ten things

ten things that made me happy this week:

1. skipping my monday morning class because daylight savings sucked more on day 2

2. trying to contain my stupid little grin c/o the most ridiculous text messages

3. stumbling upon this picture-- reminding me of one of my favorite summers

4. playing the piano--and learning that i love playing the piano

5. knowing i have the friends who would come help me jump my car at midnight

6. laying on blankets in the park with my best friends

7. this sunday mornings lesson with my girls

8. writing for hours--and not noticing it's been hours

9. getting to watch my best friend fall in love for the first time

10. spending time with my awesome family

-S

on writing

“don’t give a shit.

don’t care.

books, until recently, were dangerous: banned, burned, watched.

write something dangerous. 

say something you shouldn’t. 

blow something up. 

but well.”

-shalom auslander

pieces not peace

 *written circa 2011*

--to you--

all the things i’ve thought but will never say

all the things i thought then and now, about you, about me

the truth--my truth

by now, the seasons have changed a few times over

faces you never thought would, faded

like yours

but even so, my eyes haven’t once wept

and then there’s you

you, who knows every.inch.of.me

well now I guess ‘knew’would make more sense

if there is any way to make sense of it at all

you know, i wanted to go there, then

i think

i know i wanted to want to go there, with you

i thought and thought and thought until my mind ached for solutions i wouldn’t ever find

for feelings i wasn’t ever sure about

but i was sure i wanted to be sure--about you--about me--about all of it

and i wasn’t

if that makes sense

if there is any way to make sense of any of this at all

i’m no longer shaky like i used to be

tied up in uncomplacent knots, thinking of what i’ll say the next time i see you

remembering and replaying what i wish i had said the last time i saw you

wondering if there is anything worth saying now at all

it’s harder for me to breathe now though

--so there’s the tradeoff i suppose--

it’s like i’m only allowed short breaths, the tight-chest-but-slow-heartbeat/hot-tears-in-your-eyes kind of breaths

the kind that never quite satisfies you, like you can’t seem to find enough air

and there’s never enough air because i can’t breathe deeply anymore with this hole in my heart.

the hole that used to be where you always were

and even though i’m full aware the heart is pumping blood and not storing emotions like we’ve been fooled to believe--that area where my heart lies in my chest--it aches at the thought of your absence

a space i never knew was there until it was empty

until you were gone

i feel suffocated knowing that i don't have all of myself anymore

that you still have that piece of me with you

even now, when it has been so long

i’m mad at you for that

i’m mad at me for that

is it ever hard for you to breathe?

was it ever hard for you at all?

did i have a piece of you too?

these questions i've wondered, and fear i always will

and still every time i walk away from you, it's as if i stayed

as if i had never left

there’s a piece of me where it shouldn't be

just pieces -- and no peace


sincerely,

S

nameless ache

"that's the thing about pain... it demands to be felt."
John Green

-cue eye roll- 

swift flashbacks to days of weepy eyes and a hazy heart.
lost--the only word which comes to mind to define said period in time.
often i think my optimism gets the best of me. 
quickly convincing myself this time it will be different.
this time i won't allow it to affect me. 
unsurprisingly like clockwork, it hurts. 
i feel hurt about how i ended up here. 
wishing i did not have to think about the choices i create.
how life dealt me these cards. rather, i dealt myself this deck. 
hurt about why i feel this insane pressure to present a polished self, "come back when you are flawless"
wait, don't all these people know more than the lost that He has called us to come to Him broken.
no. it must be my flawed perception and deficiency.
broken.
maybe that's a name for this feel. 
the kind that lingers and regrets to inform you of it's whereabouts.
that kind of knot in your stomach almost as twisted as the lies whispering "unworthy."
then the time comes to pick up the pieces, the taste all too familiar.
and regrettably new.
i'm slowly beginning to understand, "pain...demands to be felt." 
everyone, always running after happiness; as if it were this state you would reach and stay. 
sometimes i can't take it.
i want to thrive for wholeness. 
there is no way to avoid pain, and that is OK. 
it is betterment for us as human beings.


sincerely,

B

fragrance of yesterday

an instant in time is merely that. an instant--forever evaporated-preserved only by sweet, whispering reminders etched in my memories. 
like sand slipping through my fingers, gone before i could adapt.
bittersweet
a moment disappeared, suddenly prevails a sweet hello.
a photograph. a smell. a venue. a word. a video. a song. a reflection.  
bittersweet
its rare visit generating chills up my spine.
my mind ecapes to a place so distinct it stings. 
stings of loss. 
the loss of a feeling once so strong it flaunts its bygone freedom.
flaunts joy by way of chasing butterflies,  doe-eyed reflections in airplane windows,  exchanged glances in quarters long forgotten about. 
bittersweet
seeping through the joy between my teeth. 
seeps it's utter ability to make me beg to forfeit moments to come for a sweet taste of its glory. 
forfeit the change and growth for a chance to re-live, to take one more dance in those shoes. 
a chance to be without fear. 
to be swept up by whimsical choices made with no thoughts of tomorrow.
to regain that moment we thought would remain infinite.
glances at expected uncomfortability,  yet together we were home. 
bittersweet
now i am glancing at vacant smiles, misty eyes and untold tales. 
untold tales of who we became, together. 
tales of who we were swirl through the air of that brief hello as visions are blurred.
quickly sinks in the certainty that this is in fact, just a visit.

sincerely, 

B

one of those nights

tonight was one of those nights

the kind of night where sleep sounds impossible

the kind of night where your mind is so pre-occupied, you don't even hear someone calling for you

the kind of night where you can feel your heart and stomach knot, leaving a mess you'll have to untangle sooner or later

the kind of night where your hand echoes hours later--still, small pulses--like it didn't want to forget the feeling of holding his--and if you just close your eyes, it's almost as if he never let go

the kind of night where you know better than to think anything of the things he says and does but you just.can't.help.it.

the kind of night where you know better than to let yourself go there but you just.can't.help.it.

the kind of night where you wish you would have let yourself feel those feelings before, so they wouldn't have come back when you least expected them to

the kind of night where he won't leave you alone--and you don't want him to--but when he does, you feel yourself become another memory

the kind of night where you just drive, anywhere. just so you can feel in control of something. and you don't even realize there was no music on the whole time.

the kind of night where your chest gets tight and the only thing that can repair your bruised heart is a hug...the hug-me-so-tight-that-i-can't-breathe-anymore kind of hug

the kind of night where the balance between naivety and realism is exhausting

the kind of night where you wish you were enough

enough for him, enough for yourself

you know those kind of nights?
tonight was one of those nights


-S

risk

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive?  Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.  It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.  And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk everything." -Erica Jong

those last words really haunt me. if you don't risk anything, you risk everything.

i want to serve those words. i want to be a slave to them.

those words are going to echo in the corners of my mind, driving me towards action.


-S