jeremiah 29:11

i’m reminded sometimes, whether it's as subtle as a little nudge on the shoulder; or as obvious as a slap in the face, i’m reminded that God has a plan. and sometimes it takes these little reminders that are felt and experienced so clearly, because over time saying, “it’ll work out, God has a plan,” becomes so monotonous. because He does have a plan. we know that. as followers we know that, as students of His word, we know that. so sometimes the phrase, “don’t worry God has a plan” are just words used as a comfort without the conviction. as refuge or a quick fix. as a way to silence and calm someone down. and when we so often use it this way, the significance becomes lost on us.

but do we really believe the things we are saying to be true? do we really believe He has a plan? do we honestly know, deep down in our core being, that God has it all under control? that He knows what He’s doing? when we say, “God has a plan,” are we just saying the words, subconsciously thinking, “well i’ve got one too, just in case His plan doesn’t work out… just in case i don’t really like His plan.”

i’m guilty of this. i admit that i am totally and completely guilty of this. and while i may be one of few that will admit my guilt, i know i am not the only one.  i think everyone struggles with letting go of control over our lives. as people, it’s in our innate nature to be protective over ourselves and over our dreams, aspirations, and even daily lives. we want to rule ourselves. we appoint ourselves our own God. it happens by nature, not because we truly desire to live this way.

i desire to have a life that serves and glorifies Jesus, a life that surrenders all earthly desires in order to give Him full control. but it’s not easy. i desire that life, but the struggle of implementation is what makes me human. and it’s designed that way. if it were easy, we wouldn’t need to rely on Him in times of doubt and strife.

i’ve been abnormally lucky lately. and i use the term lucky loosely and in the sense that i’ve been blessed in terms of the experiences i’ve had as of late. not that i’m not continuously blessed, because i totally am, but i think I’ve just become much more aware of the things i feel He’s been trying to reveal to me.

yesterday at work my dad texted me asking if i could do him a favor.  i read his text and my mind automatically began to think of an excuse i could use.  hesitantly i asked him what it was he needed me to do, and he told me he needed me to pick up my aunt after work, about 15 minutes in the opposite direction of home, in the middle of traffic. all i wanted to do was go home as soon as possible after an 8 hour day. it took me a couple of hours to respond and although he said it wasn’t a problem if i didn’t pick her up, i just felt like i should, as much as i really didn’t want to.so in the heart of traffic, i made my way over to get her.

now my aunt doesn’t speak much english, and having lived in a different country than her, i really don’t know her well. that being said, i was anticipating a long and uncomfortably quiet ride home.

it wasn’t so bad at first. she knew more english than i had given her credit, enough to make nice small talk. about half way home she remembered that i had been gone for the last two weeks in Ukraine. she asked me how my trip was, what we did there, how was the food, the weather, etc. i explained to her in very little detail, since much went over her head. in response to her question regarding our teams purpose for the trip i replied saying, “we taught english to students at camp. that’s why we went.” after i said that, in the back of my mind i heard, “that’s not why you went! why don’t you tell her the truth? this is your perfect opportunity to share the TRUTH.”  

after a minute of silence i said, “well we did go there to teach english, but we were really there to teach them about Jesus and about the bible. we had camp for the students to learn about Jesus. that’s why we went.” and with that statement i found the courage to carry on with the opportunity to share the gospel.

  

she was a curious one. we discussed and compared religions, and about how only one can be the truth. she asked me about how i came to choose christianity in a family that doesn’t practice religion at all. she talked to me about how she has been searching for a long time for a religion that seemed right and that she’s curious about christianity. and it all just flowed. i felt like i was completely directed with the right words to say. i think i was smiling during the entire conversation because i couldn’t help but be in awe that i was talking to my aunt about Jesus. and not to mention, my aunt and my dad come from a strict muslim family. for so long i have been discouraged by the fact that i had no idea how to share the good news with my dads’ side of the family, and here i was offering to get my aunt a bible.

she’s coming to church on sunday too. and im so excited.

i also just found out that her sister has been going to a church for a while now and wants to become a Christian. and i don’t even know how to handle that news. i get tears in my eyes thinking about it.

God answers prayers.

and i say that with absolute conviction and celebration.. because if there was a prayer i truly never believed would be answered, it was this one.

God answers prayers.

and it’s all in His timing. in His plan.

i’m older now. more mature, more firm in my faith and foundation. more equipped and prepared. ready and eager to share the truth of who He is. when you open your eyes and hearts to what God has laid out for you, He’ll offer a glimpse into that plan. an inside look, a quick peek into what He’s brewing.

His plan is good and perfect, and it's all for us. 

"'for I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" -jeremiah 29:11

-S

the feeling of beauty

the last time we were all together, i asked my best friends a simple question: when do you feel most beautiful?

i didn't mean, when do you think you look most beautiful?
because looks had nothing to do with it.
i rarely think it does, really.

i asked them this question and i had to better explain what i meant.  i mean it's not something you really ever think about--i think because the feeling is so fleeting.

B answered, "when i'm exploring, or doing something outdoors.. when i'm active and i use my body for all it's worth."
i loved that-- when i use my body for all its worth.. it's crazy that we have these complicated bodies that are capable of such incredible things. when i think of all the things i can do, the obvious things--jump, walk, smile.. those things are huge. those things are a blessing we are given. they are nothing short of a gift.  using your body to do those things we've been blessed with.  yourself at your most natural sense of being--that is beauty.

R said, "when i share eye contact with someone-- it's a connection with another person on different level, it just means more."
her feeling was so spot on.  looking at someone in the eyes, that connection is so different than any other.  it's like a tangible understanding of one another, both your presence known, a window to your thoughts opened. eyes are so telling and hold so much knowledge--that is beauty.

when i had my own question turned on me i said, 
"1. when i'm telling a story and can make people laugh
 2. when someone looks at me and we both smile...like a big, stupid, can't-keep-my-face-from-taking-over-my-whole-face kind of smile.
3. right after i've cried."

i’ve been trying to notice and recognize the feeling of the difference between the moments of when i feel pretty and when i feel beautiful.  and it’s so blatantly obvious once you start to tell them apart. and any explanation i try to come up with, never quite makes perfect sense. it’s only in the moment when i can feel the difference, is when it makes perfect sense to me.

there’s this commonality in what i thought of as my moments of feeling most beautiful, and it seems like it comes hand in hand with when i’m most vulnerable. which is also the emotional state of being i’m most afraid of.  when i’m susceptible to embarrassment, when i’ve let someone in just enough for them to get a better grasp on the mystery i like to keep myself, when something has made me cry and feel weak. 

all these things are what make me feel most beautiful, but also what i try my best to avoid.
i avoid them for fear of letting people in, letting people really know me. because when they really get to know me, then they will make the choice whether or not i'm enough. enough to keep them around, enough to entertain everyone.
sometimes i feel like that's all i'm good for. like people only want me around if i'm going to be making jokes and being the same way all.the.time.
and for some reason i just don't feel like enough. even when i know not to believe that devil inside my head.

the more i think about it, the more i realize how much my own thoughts of myself are what can ruin a person like me.
all i have to do is turn them off--all the things i dislike and wish i could change.
because those things, are exactly what makes me feel most beautiful, most like myself, most happy.

that is  b e a u t y

-S