where i find you

i don’t recognize myself

tinted green of jealousy and physical ailment from my selfishness and inability to simply be happy for others
self-loathing so strong my body aches in rejection

i’m often struggling to feel happy at all

where i lack happiness, i lack in compassion and a listening ear

my saving grace has been reliance on the one who has grace enough to save a wreck like me

and a wreck like me really needs saving quite often these days

and out of His grace I find myself no longer wondering, “why is this happening?” instead i ask Him, “what are you trying to teach me with this? what can i learn here?”

i find myself on my knees all of the time. praying for a sign, for an answer, for something

calling out to God for something i can understand

for something that makes sense

for something i can reason with

but reason to me is not reason to Him

this holiday season was of particular difficulty.

overrun by things of least importance, the hustle and bustle and neglect of what really matters, i find myself wishing i could turn back time and do it all over again.

recreate the memories now engrained in time

make new the things i know i can’t change as much i wish i could

but again, i ask “what are you trying to teach me, God?”

i will wait in silence. with any shred of obedience and patience i can find within myself, and where i fail, i will lean on His unending grace with steadfast hope.

for a foolish sinner that is me, i have a God who perfects unconditional love.

-S 

dirty laundry

i met with my mentor yesterday for a few hours over iced tea, which was ironically, or maybe not ironically, called "happiness".
we talked about things i've talked a lot about before; friendships, relationships, figuring out who you are, etc., but never have i understood these things we talked about in this way. she gets what it's like to be me, because now as a married 30-something who used to be a single 20-something like me, she gets its. she gets the heartache of being single. the confusion in self worth. she gets it, she was there once too.
she explained things in a way where i realized i had always felt them too, but i never knew how to explain it, or really never knew where the feelings were coming from:

the feeling i would get after talking to a boy that was just a friend. a really close friend. it has always been so natural for me to go deep in discussion, to want to fix things, to help people with their problems, and in turn also tell them mine. i would tell them everything. secrets and desires spilled out, continuously uprooting myself for them.
and the next day i would wake up exhausted and empty and gross.
i would become so invested in this person, whoever it was at the time, and them in me and the next day i would just feel gross...like an emotional hangover. i never knew that feeling of exhaustion would later turn into regret. regret that i gave too much the night before. too much of my mind, too much of my heart, too much of me.

after tea with her yesterday, i went home and took a shower and still i felt dirty. i let the water fall over me and around me, as i tried and tried to scrub this feeling off my body. i felt not my own. i feel not my own. like there are parts of me scattered all over town, hiding in the hearts of men who didn't want me, but acted like they needed me... oh the danger in feeling needed... pieces of me i couldn't get back even if i tried.
i feel like everybody elses' but mine. and the worst part was that no one took it from me, i gave it away. i gave in to the lie that i was special, that i was his "favorite girl". whoever he was at the time, i always believed it. i found immense comfort and complacent worth in being someones "favorite girl." i always believed them, so i willingly gave myself away.
i feel dirty and used and exhausted. like dirty laundry; worn and dirtied and thrown, no longer useful and in desperate need of washing.

i'm exhausted from being the stand-in.

the girl always used for my mind, my time, my energy, my words, my strength.
wrung out and left to dry over and again by the men in my life who have left after having found the girl to replace the stand-in with. a girl who gave everything i had to give, but the difference was that they wanted to kiss this girl as well.

so right now i feel dirty and empty and exhausted and used. and i think that's a really okay place to be in; totally empty with nothing left to give, and in turn fully reliant on the holy spirit of god to fill me back up with His grace and redeeming love. 

"trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. -psalm 62:8

....pour my heart out to Him, for God is my refuge"


-S

"Of course I'll hurt you. Of course you'll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence." -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

...accepting the risk.

in the absence of contentment

i think i decided not to date anyone until 2014.
i realize it'll be hard fending off all of my suitors, especially since the offers are just non-stop (<----hint hint, sarcasm)
all-the-more, that doesn't matter. just because i'm already not dating doesn't mean that i'm not wanting to be dating someone. which isn't a bad thing, i don't think. i think it's healthy and normal to want to date. it's when you start to dislike yourself in the process of wondering why you aren't being asked out, i think that's a bad place to be in. and that's where i find myself right now. and i'm not okay with that. i'm not content with being discontent. i need to be okay with me and with being alone.

so i'm saying no to dating. i'm taking a break from being open. because being open gets exhausting. we'll see how this experiment goes.


-S

my mind is keeping a close watch on relationships (friendships). found in the dictionary under peculiar and trivial. observing interactions and relationships intrigues me in every way. i am beginning to question, wonder, anazlyze, judge (unfortunately), compare, accept, admire, and doubt. sometimes for the better and, when negativity steps in, for the worse. 
but as the clouds eventually pass and the sun does again shine, one comes along who reminds you of authenticity and the goodness you, too reflect. grateful for the ability to experience genuine conversation. for the sweet gift of connection and that blessed moment of "i'm not the only one" true friendship is a wonderful, rare find.

-B

fictional loss

theres a certain kind of sadness.  

this is the gentle kind. 

seeing bold footprints of joy, but is aching.

an ache for the present. 

for deeper, always more.

for fear of loss.

ache to curl up and live in the present just a little bit longer.

it reaches the corner of my heart that feeds off of nostalgia. 

when gladness overflows, comes the sweeping sadness. 

a fear, or rather anxious heart that it all could be taken in an instant. 

perhaps a lack of faith.

the gravity of it is slowly being revealed to me. 

the weight of its occurance is crippling.

not everyone plans to leave.

today, the blessings are abundant.

sincerely,

B