"i made a promise such a long time ago that i would take in experiences-- all of them, 

so i could tell the people about them and maybe save them, but it gets so tiring.

i try to take in all the experiences for everybody, letting anyone say anything to me. 

and i realized i'm not different. i want what everyone wants. i want all the things.

i just want to be happy."

-girls, hbo

where i find you

i don’t recognize myself

tinted green of jealousy and physical ailment from my selfishness and inability to simply be happy for others
self-loathing so strong my body aches in rejection

i’m often struggling to feel happy at all

where i lack happiness, i lack in compassion and a listening ear

my saving grace has been reliance on the one who has grace enough to save a wreck like me

and a wreck like me really needs saving quite often these days

and out of His grace I find myself no longer wondering, “why is this happening?” instead i ask Him, “what are you trying to teach me with this? what can i learn here?”

i find myself on my knees all of the time. praying for a sign, for an answer, for something

calling out to God for something i can understand

for something that makes sense

for something i can reason with

but reason to me is not reason to Him

this holiday season was of particular difficulty.

overrun by things of least importance, the hustle and bustle and neglect of what really matters, i find myself wishing i could turn back time and do it all over again.

recreate the memories now engrained in time

make new the things i know i can’t change as much i wish i could

but again, i ask “what are you trying to teach me, God?”

i will wait in silence. with any shred of obedience and patience i can find within myself, and where i fail, i will lean on His unending grace with steadfast hope.

for a foolish sinner that is me, i have a God who perfects unconditional love.

-S 

yet another year's resolve

smile more
talk with strangers, learn about other's stories
live simpler
read the bible more
spend more time outdoors
make better and more intentional eye contact with others
read more books
wear lipstick
relish in the happy
journal
take more pictures
travel & explore
write music
craft more, give others gifts made from my hands
wear high heels
love unconditionally, sincerely, and intentionally
experiment with new hair colors
write more
be daring and bold, with my words and actions
laugh a lot
be a better friend, sister, daughter
remain thirsty for adventure, fueled by courage

-S

one-way tickets & the weight of it all

a small group of my friends and i gathered for dinner one last night all together before one of us left for good. he was quiet, kind, observant, and talented. we sort of adopted him into the group recently and before we knew it, it was time for him to leave. jake is a really talented songwriter and musician and after a few years of living in los angeles trying to make a name for himself, he decided to move to nashville. nashville is a beautiful city, and its the perfect place for a folk musician of his kind. so in honor of his last few days as a californian, a few friends gathered in downtown los angeles last week to celebrate jake and his new future.

yesterday jake cashed in his one way ticket for a new life in nashville, tennessee. and i've always admired him for his bravery, his hard work. he's worked so hard for the life he has always dreamt of, and i've never for a second doubted it'll happen for him. when i see someone go for a dream like he is, i always have this faith that it will happen for them. because if you try your best, put your best foot forward, and work damn hard, well something good always comes from that, right?

that night i stood on the roof of a friends friends apartment, watching the skyline of downtown los angeles while the subtle chill of the wind froze the tip of my nose.  i squinted at the skyline, letting the lights blur in my teary eyes. i filled my lungs with a breath of cold air, closed my eyes and thought, "you can be anywhere you want to right now," and pretended i was somewhere else. "somewhere with a city skyline like this one," i thought... seattle, nyc, maybe even nashville. somewhere big so i could feel small again. so i could dream again. and really, i could be anywhere i want to be right now. and it was then that i got this sense that life is all about the one-way tickets.  the act of rising to the occassion. of deciding, this is it. going for the thing you're convinced will make you so very happy. 

i tried to imagine what it would mean for me to buy a one way ticket and how i had never done that before. i had never left a place with no intention of returning. the idea frightens me and excites me. i wondered if jake had ever worried like this too. if he's doubted himself, if he's been afraid of the magnitude of his dreams. i once heard someone somewhere say, "if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." and i think its true and awful too. it's the people who don't get lost in the fear of a distant dream. the people who feel the weight of it all and take steps, the leaps in the direction of their dreams. 
and the scary part is that i don't know if i'm one of those people. the kind that buys the one-way ticket and say to hell with it, it's time to leap.

