"i made a promise such a long time ago that i would take in experiences-- all of them, 

so i could tell the people about them and maybe save them, but it gets so tiring.

i try to take in all the experiences for everybody, letting anyone say anything to me. 

and i realized i'm not different. i want what everyone wants. i want all the things.

i just want to be happy."

-girls, hbo

where i find you

i don’t recognize myself

tinted green of jealousy and physical ailment from my selfishness and inability to simply be happy for others
self-loathing so strong my body aches in rejection

i’m often struggling to feel happy at all

where i lack happiness, i lack in compassion and a listening ear

my saving grace has been reliance on the one who has grace enough to save a wreck like me

and a wreck like me really needs saving quite often these days

and out of His grace I find myself no longer wondering, “why is this happening?” instead i ask Him, “what are you trying to teach me with this? what can i learn here?”

i find myself on my knees all of the time. praying for a sign, for an answer, for something

calling out to God for something i can understand

for something that makes sense

for something i can reason with

but reason to me is not reason to Him

this holiday season was of particular difficulty.

overrun by things of least importance, the hustle and bustle and neglect of what really matters, i find myself wishing i could turn back time and do it all over again.

recreate the memories now engrained in time

make new the things i know i can’t change as much i wish i could

but again, i ask “what are you trying to teach me, God?”

i will wait in silence. with any shred of obedience and patience i can find within myself, and where i fail, i will lean on His unending grace with steadfast hope.

for a foolish sinner that is me, i have a God who perfects unconditional love.

-S 

words and their keepers

he carried the words "i'm sorry" gravely upon his shoulders
a burden so heavy. like the chains of a guilty prisoner.

as the words released from his tongue he was at once renewed.
the dimmed light in his eyes had lifted.
changed colors, changed direction.
shifting focus from her to another.

freed from the words and weight they carried, he went on and they found a home upon the shoulders of a girl.
the girl whom validated the weight of those words, whose ears ached for the apology.
a girl who had never learned to let go of any of the words he had ever spoken to her.
and now as he carries on, she carries them on her shoulders.
a burden not meant to be carried, not by her or by anyone.

he would leave his words on her,
because he was man who never kept his word.
so she became a girl who tried to keep them for him.
she became a girl who no longer believed in words and the weight of them.

so the "i'm sorry" and the "i love you" and the "i miss you" became just words that became her.
it was her cross to bear. it was all she had left of him.
because he was a man who never kept his word.


-S

“and that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say, they think everyone else does too.” Khaled Hosseini 

for the moments i feel faint

some nights i hug a pillow so i can fall asleep.
sometimes, just for a moment, i feel the pillow holding me back.

i forget often how i am rarely ever touched by someone with affection, affirmation, protection.
and i'm reminded of that; usually when i'm needing it most, in the times i find myself quietly and anxiously searching for a pillow to squeeze.

every night i listen to the same song while i'm lying in bed,
only loud enough for me to hear.
the repetition comforts me

like the swelling of the oceans waves, lulling back and forth with no end. 

there is a blessed assurance in knowing it will always come back.

i listen to it every night. it's like my secret song.
it holds memories and thoughts, honesty and tears of the nights prior and of the nights to come

sometimes i think getting through the winter is the toughest feat, as beautiful she is.
realizing the lonely; clothing your bones in the warmth you've created for yourself and braving the cold.
this battle is heavy laden and not for the faint of heart


-S


link to the song i mentioned: the light -- the album leaf

one-way tickets & the weight of it all

a small group of my friends and i gathered for dinner one last night all together before one of us left for good. he was quiet, kind, observant, and talented. we sort of adopted him into the group recently and before we knew it, it was time for him to leave. jake is a really talented songwriter and musician and after a few years of living in los angeles trying to make a name for himself, he decided to move to nashville. nashville is a beautiful city, and its the perfect place for a folk musician of his kind. so in honor of his last few days as a californian, a few friends gathered in downtown los angeles last week to celebrate jake and his new future.

yesterday jake cashed in his one way ticket for a new life in nashville, tennessee. and i've always admired him for his bravery, his hard work. he's worked so hard for the life he has always dreamt of, and i've never for a second doubted it'll happen for him. when i see someone go for a dream like he is, i always have this faith that it will happen for them. because if you try your best, put your best foot forward, and work damn hard, well something good always comes from that, right?

