ambivalent happiness

some days choosing to be happy is exactly that: a choice.
it's a choice you have to make over and over again. every hour. every minute. every thought.
sometimes the choice becomes natural in the matter of a few hours-- a day tops.
and sometimes it takes a week. or two-- if you happen to be stuck in one of those times where the dirt you dig out never seems to clear.

some days you know it's a choice you're not going to make. instead you end up listening to nirvana really loud in your car. and that's okay. i think everyone's entitled to those days.

i could choose the latter. it would be easier. 
but i'm afraid the dirt will become quicksand.

-S

jeremiah 29:11

i’m reminded sometimes, whether it's as subtle as a little nudge on the shoulder; or as obvious as a slap in the face, i’m reminded that God has a plan. and sometimes it takes these little reminders that are felt and experienced so clearly, because over time saying, “it’ll work out, God has a plan,” becomes so monotonous. because He does have a plan. we know that. as followers we know that, as students of His word, we know that. so sometimes the phrase, “don’t worry God has a plan” are just words used as a comfort without the conviction. as refuge or a quick fix. as a way to silence and calm someone down. and when we so often use it this way, the significance becomes lost on us.

but do we really believe the things we are saying to be true? do we really believe He has a plan? do we honestly know, deep down in our core being, that God has it all under control? that He knows what He’s doing? when we say, “God has a plan,” are we just saying the words, subconsciously thinking, “well i’ve got one too, just in case His plan doesn’t work out… just in case i don’t really like His plan.”

i’m guilty of this. i admit that i am totally and completely guilty of this. and while i may be one of few that will admit my guilt, i know i am not the only one.  i think everyone struggles with letting go of control over our lives. as people, it’s in our innate nature to be protective over ourselves and over our dreams, aspirations, and even daily lives. we want to rule ourselves. we appoint ourselves our own God. it happens by nature, not because we truly desire to live this way.

i desire to have a life that serves and glorifies Jesus, a life that surrenders all earthly desires in order to give Him full control. but it’s not easy. i desire that life, but the struggle of implementation is what makes me human. and it’s designed that way. if it were easy, we wouldn’t need to rely on Him in times of doubt and strife.

i’ve been abnormally lucky lately. and i use the term lucky loosely and in the sense that i’ve been blessed in terms of the experiences i’ve had as of late. not that i’m not continuously blessed, because i totally am, but i think I’ve just become much more aware of the things i feel He’s been trying to reveal to me.

yesterday at work my dad texted me asking if i could do him a favor.  i read his text and my mind automatically began to think of an excuse i could use.  hesitantly i asked him what it was he needed me to do, and he told me he needed me to pick up my aunt after work, about 15 minutes in the opposite direction of home, in the middle of traffic. all i wanted to do was go home as soon as possible after an 8 hour day. it took me a couple of hours to respond and although he said it wasn’t a problem if i didn’t pick her up, i just felt like i should, as much as i really didn’t want to.so in the heart of traffic, i made my way over to get her.

now my aunt doesn’t speak much english, and having lived in a different country than her, i really don’t know her well. that being said, i was anticipating a long and uncomfortably quiet ride home.

it wasn’t so bad at first. she knew more english than i had given her credit, enough to make nice small talk. about half way home she remembered that i had been gone for the last two weeks in Ukraine. she asked me how my trip was, what we did there, how was the food, the weather, etc. i explained to her in very little detail, since much went over her head. in response to her question regarding our teams purpose for the trip i replied saying, “we taught english to students at camp. that’s why we went.” after i said that, in the back of my mind i heard, “that’s not why you went! why don’t you tell her the truth? this is your perfect opportunity to share the TRUTH.”  

after a minute of silence i said, “well we did go there to teach english, but we were really there to teach them about Jesus and about the bible. we had camp for the students to learn about Jesus. that’s why we went.” and with that statement i found the courage to carry on with the opportunity to share the gospel.

  

she was a curious one. we discussed and compared religions, and about how only one can be the truth. she asked me about how i came to choose christianity in a family that doesn’t practice religion at all. she talked to me about how she has been searching for a long time for a religion that seemed right and that she’s curious about christianity. and it all just flowed. i felt like i was completely directed with the right words to say. i think i was smiling during the entire conversation because i couldn’t help but be in awe that i was talking to my aunt about Jesus. and not to mention, my aunt and my dad come from a strict muslim family. for so long i have been discouraged by the fact that i had no idea how to share the good news with my dads’ side of the family, and here i was offering to get my aunt a bible.

she’s coming to church on sunday too. and im so excited.

i also just found out that her sister has been going to a church for a while now and wants to become a Christian. and i don’t even know how to handle that news. i get tears in my eyes thinking about it.

God answers prayers.

and i say that with absolute conviction and celebration.. because if there was a prayer i truly never believed would be answered, it was this one.

God answers prayers.

and it’s all in His timing. in His plan.

i’m older now. more mature, more firm in my faith and foundation. more equipped and prepared. ready and eager to share the truth of who He is. when you open your eyes and hearts to what God has laid out for you, He’ll offer a glimpse into that plan. an inside look, a quick peek into what He’s brewing.

His plan is good and perfect, and it's all for us. 