...but damn if i don't wish i were.


-S

ambivalent happiness

some days choosing to be happy is exactly that: a choice.
it's a choice you have to make over and over again. every hour. every minute. every thought.
sometimes the choice becomes natural in the matter of a few hours-- a day tops.
and sometimes it takes a week. or two-- if you happen to be stuck in one of those times where the dirt you dig out never seems to clear.

some days you know it's a choice you're not going to make. instead you end up listening to nirvana really loud in your car. and that's okay. i think everyone's entitled to those days.

i could choose the latter. it would be easier. 
but i'm afraid the dirt will become quicksand.

-S

today was the happiest i've been in a good long while.

-S

as of late

my posts on this little blog have been far and few between as of late. i have been rather busy, between the end of the semester, work, traveling --okay, okay...maybe it is an issue of making time, as inclined as i am to admit. 

in light of that, here are a few photographs of life lately. seen through my quaint iphone lens, of course.

1. S and i enjoying Umami on my birthday. 

2. a favorite coffee shop in Seattle.

3. friends at stumptown coffee roasters.

4. a bbq on a lovely spring evening with family, ladies and...boys.

4. string lights and games

5. my favorite gals //  favorite city

6. gypsy lunch after a busy week

Sincerely, 

B

the feeling of beauty

the last time we were all together, i asked my best friends a simple question: when do you feel most beautiful?

i didn't mean, when do you think you look most beautiful?
because looks had nothing to do with it.
i rarely think it does, really.

i asked them this question and i had to better explain what i meant.  i mean it's not something you really ever think about--i think because the feeling is so fleeting.

B answered, "when i'm exploring, or doing something outdoors.. when i'm active and i use my body for all it's worth."
i loved that-- when i use my body for all its worth.. it's crazy that we have these complicated bodies that are capable of such incredible things. when i think of all the things i can do, the obvious things--jump, walk, smile.. those things are huge. those things are a blessing we are given. they are nothing short of a gift.  using your body to do those things we've been blessed with.  yourself at your most natural sense of being--that is beauty.

R said, "when i share eye contact with someone-- it's a connection with another person on different level, it just means more."
her feeling was so spot on.  looking at someone in the eyes, that connection is so different than any other.  it's like a tangible understanding of one another, both your presence known, a window to your thoughts opened. eyes are so telling and hold so much knowledge--that is beauty.

when i had my own question turned on me i said, 
"1. when i'm telling a story and can make people laugh
 2. when someone looks at me and we both smile...like a big, stupid, can't-keep-my-face-from-taking-over-my-whole-face kind of smile.
3. right after i've cried."

i’ve been trying to notice and recognize the feeling of the difference between the moments of when i feel pretty and when i feel beautiful.  and it’s so blatantly obvious once you start to tell them apart. and any explanation i try to come up with, never quite makes perfect sense. it’s only in the moment when i can feel the difference, is when it makes perfect sense to me.

there’s this commonality in what i thought of as my moments of feeling most beautiful, and it seems like it comes hand in hand with when i’m most vulnerable. which is also the emotional state of being i’m most afraid of.  when i’m susceptible to embarrassment, when i’ve let someone in just enough for them to get a better grasp on the mystery i like to keep myself, when something has made me cry and feel weak. 

all these things are what make me feel most beautiful, but also what i try my best to avoid.
i avoid them for fear of letting people in, letting people really know me. because when they really get to know me, then they will make the choice whether or not i'm enough. enough to keep them around, enough to entertain everyone.
sometimes i feel like that's all i'm good for. like people only want me around if i'm going to be making jokes and being the same way all.the.time.
and for some reason i just don't feel like enough. even when i know not to believe that devil inside my head.

the more i think about it, the more i realize how much my own thoughts of myself are what can ruin a person like me.
all i have to do is turn them off--all the things i dislike and wish i could change.
because those things, are exactly what makes me feel most beautiful, most like myself, most happy.

that is  b e a u t y

-S