that night i stood on the roof of a friends friends apartment, watching the skyline of downtown los angeles while the subtle chill of the wind froze the tip of my nose.  i squinted at the skyline, letting the lights blur in my teary eyes. i filled my lungs with a breath of cold air, closed my eyes and thought, "you can be anywhere you want to right now," and pretended i was somewhere else. "somewhere with a city skyline like this one," i thought... seattle, nyc, maybe even nashville. somewhere big so i could feel small again. so i could dream again. and really, i could be anywhere i want to be right now. and it was then that i got this sense that life is all about the one-way tickets.  the act of rising to the occassion. of deciding, this is it. going for the thing you're convinced will make you so very happy. 

i tried to imagine what it would mean for me to buy a one way ticket and how i had never done that before. i had never left a place with no intention of returning. the idea frightens me and excites me. i wondered if jake had ever worried like this too. if he's doubted himself, if he's been afraid of the magnitude of his dreams. i once heard someone somewhere say, "if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." and i think its true and awful too. it's the people who don't get lost in the fear of a distant dream. the people who feel the weight of it all and take steps, the leaps in the direction of their dreams. 
and the scary part is that i don't know if i'm one of those people. the kind that buys the one-way ticket and say to hell with it, it's time to leap.

...but damn if i don't wish i were.


-S

a cautionary tale

she locked it up at a young age.
for fear of it being mistreated, misused, cut or bruised.
and as time went on and she grew older, the tower that protected it became taller and stronger, brick by brick.
nothing and no one could neither get inside nor tear it down

and inside her tower lived but one single beating heart. her heart.

slowly losing color, losing faith, losing life day by day.

it sat in a small box, boarded up by the locks and chains of insecurity, fear, vulnerability, truth; all the things that made the walls build up to be so tall.

and with the sunrise and night fall of every new day that came to pass, her heart began to gray and grow tough, resembling that of a cold stone.

for that is what her heart became.
in effort to protect it from any harm, she was the one to do the most damage

and it was a shame
a sad, sad shame


-S

the feeling of beauty

the last time we were all together, i asked my best friends a simple question: when do you feel most beautiful?

i didn't mean, when do you think you look most beautiful?
because looks had nothing to do with it.
i rarely think it does, really.

i asked them this question and i had to better explain what i meant.  i mean it's not something you really ever think about--i think because the feeling is so fleeting.

B answered, "when i'm exploring, or doing something outdoors.. when i'm active and i use my body for all it's worth."
i loved that-- when i use my body for all its worth.. it's crazy that we have these complicated bodies that are capable of such incredible things. when i think of all the things i can do, the obvious things--jump, walk, smile.. those things are huge. those things are a blessing we are given. they are nothing short of a gift.  using your body to do those things we've been blessed with.  yourself at your most natural sense of being--that is beauty.

R said, "when i share eye contact with someone-- it's a connection with another person on different level, it just means more."
her feeling was so spot on.  looking at someone in the eyes, that connection is so different than any other.  it's like a tangible understanding of one another, both your presence known, a window to your thoughts opened. eyes are so telling and hold so much knowledge--that is beauty.

when i had my own question turned on me i said, 
"1. when i'm telling a story and can make people laugh
 2. when someone looks at me and we both smile...like a big, stupid, can't-keep-my-face-from-taking-over-my-whole-face kind of smile.
3. right after i've cried."

i’ve been trying to notice and recognize the feeling of the difference between the moments of when i feel pretty and when i feel beautiful.  and it’s so blatantly obvious once you start to tell them apart. and any explanation i try to come up with, never quite makes perfect sense. it’s only in the moment when i can feel the difference, is when it makes perfect sense to me.

there’s this commonality in what i thought of as my moments of feeling most beautiful, and it seems like it comes hand in hand with when i’m most vulnerable. which is also the emotional state of being i’m most afraid of.  when i’m susceptible to embarrassment, when i’ve let someone in just enough for them to get a better grasp on the mystery i like to keep myself, when something has made me cry and feel weak. 

all these things are what make me feel most beautiful, but also what i try my best to avoid.
i avoid them for fear of letting people in, letting people really know me. because when they really get to know me, then they will make the choice whether or not i'm enough. enough to keep them around, enough to entertain everyone.
sometimes i feel like that's all i'm good for. like people only want me around if i'm going to be making jokes and being the same way all.the.time.
and for some reason i just don't feel like enough. even when i know not to believe that devil inside my head.

the more i think about it, the more i realize how much my own thoughts of myself are what can ruin a person like me.
all i have to do is turn them off--all the things i dislike and wish i could change.
because those things, are exactly what makes me feel most beautiful, most like myself, most happy.

that is  b e a u t y

-S

a plea to shake the dust

some days, the fog is impenetrable.

today, i can't even see my own hand through the fog.

my heart is downcast. 

my mind is at capacity; while my mouth is at a loss. 

its presence leaves an unpleasant pressure on my chest. 

the reason is uncertain.

a number of things, doin a number on me.

i remind myself i can be honest here. so here goes something.

it takes every ounce of me to be open with people.

