't change--it gets tiring.

this weekend i spent hours and hours of time without talking to a single person. but without words, i still had this involuntary dialogue that happens within your own mind where your thoughts are free flowing, creativity sparking, your opinions solidifying. i need to spend more time just listening, to myself, to God, to things and people around me.

just be silent. see what happens. see what you can hear.
see what your mind has been trying to tell you.

-S

coachella daydreams

as of late, S and i have sailed away on S.S. Nostalgia and there is no sight of shore.
a year ago today, we escaped reality and entered a world only dreamed of. that world being coachella. 
despite a few irk-worthy circumstances, it was the best weekend. the first time i felt freedom pulsing through my veins. crowds of people, days dedicated only to music, dancing, laying in grassy fields, camping, friendly strangers, hot temperatures, hott boyz, desert sun sets--what about that isn't a dream?
it's true, once you enter, life before the gate is out of sight/out of mind. the rich smells at first odd (some plain yuck) quickly became homelike and safe. 
for weeks we were excited to for our fun outfits and hair, but looking cute was not an option considering it was the hottest coachella in all of coachella history (107 to be exact)!  and you thought we were crazy.
without being biased, i really did enjoy last years line up better than this years. 
a couple conversation worthy performances: The Head and the Heart, Grouplove, St. Vincent, Feist, Andrew Bird, Bon Iver, Other Lives, Black Keys, M. Ward (for more reasons than one), First Aid Kit, Fitz and the Tantrums, Beirut, Florence
being that it was so hot, we missed a handful of early shows i wish we would have seen but i'm sure were lovely.
needless to say, i ache for said whimsical coachella freedom.

here are a few rare photos from this dreamy weekend.  

until next time coach

Sincerely,

B

nyc and me

"i was in love with New York. i do not mean 'love' in any colloquial way, i mean that i was in love with the city, the way you love the first person who ever touches you and never love anyone quite that way again."

-joan didion

about less than twenty four hours before my flight, my parents were about to cancel--being that i literally had no where to sleep once i got off the plane.
and twenty four hours before that, this trip hadn't yet existed.

i let go and stopped fighting when they decided to cancel--and in that exact moment of surrender, my sister told me i'd have room to stay with her in manhattan.

i packed and was on my way hours later. the first plane was easy, just a quick hop to san francisco.
of course we couldn't get off the plane for another half hour after landing, right about the same time my next flight would be boarding. sheesh. talk about no control at all.
i got out and walked with great intent (because power walking doesn't sound cute) to the next gate and thank goodness my flight was slightly delayed. an act of God, i swear by it.

this next flight, i sat by a lady who looked disgusted by everything and everyone, including me.. and boy was it difficult to relax *just a little* for the five hours of flying. thanks crying baby and stomach-dropping turbulence and lady whom i will try with great restraint to not call a certain derogatory name. thank you.

the difficulty didn't stop there.
since the flight was delayed, i got to the terminal at about twelve thirty am, which would mean i missed my shuttle by about an hour. and of course no one was at the airport to help me figure out how to get out of there. i can do this, i thought. i don't need help. and i didn't. 

i saw a couple together at the airport, and i thought, must be nice to be taken care of like that, by a man who wants to protect you.
but i didn't need it. i felt strong.
i did everything today alone. a whole lot of traveling alone and i felt capable and confident--like i could take care of myself. like i didn't need anyone.
i had myself and that was enough. and that felt good.

i got picked up at around two thirty am from the airport--that's life, waiting two hours in the depth of the ungodly hours-- that's adventure. you gotta roll with the punches. 
almost there. almost there.
as i sat in the car, tall buildings passing by, i felt at home again.
a small, cheesy smile spread across my face: i was in New York City.

i arrived at three am, finally at my sisters apartment, carry on in one hand, coat in the other, and under eye circles that gave my traveling-all-day-doesn't-make-me-tired-at-all facade away.
and the best part of it all was that i felt like i got to see something no one really does...
i got to see "the city that never sleeps" in a silent slumber; and as tired as i was, i felt luckier than anyone asleep or awake at three am.
i was home in NYC

in that moment nothing else mattered

-S

taking back today

one morning i woke up and coffee was no longer for grown ups, but for myself as well.

i want to dive into the enigma of youth. 

to hell with second guessing. and expectations placed on me? forget that too.

i yearn to shock people. to really surprise them.

no hidden agenda except following the tug on my heart to explore for what its worth. 

i am young. life is peculiar. & i will not protect my days. 


so George Bernard Shaw, when you said "youth is wasted on the young" ...i'm setting out to prove you wrong. 


sincerely, 
a youthful B

sometimes

sometimes it happens in a swift moment: in the exchange of a glance/or a thought in my mind

sometimes i don’t recognize myself anymore

...and nothing thrills me more

-S

you

just when the clouds had finally rolled away, you stormed in.

like the return of a tide, you swept me up-taking me with you. 

passing glances bringing out this mess you've made of me. 

with a subtle gesture of the hand and question, you had me. 

you had me under that spell-remember that thing you do. 

uninterrupted moments-my hand in yours, we drifted.

silence speaking louder than any feeble words.

the intrigue carries me through.

you're reckless abandon lurs me to let go and abandon all that is familiar. 

you are terrifying.

i want to adventure with you. 

adventure awaits for a me and a you.

but this time it all feels new. 

you-having stepped off that pedestal i placed you on, so many moons ago.

me-freedom from persuasion and self doubt.

if you choose not to see that i am wonderfully and beautifully made-its alright, i know He does. 

i am afraid of this heart o' mine.

you wander in, captivating every fiber in me. 

guiding me to a place in my soul light rarely reaches.

but i won't fall, i can't fall

i know you,

you've got one magic trick-you disappear. 

but holy canolli, you're the type of boy i want to make happy.

sincerely, 

B

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.
— Eleanor Roosevelt

the elegant escape

i dreamt up a consuming desire pumping through my veins to dance. dreams of gliding light as a feather, drifting across the extent of the beaten down marley floor. intoxicating every part of me. carrying me to a place only dreamt. sending chills down my spine as the music moves the very depths of my being. like stones danced around by rushing water. an autumn leaf twirling in the air midst a gusty wind. freedom. the elegant escape from dullness. the ingenious craft. dag nabbit, why did i choose the path most traveled and quit?

sincerely,
B

**note: this is merely a daydream. my days of the chance to dance have long passed me by.