--to you--
all the things i’ve thought but will never say
all the things i thought then and now, about you, about me
the truth--my truth
by now, the seasons have changed a few times over
faces you never thought would, faded
like yours
but even so, my eyes haven’t once wept
and then there’s you
you, who knows every.inch.of.me
well now I guess ‘knew’would make more sense
if there is any way to make sense of it at all
you know, i wanted to go there, then
i think
i know i wanted to want to go there, with you
i thought and thought and thought until my mind ached for solutions i wouldn’t ever find
for feelings i wasn’t ever sure about
but i was sure i wanted to be sure--about you--about me--about all of it
and i wasn’t
if that makes sense
if there is any way to make sense of any of this at all
i’m no longer shaky like i used to be
tied up in uncomplacent knots, thinking of what i’ll say the next time i see you
remembering and replaying what i wish i had said the last time i saw you
wondering if there is anything worth saying now at all
it’s harder for me to breathe now though
--so there’s the tradeoff i suppose--
it’s like i’m only allowed short breaths, the tight-chest-but-slow-heartbeat/hot-tears-in-your-eyes kind of breaths
the kind that never quite satisfies you, like you can’t seem to find enough air
and there’s never enough air because i can’t breathe deeply anymore with this hole in my heart.
the hole that used to be where you always were
and even though i’m full aware the heart is pumping blood and not storing emotions like we’ve been fooled to believe--that area where my heart lies in my chest--it aches at the thought of your absence
a space i never knew was there until it was empty
until you were gone
i feel suffocated knowing that i don't have all of myself anymore
that you still have that piece of me with you
even now, when it has been so long
i’m mad at you for that
i’m mad at me for that
is it ever hard for you to breathe?
was it ever hard for you at all?
did i have a piece of you too?
these questions i've wondered, and fear i always will
and still every time i walk away from you, it's as if i stayed
as if i had never left
there’s a piece of me where it shouldn't be
just pieces -- and no peace
sincerely,
S
sincerely,
S
