where i find you

i don’t recognize myself

tinted green of jealousy and physical ailment from my selfishness and inability to simply be happy for others
self-loathing so strong my body aches in rejection

i’m often struggling to feel happy at all

where i lack happiness, i lack in compassion and a listening ear

my saving grace has been reliance on the one who has grace enough to save a wreck like me

and a wreck like me really needs saving quite often these days

and out of His grace I find myself no longer wondering, “why is this happening?” instead i ask Him, “what are you trying to teach me with this? what can i learn here?”

i find myself on my knees all of the time. praying for a sign, for an answer, for something

calling out to God for something i can understand

for something that makes sense

for something i can reason with

but reason to me is not reason to Him

this holiday season was of particular difficulty.

overrun by things of least importance, the hustle and bustle and neglect of what really matters, i find myself wishing i could turn back time and do it all over again.

recreate the memories now engrained in time

make new the things i know i can’t change as much i wish i could

but again, i ask “what are you trying to teach me, God?”

i will wait in silence. with any shred of obedience and patience i can find within myself, and where i fail, i will lean on His unending grace with steadfast hope.

for a foolish sinner that is me, i have a God who perfects unconditional love.

-S 

the now and here

-a latte

-a charming book i was sad to finish

-overcast & drizzly weather; april trying keep her promise of showers

-a few hours with B

-"shell suite" on repeat

there is much joy in simplicity

-S

runway not runaway

sometimes, i love something or someone so greatly it aches. the good kind of ache, of course. the kind that leaves darkness high and dry. only revealed by soft shrieks through clenched smiles. giving fear what it deserves-abandonment. it rolls away your stones, shedding light on bits and pieces.  it's pressence stirring a fondness for the little things. an adoration reminding you just how intriguing life is, and not the lackluster we've made it out to be. with it's visit (or mine, rather) comes clarity and a reminder just how precious life is. i embrace the joy this brings. 

fact you may or may not know about me: i love the airport with every bone in my body. everything about it moves and excites me.

sincerely,
B