the feeling of beauty

the last time we were all together, i asked my best friends a simple question: when do you feel most beautiful?

i didn't mean, when do you think you look most beautiful?
because looks had nothing to do with it.
i rarely think it does, really.

i asked them this question and i had to better explain what i meant.  i mean it's not something you really ever think about--i think because the feeling is so fleeting.

B answered, "when i'm exploring, or doing something outdoors.. when i'm active and i use my body for all it's worth."
i loved that-- when i use my body for all its worth.. it's crazy that we have these complicated bodies that are capable of such incredible things. when i think of all the things i can do, the obvious things--jump, walk, smile.. those things are huge. those things are a blessing we are given. they are nothing short of a gift.  using your body to do those things we've been blessed with.  yourself at your most natural sense of being--that is beauty.

R said, "when i share eye contact with someone-- it's a connection with another person on different level, it just means more."
her feeling was so spot on.  looking at someone in the eyes, that connection is so different than any other.  it's like a tangible understanding of one another, both your presence known, a window to your thoughts opened. eyes are so telling and hold so much knowledge--that is beauty.

when i had my own question turned on me i said, 
"1. when i'm telling a story and can make people laugh
 2. when someone looks at me and we both smile...like a big, stupid, can't-keep-my-face-from-taking-over-my-whole-face kind of smile.
3. right after i've cried."

i’ve been trying to notice and recognize the feeling of the difference between the moments of when i feel pretty and when i feel beautiful.  and it’s so blatantly obvious once you start to tell them apart. and any explanation i try to come up with, never quite makes perfect sense. it’s only in the moment when i can feel the difference, is when it makes perfect sense to me.

there’s this commonality in what i thought of as my moments of feeling most beautiful, and it seems like it comes hand in hand with when i’m most vulnerable. which is also the emotional state of being i’m most afraid of.  when i’m susceptible to embarrassment, when i’ve let someone in just enough for them to get a better grasp on the mystery i like to keep myself, when something has made me cry and feel weak. 

all these things are what make me feel most beautiful, but also what i try my best to avoid.
i avoid them for fear of letting people in, letting people really know me. because when they really get to know me, then they will make the choice whether or not i'm enough. enough to keep them around, enough to entertain everyone.
sometimes i feel like that's all i'm good for. like people only want me around if i'm going to be making jokes and being the same way all.the.time.
and for some reason i just don't feel like enough. even when i know not to believe that devil inside my head.

the more i think about it, the more i realize how much my own thoughts of myself are what can ruin a person like me.
all i have to do is turn them off--all the things i dislike and wish i could change.
because those things, are exactly what makes me feel most beautiful, most like myself, most happy.

that is  b e a u t y

-S

a weekend in the city

here are a few photos i took on my iPhone from my much-too-brief weekend in NYC.

goodness, that place is magical.

1. flying at sunset

2. twilight in times square

3. buvette--the sweetest parisian cafe

(recommended by the lovely megfee)

4. a killer latte & current read

5. obsessed with the gorgeous sunlight on this street

6. hillsong nyc--what an incredible service

7. record store day in west village

8. central park never looked so beautiful

9. nothing is worse than driving away from that view

10. boarding for the long flight

11. waiting at the gate

i don't know quite how, but a city like NYC just does something to you.  i think that's why i love it so much; because you can't exactly put your finger on why it's as incredible as it is--unexplained mystery i suppose.

i do know that being somewhere so grand just puts things into perspective. it shows us how much we sweat and make big the little things in our lives; but also how much potential we have, and how many possibilities are out there for us to take a risk on.

i talk about being alone and how i desire more time to live on my own, but up until this weekend, i'm not really sure i ever understood what that meant. being alone refines you, strengthens you, both mentally and emotionally.

even if just for a few hours.  it's nice not having to talk--i feel like everyone is talking to fill the silence, talking about things that serve no purpose in our growth as people and our relationships, talking about things that won't change--it gets tiring.

this weekend i spent hours and hours of time without talking to a single person. but without words, i still had this involuntary dialogue that happens within your own mind where your thoughts are free flowing, creativity sparking, your opinions solidifying. i need to spend more time just listening, to myself, to God, to things and people around me.

just be silent. see what happens. see what you can hear.
see what your mind has been trying to tell you.

-S

the now and here

-a latte

-a charming book i was sad to finish

-overcast & drizzly weather; april trying keep her promise of showers

-a few hours with B

-"shell suite" on repeat

there is much joy in simplicity

-S