"do i need to change how i act depending on the person?"

i want to make sure everyone is heard and happy--so i forfeit my voice. 

stumbling to share even the tiniest parts of my heart.

comparison paves the way for my absence. 

today, it took so much to even be pleasant. 

no, i don't completely know what i want to spend my life doing. 

i do know i have a passion to love people with love i do not possess.

i wish it were as effortless to walk away from our friendship as it was for you. 

confined by the boundaries i've built myself. 

is it too much to get over my hill and be still?

there is so much to be. 

i can't find myself in all the haze i've created.

all of this makes me weak human.

all i ask is,

to shake the dust.

and all i can do is run. 

run fast and quick to the only one who restores the broken. 

sincerely, 

an honest B

please excuse my feeling vomit above.

she & him

she cleans the house when he leaves

she cooks all day, and touches up her makeup before he gets home

she makes his plate on the table she’s set

she asks him questions, and receives unsatisfactory answers

she washes the dishes, and brews his tea

watching him fall asleep in front of the T.V.

this is her everyday

and she wants more

he wakes before the sun

he checks his phone while he's still in bed

he dresses for the meetings ahead

he drives against the traffic day & night

he comes home tired, as anyone would be

he kisses her on the cheek, noticing the perfume

he sits at the table, eating the food she’s made

he lies on the couch with the dog on his lap

the droning of the T.V., slowly lulling him to sleep

this is his everyday

and he wants more

she sees her reflection in the compact mirror, in thewindow of the oven

he sees his reflection in the screen of his computer, in the glass door of his office

and they don't ever see each other.

-S

fictional loss

theres a certain kind of sadness.  

this is the gentle kind. 

seeing bold footprints of joy, but is aching.

an ache for the present. 

for deeper, always more.

for fear of loss.

ache to curl up and live in the present just a little bit longer.

it reaches the corner of my heart that feeds off of nostalgia. 

when gladness overflows, comes the sweeping sadness. 

a fear, or rather anxious heart that it all could be taken in an instant. 

perhaps a lack of faith.

the gravity of it is slowly being revealed to me. 

the weight of its occurance is crippling.

not everyone plans to leave.

today, the blessings are abundant.

sincerely,

B

a need to breathe

i'm drowning:
enveloped by the waves, with an anchor of a thousand tons tied to my ankles
these inescapable shackles

i need to come up for air
dear God, i need air and freedom and time and adventure and life and You--goodness gracious i need You

i need You to guide me
and i need to listen & follow
i can't do this without You

-S

matthew 11:28-30

psalm 46:10

psalm 23:3

part one

and all at once the ground below my feet was gone.

i am tired
i am sad
i am empty

and i won't try to be happy

-S

this dream is over

i could feel it when i drove up
when i got home
something changed
something felt different
i felt different

it was gonna be today

i didn't ask for it
i knew it was there

she handed it to me anyway
i looked at it and there it was
not the way i wanted it to look
not the way it was supposed to look
small, thin & disappointing
i already knew

it got passed along, person to person
until there was only silence left
the silence that comes from pity
from not knowing quite what to say
what do you say to someone who's had their dream end before it even started?

dream another dream. this dream is over.

i was going to leave
i was going to get out
i was going to leave

i guess this is what disappointment feels like
what sadness feels like
what broken feels like
what starting over feels like

dream another dream. this dream is over.

-S

dark vs. light

the light is clarity

it is polished

it is telling

it is what is right

the dark is indulgent

it is haunting

it is delicious

it is secretive

it is truth

are you who you said you would be?

in the midst of sweepingly subtle metamorphosis?

when your integrity falls into hypocrisy, straight from the pedestal you’ve put it on?

when you’re lured into the truth that lives beyond what your lips have always spoken?

into the dark of the night we fall:

quiet, hushed sounds of our echoing irrevocable truth

the dark is the most fatal temptress

then light comes with the morning (or rather mourning), and it burns

burns truth into our skin

slowly and guiltlessly; delivering a self-reproach too heavy to carry

the light is remorseless

the dark tries to hold the secrets and truths too ashamed to surface...
but they will always finds its way to the light

are you who you said you would be?

-S