"'for I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" -jeremiah 29:11

-S

to kolomyya

i've missed kolomyya since the second we left.
the first step onto the train.
the moment we took our eyes off the people we came to love so quickly.
i haven't been able to stop missing it all.

everywhere i look i think i've seen the face of someone i probably won't ever see again.
every familiar voice i hear belongs to someone i once knew, when really it's just the person around the corner.
but it's not them. as much i want to believe it is, as much as i would give anything for it to be, it's not.
they're there and i'm here. all the way across the world.

it's just the way it has to be.

somehow, it only took a week.
one short week and i could call these people family, i could call this place home.
bound by nothing but the Holy Spirit and the power, hope, and promise of the cross, connecting people to each other supernaturally and irrevocably.
but this isn't how we work. to become so close to people only to have to say goodbye forever--it's not what we're made for. 

not what our psyche as humans are capable to handle.
it's too unnatural. too hard. 

but it happened and we must go on with the mission we've been created for.

still, kolomyya will reside as a soft ache in my heart.
not an ache for something broken, but rather for something that is so whole and holy it can only be explained as good.

good in the context of how the dictionary defines the word. not the i-just-have-poor-vocabulary use of it. our modern language has really dimmed the richness of this word.

good (n). - that which is morally right. righteous.

i can't find a better way to describe this ache. it hurts so good. because boy, it was so good. it was all so good.

it's an ache that serves as a reminder that love is powerful. that love and prayer should overflow in and out of us. it should consume us.

and of course, there's the tinge of inevitable sadness. 

sadness that i won't get to hug them anymore. that i won't get to hold hands in prayer again.
but just as i ache with that pain, i gladly accept it. because with the pain comes this ache of goodness, as proof of the righteousness we've been incredibly blessed to have experienced.

i wouldn't trade that up for anything.

and finally, it's an ache that's sole purpose is to remind me that it all meant something. that everything, every second was worth it.

that God moves mountains.

that God changes hearts.

that He is the sovereign, almighty God. 

and that is the God i live to serve. 
-S

under the same sun

lessons i've learned under the summer sun:
(in no particular order)

---> i can have messy, day-after-the-beach- hair, minimal-to-no makeup on if i want to. and strangely i've never felt prettier than that simplicity.

---> treat sleep as a suggestion rather than necessity some nights. stay up to see the sunrise. have an adventure while everyone is asleep. a lot of life can and should happen in those dark and beautiful hours.

---> i often find myself reverting back to really wanting him. and in that pursuit i continue to lose myself and what i want. over and over.

---> the art of discernment is a lost art. one i'd like to bring back, one i'd like to practice fiercely.

---> sometimes, every great once in a while, the attraction is so strong it can become the bane of your existence. the not-quite-but-almost existential dilemma you've come to over and again; that lust is just that, a child's game. that wanting and having mean two very different things.

---> swimming in the ocean under the moonlight is far better than any alternative.

---> watching fireworks from the roof of your house with your best friends is the best way to do independence day.

---> one day i'll be strong enough to walk away and not leave a single piece of me with him. and that it's OK if i'm just not there yet. 

---> listening to the thoughts and minds of generations before you should be a required practice.

---> to stop saying, "i hope he likes me" and start saying, "i hope i like him."

---> don't be ashamed of where you're at. you'd be surprised to know that most everyone is right there too.

---> one day i'll be enough for myself and from there, everything will follow suit.

-S

let's be frank...

i am made up of the encouraging words of my mum.

of the playful game of hide and seek until dusk.

of the whispers muttered in the dark, withheld from authority

of the decisions crippled by fear.

of the security of constant best friends.

of the reading into moments, when that crush was had on you.

of the division in the family; the only one to carry this perspective.

of the rich smells from nostalgic summers past.

of the uplifting utterance made by the steadfast.

of the "quiet" mockery about the goody-good, in classroom corridors.

of the books and words i have held on to.

i am made up of many parts, weaved together. yet, the struggle lies within remembering. remembering that i am the sum of the parts beautifully weaved together. a myriad of cultivated moments. quirks from this or that. 

while pondering the reality of what consumes my mind most, the unspoken came to my attention. without acknowledgment, i have devoured the lie that i am insufficient. the lie whispering, if i worked dilligently enough, i could become (like) the people who i see are greatly valued. as i swallow my pride to reveal this in the light, truth is i put so much pressure on the way i look or how i am. i have created this idea in my mind that who i am is not enough. the not-so-pretty reality and result is in that little friend we love to hate: mr comparison. they say that comparison is the thief of joy. and boy-oh-boy, i could vouch for that. 

this flawed filter i choose to view myself in, i fear is detrimental to how i love others. and i desire diddly-squat to stop me from loving with everything in me, therefore i must love myself. this is my prayer and my cry to you Lord. save me from self deception & lend me your eyes. 

i am made up of confused paradoxes. and that, that i will cherish.

sincerely, 

B

"Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted."

Syliva Plath 

sweet summertime

1. presentations--dancing the night away.
2. post-show patio hangs. we have the best of laughs.
3. new saltwaters make me happy.
4. solo roadtrip that i loved every second of.
5. rogues @ the constellation room--my first real gig (and of course i wore kitten ears, duh).
6. hume in the morning.
7. sisters at graduation (im crazy short, i know).

summer has been good to me thus far

-S