"i made a promise such a long time ago that i would take in experiences-- all of them, 

so i could tell the people about them and maybe save them, but it gets so tiring.

i try to take in all the experiences for everybody, letting anyone say anything to me. 

and i realized i'm not different. i want what everyone wants. i want all the things.

i just want to be happy."

-girls, hbo

where i find you

i don’t recognize myself

tinted green of jealousy and physical ailment from my selfishness and inability to simply be happy for others
self-loathing so strong my body aches in rejection

i’m often struggling to feel happy at all

where i lack happiness, i lack in compassion and a listening ear

my saving grace has been reliance on the one who has grace enough to save a wreck like me

and a wreck like me really needs saving quite often these days

and out of His grace I find myself no longer wondering, “why is this happening?” instead i ask Him, “what are you trying to teach me with this? what can i learn here?”

i find myself on my knees all of the time. praying for a sign, for an answer, for something

calling out to God for something i can understand

for something that makes sense

for something i can reason with

but reason to me is not reason to Him

this holiday season was of particular difficulty.

overrun by things of least importance, the hustle and bustle and neglect of what really matters, i find myself wishing i could turn back time and do it all over again.

recreate the memories now engrained in time

make new the things i know i can’t change as much i wish i could

but again, i ask “what are you trying to teach me, God?”

i will wait in silence. with any shred of obedience and patience i can find within myself, and where i fail, i will lean on His unending grace with steadfast hope.

for a foolish sinner that is me, i have a God who perfects unconditional love.

-S 

yet another year's resolve

smile more
talk with strangers, learn about other's stories
live simpler
read the bible more
spend more time outdoors
make better and more intentional eye contact with others
read more books
wear lipstick
relish in the happy
journal
take more pictures
travel & explore
write music
craft more, give others gifts made from my hands
wear high heels
love unconditionally, sincerely, and intentionally
experiment with new hair colors
write more
be daring and bold, with my words and actions
laugh a lot
be a better friend, sister, daughter
remain thirsty for adventure, fueled by courage

-S

for the moments i feel faint

some nights i hug a pillow so i can fall asleep.
sometimes, just for a moment, i feel the pillow holding me back.

i forget often how i am rarely ever touched by someone with affection, affirmation, protection.
and i'm reminded of that; usually when i'm needing it most, in the times i find myself quietly and anxiously searching for a pillow to squeeze.

every night i listen to the same song while i'm lying in bed,
only loud enough for me to hear.
the repetition comforts me

like the swelling of the oceans waves, lulling back and forth with no end. 

there is a blessed assurance in knowing it will always come back.

i listen to it every night. it's like my secret song.
it holds memories and thoughts, honesty and tears of the nights prior and of the nights to come

sometimes i think getting through the winter is the toughest feat, as beautiful she is.
realizing the lonely; clothing your bones in the warmth you've created for yourself and braving the cold.
this battle is heavy laden and not for the faint of heart


-S


link to the song i mentioned: the light -- the album leaf

dirty laundry

i met with my mentor yesterday for a few hours over iced tea, which was ironically, or maybe not ironically, called "happiness".
we talked about things i've talked a lot about before; friendships, relationships, figuring out who you are, etc., but never have i understood these things we talked about in this way. she gets what it's like to be me, because now as a married 30-something who used to be a single 20-something like me, she gets its. she gets the heartache of being single. the confusion in self worth. she gets it, she was there once too.
she explained things in a way where i realized i had always felt them too, but i never knew how to explain it, or really never knew where the feelings were coming from:

the feeling i would get after talking to a boy that was just a friend. a really close friend. it has always been so natural for me to go deep in discussion, to want to fix things, to help people with their problems, and in turn also tell them mine. i would tell them everything. secrets and desires spilled out, continuously uprooting myself for them.
and the next day i would wake up exhausted and empty and gross.
i would become so invested in this person, whoever it was at the time, and them in me and the next day i would just feel gross...like an emotional hangover. i never knew that feeling of exhaustion would later turn into regret. regret that i gave too much the night before. too much of my mind, too much of my heart, too much of me.

after tea with her yesterday, i went home and took a shower and still i felt dirty. i let the water fall over me and around me, as i tried and tried to scrub this feeling off my body. i felt not my own. i feel not my own. like there are parts of me scattered all over town, hiding in the hearts of men who didn't want me, but acted like they needed me... oh the danger in feeling needed... pieces of me i couldn't get back even if i tried.
i feel like everybody elses' but mine. and the worst part was that no one took it from me, i gave it away. i gave in to the lie that i was special, that i was his "favorite girl". whoever he was at the time, i always believed it. i found immense comfort and complacent worth in being someones "favorite girl." i always believed them, so i willingly gave myself away.
i feel dirty and used and exhausted. like dirty laundry; worn and dirtied and thrown, no longer useful and in desperate need of washing.

i'm exhausted from being the stand-in.

the girl always used for my mind, my time, my energy, my words, my strength.
wrung out and left to dry over and again by the men in my life who have left after having found the girl to replace the stand-in with. a girl who gave everything i had to give, but the difference was that they wanted to kiss this girl as well.

so right now i feel dirty and empty and exhausted and used. and i think that's a really okay place to be in; totally empty with nothing left to give, and in turn fully reliant on the holy spirit of god to fill me back up with His grace and redeeming love. 

"trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. -psalm 62:8

....pour my heart out to Him, for God is my refuge"


-S

here's to twenty

right now i'm subconsciously counting down the hours til i'm no longer a teenager.
right now i hate that i have to do school for two more years.
right now i wish i knew more about my Creator.
right now i wish people didn't see me for the choices & mistakes i've made.
right now i'm proud of the person i've been growing into despite those choices.
right now i'm excited to start my internship.
right now my future looks vague and i'd rather let that excite me than worry me. 
right now i'm lucky to have better friends than anyone could ever dream up.
right now i think birthdays are a very funny thing we celebrate. (nineteen years of birthdays and i'm still getting the hang of it).
right now i wish i had more time before tomorrow comes.

i write this here because i want to remember where i was right before my birthday. because i want to see how much has changed in the course of the year so i can tangibly look back and appreciate the growth. 
i kept secret that i enjoyed being the last to turn twenty, that i enjoy being the youngest of my friends.
i held it close as sort of my rite of passage for a lot of things.
i had more time to "catch up" so to speak. more time to get some life experiences under my belt.
i had less expectations placed on me. from myself and from others.
there's a certain freedom that comes with being the youngest. a freedom that i cling to when i'm the last to turn one year older.
and as fun and special it is to celebrate your birthday it often feels like a reminder of what you haven't done in all these years of your life. 

this year i'm going to celebrate all the things i have done and all the things i have been blessed to experience. i'm going to celebrate nineteen years of growing and learning and evolving into the person i'm becoming. i'm going to celebrate the whole nineteen years, the entire picture of what's made me me. i'm going to celebrate and appreciate and love the person i am because one day of the year should be just.for.that.
so here's to twenty. be good to me.

-S

taking back today

one morning i woke up and coffee was no longer for grown ups, but for myself as well.

i want to dive into the enigma of youth. 

to hell with second guessing. and expectations placed on me? forget that too.

i yearn to shock people. to really surprise them.

no hidden agenda except following the tug on my heart to explore for what its worth. 

i am young. life is peculiar. & i will not protect my days. 


so George Bernard Shaw, when you said "youth is wasted on the young" ...i'm setting out to prove you wrong. 


sincerely, 
a youthful B

this is a post about becoming; my becoming

one is not the loneliest number.
one is freeing
one is challenging
one is patient
one is forgiving
one is an adventure to be had

i'm excited to be alone. to live life on my own. to grow up and experience all the world has to offer. alone.
there's something to be said about the fearfully beautiful realization that i have no idea what life a year, 2 years, or 5 years from now will look like.  no idea what i'll be doing, where i'll be doing that something, who i'll be with, or who i'll even be myself. the fact that when i think about the future, all i see is a big question mark--i love that.

i love that even though i am so naturally--in every aspect i can get my hands on--am a control freak...and yet that question mark that hangs over my future, makes my heart dance. i have a whole life still to be dreamt up.
so many people to meet; people who will break my heart, and i theirs. people who will make some dreams come true, and people who will end some dreams. people who will make me feel at home, and people who will love me for the person Christ has created me to be through the life i have gotten to experience, alone.

i get to grow up alone. i get to make mistakes that lie on my own shoulders and mine only. i get to disappoint myself, and learn to not do that again. independence is kind of forgiving and patient in that way, yet challenging. it grows you.

i feel as though these days, at least in the society i surround myself with, everyone is saying "hurry! go find your soul mate now! wow, you're 20 and aren't in a serious relationship? you better get to it then!" or something like that..as if that's the equivalence to success and happiness. like this stage of curiosity, changing, becoming, is just, 'in the meantime'.

sadly the journey is often over-looked for the final destination; rather than appreciated and fervently embraced and admired for the beauty that uncovers itself slowly and magnificently with each new experience.
finding your forever is an incredible thing, but so is finding yourself.

that season of life--the "one day we, not i, will"--will be beautiful.

but this season of life--this season of my becoming--is already beautiful.


-S

"it's all a matter of paying attention, being awake in the present moment, and not expecting a huge payoff. the magic in this world seems to work in whispers and small kindness." -charles de lint