dirty laundry

i met with my mentor yesterday for a few hours over iced tea, which was ironically, or maybe not ironically, called "happiness".
we talked about things i've talked a lot about before; friendships, relationships, figuring out who you are, etc., but never have i understood these things we talked about in this way. she gets what it's like to be me, because now as a married 30-something who used to be a single 20-something like me, she gets its. she gets the heartache of being single. the confusion in self worth. she gets it, she was there once too.
she explained things in a way where i realized i had always felt them too, but i never knew how to explain it, or really never knew where the feelings were coming from:

the feeling i would get after talking to a boy that was just a friend. a really close friend. it has always been so natural for me to go deep in discussion, to want to fix things, to help people with their problems, and in turn also tell them mine. i would tell them everything. secrets and desires spilled out, continuously uprooting myself for them.
and the next day i would wake up exhausted and empty and gross.
i would become so invested in this person, whoever it was at the time, and them in me and the next day i would just feel gross...like an emotional hangover. i never knew that feeling of exhaustion would later turn into regret. regret that i gave too much the night before. too much of my mind, too much of my heart, too much of me.

after tea with her yesterday, i went home and took a shower and still i felt dirty. i let the water fall over me and around me, as i tried and tried to scrub this feeling off my body. i felt not my own. i feel not my own. like there are parts of me scattered all over town, hiding in the hearts of men who didn't want me, but acted like they needed me... oh the danger in feeling needed... pieces of me i couldn't get back even if i tried.
i feel like everybody elses' but mine. and the worst part was that no one took it from me, i gave it away. i gave in to the lie that i was special, that i was his "favorite girl". whoever he was at the time, i always believed it. i found immense comfort and complacent worth in being someones "favorite girl." i always believed them, so i willingly gave myself away.
i feel dirty and used and exhausted. like dirty laundry; worn and dirtied and thrown, no longer useful and in desperate need of washing.

i'm exhausted from being the stand-in.

the girl always used for my mind, my time, my energy, my words, my strength.
wrung out and left to dry over and again by the men in my life who have left after having found the girl to replace the stand-in with. a girl who gave everything i had to give, but the difference was that they wanted to kiss this girl as well.

so right now i feel dirty and empty and exhausted and used. and i think that's a really okay place to be in; totally empty with nothing left to give, and in turn fully reliant on the holy spirit of god to fill me back up with His grace and redeeming love. 

"trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. -psalm 62:8

....pour my heart out to Him, for God is my refuge"


-S

my mind is keeping a close watch on relationships (friendships). found in the dictionary under peculiar and trivial. observing interactions and relationships intrigues me in every way. i am beginning to question, wonder, anazlyze, judge (unfortunately), compare, accept, admire, and doubt. sometimes for the better and, when negativity steps in, for the worse. 
but as the clouds eventually pass and the sun does again shine, one comes along who reminds you of authenticity and the goodness you, too reflect. grateful for the ability to experience genuine conversation. for the sweet gift of connection and that blessed moment of "i'm not the only one" true friendship is a wonderful, rare find.

-B

stubborn love

i was right
i was right
i was right i was right i was right
i was so so right

i don't want to do it but i have to
i have to let go. i have to walk away--because someone has to and that is why i was right
and as much as the notion usually brings me much pleasure, i wish i was not right about this.one.thing.
i was right and i wish i was not
i wish i was not

i wish you were not you and i was not me when we are together--because this would be much easier.
but it never is, is it? the things you wish could be easy
is walking away right because things shouldn't be this complicated?
is fighting for something right because it means something?
is it cowardly to walk away or strong to move on?
the only thing i see as simple is that i simply do not know

i was right and i wish i was not.
i wish it didn't have to be this way, but it does.
i wish i knew what i wanted, but i don't.
i wish we were not us, but we are---which is why you won't hear from me anymore.
and i wish i could tell you this, but i will not--because after all, you never told me. 
you never said anything. 
you had so many chances, but you never took one and that makes me sad.

and as much as i wish i wasn't, i was right.
i was right.

-S

"between men and women there is no friendship possible.

there is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."

-oscar wilde